April Beyer: Wisdom From a Famous Matchmaker (and why she hates that term!)
April is a pioneer in the matchmaking industry and has been one of the most sought after experts for more than 20 years with an 89% success rate, April’s been responsible for countless relationships and happy marriages. April has been called the best of the best by Dr. Phil. And it has appeared on 2020 ABC News, Good morning, America MSNBC, the Hallmark Channel, and was also the host for VH1’s “Making Mr. Right”. April has revolutionized the matchmaking industry with her new company level connections.
April discusses what matchmaking is and isn’t, why she hates the term matchmaker, why she isn’t in the business of just getting people married and what she’s learned about love in her years of experience facilitating amazing connections.
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April Beyer: Wisdom From a Famous Matchmaker (and why she hates that term!)
Dr. Tari: Hi, and welcome to Dear Dater, the PodCast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. I am so excited today to welcome our guest April Beyer.
April is a pioneer in the matchmaking industry and has been one of the most sought-after experts for more than 20 years; with an 89% success rate, April’s been responsible for countless relationships and happy marriages. April has been called the best of the best by Dr. Phil, and it has appeared on 2020 ABC News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Hallmark Channel, and was also the host for VH1 Making Mr. Right. April has revolutionized the matchmaking industry with her new company-level connections. Welcome, April.
April Beyer: Hi, thank you so much, Tari.
Dr. Tari: So happy to have you here.
April Beyer: I’m thrilled. I’m thrilled. Thank you.
Dr. Tari: So tell me more about level connections and how you’ve revolutionized the matchmaking industry.
April Beyer: Yes. Well, I started out over two decades ago in the personal matchmaking industry. And, you know, like with anything, you start to evolve, right? So my concept was how can I evolve the industry and also solve some of the problems I was seeing with my clients who were using dating tech, and matchmaking is known to be something that is very exclusive, but it can also be very exclusionary; simply because of the high cost of it.
Right? There’s a hefty price tag associated with personal matchmaking. If you want, somebody’s going to work for you. And what we were finding was. There were too many people out there using dating tech when they couldn’t use a personal matchmaker. So my thought process was how do I take my brain? And build it into the technology to really help us, not just scale, but to be more effective and to create a standardized way of matching couples that is based on how I would, if I were personally in the room, how would I match those couples? What are those ingredients that go into the matching process that, even without me being in the room, that it could actually happen? So the goal was to bridge the gap between dating apps and personal matchmaking, which is exactly what we’ve done.
Dr. Tari: That’s so cool. You mentioned you started out in personal matchmaking. So can you start there? What is a personal matchmaker? What is that like? And why have you chosen to evolve past it?
April Beyer: I started out working with a personal matchmaking agency at the time, and I helped them run their LA office, and they were beautiful days back then, you know, those were the pay. I don’t want to date myself, but those were the paper file days where we would sit on the floor and say, Oh, Jack would be good with Stephanie.
So when your personal matchmaking, you are really. The advisor and the best friend and the matchmaker and the confidant to your clients, and you are getting to know them on a personal level and matching them and dealing with, you know, pre-date jitters and post feedback, and you’re helping them.
Personally evolve as they go. And so, that was a part of my world for the longest time. It still is. I still do personal matchmaking for men. But the evolution of the company was really just because I’m constantly in that problem-solving mode, and I wanted to be more than just a personal matchmaker to a select few. I really wanted to help more people in the world. And that was really the impetus to do it. There were people out there that wanted to work with us, wanted to work with me, but maybe they couldn’t afford it. And this was my answer to that. And I thought that there could be, you know, depending on the kind of matchmaker you go to, not all matchmakers are created equal, right? So, the matchmakers are using their own lens, which means they could be coming from their own life, experience, their own traumas. It forgot about the database. That’s a whole other question about, you know, how consistent is that personal company, but when you’re working with a matchmaker, your matches could differ between the person in the office, helping you, and it shouldn’t be that way. Right? It should come from a certain perspective. Mine just happens to come from core values. I’m a values-based person. I’m a values-based matchmaker of a values-based coach. So I wanted to create that value trigger system within even the onboarding and the matching process and the feedback process. So that’s part of the whole plan, Terry.
Dr. Tari: That’s amazing. So how do you work with people? How does it work?
April Beyer: Men are the members currently, and it’s a monthly model for the men to be able to meet the women in our network. We always do one, one match at a time, and women are invited to come into our network and apply; it’s offline. It’s, it’s, still exclusive. But the nice thing is, if we reach out to a woman, who might be a potential match for a client, it isn’t just those of us in the office looking at that match and making, like a guess, right? So, so many of us as matchmakers, we’re pretty intuitive, but it’s also built in experience. Now we have the added benefit of being able to see real data and alignment. That shows us percentage points of why these two people should get together. Chemistry cannot be predicted, but you can actually get closer to it because if you have knowledge of the hierarchy of your values, and those are important to you, then it could actually be attached to the chemistry piece. Right? If you get out on a date and this person has the standard values that you have, they have the same outlook on life, the same lifestyle goals; you have more potential to be free, to feel the chemistry, and to develop the romantic feelings about somebody because you know, that stuff has been taken care of in advance.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. So, everybody, it sounds like in your database or that you work with, fills out something that assesses their values.
April Beyer: Yes. I created an; I call it the EVT system, Emotional Value Triggers. And I created a dynamic onboarding process that a lot of people have likened to the Myers-Briggs for the heart cause you actually. You’ll as you’re going through it. It isn’t a static profile where you fill in what you’re looking for, most dating app profiles, and even matchmaking profiles.
They’re either interviewing you or you are filling out a static profile; you don’t learn anything. And my goal with level was to help people learn about themselves as they were looking for love, right? Become your best self while you look for love; that’s our motto. And so, it takes you through a series of questions and dropdowns. A lot of people have never really assessed what their blind spots are and deal breakers, and we have a way of learning about our clientele and the women in our network through questions around work, friends, family, past relationships, and so therefore what we’re matching on is attributes as opposed to a static profile where everybody, and you know, this to Tari, is that, when people start their wishlist of what they want, I want, you know, it could be this long laundry list of these for all the things I’m looking for. But as matchmakers, we’re so used to looking at profiles, hundreds and hundreds of profiles a week that after a while your eyes start to cross, because you’re reading so much story and what you’re looking for is you might have met a client, let’s say I’ve met a client. And I know I need somebody who is intelligent, high IQ, feminine and interested in philanthropy, and has a passion for adventure and travel. When I can just see that quickly, that actually helps me get that match out the door faster than reading on and on and on. And before I created a level, I would read profiles, and I would get lost in the stories that people would tell. It wasn’t exactly what I needed, but what I was looking for were these keywords and my eyes literally started seeing highlighted keywords within paragraphs.
Dr. Tari: Wow,
April Beyer: And what I built is something that actually shows that to me, without me having to read through the story. And so this guided questionnaire takes you through the story of your life, and you know, you’ve been married, you have children, you’ve pursued your advanced degree. So you’re going to have a different journey in my profile than, say, a woman that didn’t pursue her advanced degree, that didn’t get married, that didn’t have children. You’re going to end up in the same place, but you go on a different journey because we want to know about those experiences through your education and your family, and your past marriage. So that’s all part of this wonderful mapping system on the backend. And I know it sounds really techie, but it’s only because I’ve been doing the hand-stitched handheld highly curated model for so long that this is just a helpful tool that I really selfishly created for us internally for our business. But I think it’s also gonna help people too because it provides clarity, which we all need right before we start dating; we need that clarity.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. I mean, I just love this so much. Because you’re talking about, like so many things that happen internally that I think, you know, self-knowledge is so important in dating. And I guess my idea of matchmaking has always been, and I could be wrong. I know nothing about matchmaking, but I assumed it was like, Oh, it’s your, you know, matching people based on interests or physical qualities or, you know, and it just seemed like, how are you going to know?
So what you’re talking about is actually these deeper parts of ourselves that are so important.
April Beyer: Yes. Yes. Like you know, when you were sitting at the dining room table when you were a kid, what were the values that were really highlighted? You know, there’s a reason if somebody says I want to meet somebody who loves to travel well, loves to travel, could mean a lot of different things, right? It could mean people will go to the cities like New York, London, Paris, or is your travel going to smaller towns somewhere in the United States or abroad somewhere where you want to feel the culture? So that has to be layered also within something like philanthropy. There are traits that are involved in philanthropy and service, right? Which is compassion, care, needing to connect. So there is additional layering of attributes that people aren’t aware of when they’re saying a list, and you’re right. You know, I remember years ago I had an injury, and my husband and I both got injured at the exact same time. We were, we were newly married. And I couldn’t, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do anything. And my mother-in-law moved in for a couple of months to take care of it. Yes. And I know what she thought. You know, when she, when, when her son first met me and took me home to see her in the Midwest, I’m sure she had some ideas of what a matchmaker was. And like a lot of people, she thought it was somebody, like you said, just matching on you like to dance. I like to dance. I like blue eyes. You have blue eyes. And I don’t think, you know, she never really asked me about my career, and it wasn’t until she moved in with us. And I had to move my offices into my home at the time because I was recovering and she heard me on the phone with clients, and I’ll never forget it, Tari, she looked at me when I hung up the phone after about three meetings, and she said, listen, I didn’t mean to be eavesdropping, but I had no idea how layered your work is. I just thought you were setting updates. I didn’t know that you actually dive into history and fears and insecurities and passions and lifestyle goals and values, and I said, yeah, you do if you’re doing it right. Right?
Dr. Tari: Yeah,
April Beyer: So there’s not a lot of respect I find in the matchmaking industry because there are so many people in the world of matchmaking, and they get into it for various reasons, some getting into it for the most beautiful reasons. Some people get into it because they feel like it’s a social job. I don’t find it to be a social job. I find it to almost be more like a private investigator. Right?
Dr. Tari: Yeah,
April Beyer: Really trying to mind, for truth. And you have to set up a meeting so that people feel. Much like you, right, Tari? Cause you have to have so much privacy. People have to feel safe to share and reveal in such an honest way. So they don’t feel like they have to perform in front of us. What they should be doing is telling us the absolute bare-bones truth so that we can find the right fit, not what they think we want to hear.
Dr. Tari: It’s just like dating in general, right? Like presenting ourselves authentically from the beginning. So we find the people that can love us as opposed to trying to package ourselves to be palatable for everybody.
April Beyer: right. And I’ve had those meetings. Yes. I’ve had those meetings where women would come into my, you know, in the days that women would come and sit in my office for an hour at a time, you know, that’s another reason why I evolved the agency because if I met five women in a day, that’s five hours to do a really good interview.
It’s an hour, at least. And five hours out of an eight-hour workday was not a way to meet as many people as we could. So now women can onboard to the comfort of their own home. They do their profile Independently of us. They onboard through a teleprompter-style interview that gets pulled into their profile. We have a profile writing system that gets done for everybody. But the women that used to come into my office, they would always be nervous. They would come in and sit down and be beautifully dressed and presentational like you’re saying, and they weren’t; they weren’t their most authentic selves, kind of like how they would be on a date maybe. And it would take me 20 to 30 minutes just to break down walls so that I could see her truth so that I could see what she was really about. I didn’t want the negative stories of the painful stories, but I wanted to know who they were. I wanted to know, you know, what made them tick and where their vulnerabilities were, where that softer side was any; I would say anything I can Google you don’t need to tell me in an interview. Right? I can read it on your CV, or I can Google you. Don’t tell me that. Tell me about your childhood. Tell me about what you loved about it. You know who’s your hero. What gets you out of bed every morning? What drives you in your career? Not about your career, because if you go on a date and you’re just talking about that, what I call neck up stuff. You’re going to burn time with a potential love, and they’re not going to be able to see you and feel you. They’re not going to be able to get that emotional cord back to you because you’ve talked about things that are more of storytelling rather than sharing and revealing what your two elements, as we know that are necessary on dates. And I think a lot of people waste time. They waste time interviewing matchmakers and saying, here’s what I want and also relying too much on a matchmaker to be the end all be all.
Dr. Tari: Hmm. Say more about that.
April Beyer: Yeah. Yeah. I remembered years ago, every time I would hear the word matchmaker and I, it’s hard for me to explain this, but I would cringe. I get a weird physical sensation when people call me a matchmaker, but that’s exactly who I am. And I think I figured out why. I don’t make matches. I’m a bit more spiritual than that.
Dr. Tari: What do you do?
April Beyer: I connect people based on listening, not only listening to, he said, she said, but my own guidance, which I think comes from above. So I actually don’t take responsibility for the hundreds of marriages. I just say I facilitated it because I didn’t make a marriage. Those two did, I connected them, I had an intuition, I listened to that whisper in my ear and that it feels like, almost like a tug on your skirt. When you have a really like, bubbled up feeling about two people, it’s not even what’s on paper, they just walk into the room, and you go, Oh, You literally can’t think of anything else. It hits you like a wave of, I’ve got to get these two together. And a lot of the time, you’re having to pitch the match to someone because they’re going, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but April, I told you I wanted XYZ. I told you I wanted kids, and you just told me that, you know, he’s had a vasectomy and has three kids under the age of nine and is in a terrible battle with his ex-wife in court. That’s not what I’m looking for, and I go, yeah, I know, but this is your guy, and I’ve introduced those two. They went on to get engaged, and she said yes to the marriage, knowing that she wasn’t going to have her own children. And a day before their wedding day, he sat her down at the table and held her hands and said, you have reinstalled my faith in women and motherhood, and I want to try to see if you can be a mom, and we can be parents together. I want this life with you. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I want to get a reversal.
Dr. Tari: Oh my God.
April Beyer: and a year and a half later, I get a call that they had a baby. And that’s the kind of thing, Terry, that motivates me in this world because if people just come to me with a prefab list of here, go find, which is what they do to matchmakers.
They think that we’re just machines. Like you’re driving up to McDonald’s window and placing your order, signing your check, and then waiting for that matchmaker to give you what it is that you asked for. But we need to think about this bigger; we need to think about this in a more spiritual way; I can’t circumvent what is to be, I can’t make something happen, which already isn’t designed. I can only listen, and that’s why when you go to matchmakers, you have to know where you’re going, you have to know that they’re ethical, you have to know that they’ve experienced, but you also have to know who they are, how they move about the world because we do use our own personal life to make decisions for our clients.
But also you have to be, you have to have faith. You know, my favorite clients are people that have some kind of belief in some higher power because they don’t have that like white-knuckled grip on the outcome; they’re more of like, Hey, I know I’m supposed to be with you. I know that you have my best interests at heart and in mind. And when you meet this person that should be in my world. I trust you. It isn’t so much that they trust me, but they trust themselves in the decision they made to come to me. Right? I mean, a matchmaker shouldn’t be somebody that consistently fills your bucket of dates. A matchmaker should be somebody that has what I’m talking about, which is this, this breadth of, Oh, I just met this person cause we’re not supposed to fill your dating bucket. We’re supposed to find you your one and only, and that’s not supposed to be on every corner. So that’s why I don’t like the term matchmaker because it puts too much responsibility on the shoulders of the matchmaker. As being like a God-like person that can make things happen as opposed to ownership of your life, to say, I am responsible for calling in this person; I’m going to have people around me to help. I’m going to go talk to this matchmaker. I’m going to say, Hey, here are my wishes. Here’s what I want to manifest. Hopefully, you know that person, but it’s, it’s, a business, and that’s the problem is that it’s a business with matters of the heart. And when you combine. You know, an investment of money with matters of the heart. It’s power-packed. It’s it’s, it’s it’s a job that I don’t take lightly. It’s there’s a ton of responsibility, you know, we,
Dr. Tari: Obviously, Obviously, you don’t take it lightly.
April Beyer: you and I. You can feel it, right? Like you and I have talked, and we laugh, and it’s so fun for me to kind of let go and giggle because that’s who I really am. But because of my career, even my friends have said, you used to be so funny, what happened?
And it’s just because like I do, I take this so seriously, you know, it’s, it’s. A woman comes to us, and a man comes to us, and it’s us. I think there’s, there’s, four things at play. There’s her; there’s him. There’s me. And then there’s really, what’s meant to be, and all four aspects have to be working simultaneously for this to have a beautiful, beautiful outcome and result. It’s not all up to me. People have to show up, right? They have to have clarity; they have to put their heart on the table. We can’t do that for them. All we can do is open a door.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I think what you’re talking about is just like surrender, right? Instead of trying to control an outcome like that, white-knuckling you’re talking about, which is run by fear. Cause fear when we’re coming from that place of fear; we just block everything that’s meant for us. So I love what you’re saying. It’s, it’s, about faith and trust and letting go and being open. And I hope that there are so many more matchmakers like you that really take the time to intuitively feel into somebody and really get to know the deeper parts of them because how else are you going to pair people up, you know?
April Beyer: Yes, which is why I personally, I can’t speak for other matchmakers, but I can’t physically, intellectually, and emotionally work with people. I’m not connected to; I can’t because I don’t know how to produce the result for them because I can’t feel into them. Like you just said, I can’t. I can’t get there. I have to feel like I talked to a gentleman today who brought tears to my eyes with a story he told, and I want to go to work for him. I want to be his champion and his promoter. And I’m not good at selling something that I don’t believe in. I’m not a good salesperson. I, but I’m really good when I believe in somebody and I can get behind what it is that they’re needing and asking for and You know, I would love to hear what you have to say about, you know, I talk a lot about needs versus wants. Like when you’re working with your, your, clients and patients like there is such a priority placed on our wants in our world of today. And if this crazy time in our lives has taught us anything, it’s we, gosh, we have to focus on our needs. Right?
Dr. Tari: Yeah, no, absolutely. It’s so funny, and like my workshops or work with clients, I’ll have them, you know, make a list of what it is they’re looking for. And then we go over the list together, and I tell them what needs to be on it. And the things that I tell them need to be on it. Normally they haven’t even thought about things like consistency and empathy and the ability to be kind, even in conflict and self-awareness, and being able to be accountable. That’s not the stuff that people think about. And, and we have to be sure that we’re those things too because we can’t ask for a partner to be something that we’re not. So, yeah, I think that’s why you and I connect and resonate with each other so much.
April Beyer: Absolutely. Will we connect because you’re doing that work with everyone and, you know, can you imagine if everybody worked with you and then went and looked for love, can you imagine? Not only would we have more marriages in the world, but we would lower the divorce rate in the country and the world globally. And so when people say, are you invested in getting people married? The answer is, yeah. I’m more interested in people being the right person for that person, you know, becoming themselves, and I really have this thing about, could we actually low, I have a 1% divorce rate in 22 years. Every single couple that I have introduced in marriage are still together except for one couple and that couple; I told them not to get married, even though I introduced them.
Dr. Tari: Wow. Why did you tell them not to get married?
April Beyer: I was seeing things about their relationship because I track relationships. So I’m there; I’m really involved in the first six weeks of courtship. And if it makes it past six weeks, I’m involved through the 90 days because that’s really, when I think when the tone is set, everything we need to know is pretty much there If you really are paying attention and asking the right questions and you’re minding the store and then I, I sort of kind of start to back off a little bit, but I’m, I’ve been heavily involved all the way from hello to, I love you. I’ve been involved all the way to the engagement, prenups, the marriages, right. It’s, it’s all there. So that’s part of it is that I don’t want to ruin that divorce rate like, you know, I wanna, I want people to make them, instead of saying, I want to find love, and I want to get married. It’s like, I want to marry the right person, right? So I don’t have to go through that because 50, 60% of my clients have been married before. And I know the expense of divorce, I know the emotional toll and the financial toll It takes on people. And so I’m sensitive to that, and I’d rather people not wait but plan. And be patient, like you said, and fill themselves with faith and knowledge. Most people get married because they didn’t, they want something, but they haven’t done that work with you. They haven’t done that deeper dive to go hold up, you know, wait a minute. I need to take stock so that I don’t get stuck in the wrong relationship.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. So when people come to you, are they sometimes surprised at the questions you’re asking, and how do you help them expand? You know, you talked about helping people expand and grow. Like how do you do that?
April Beyer: Oh, thank you. You know, especially with men, I think men come to me, and they don’t know how to deep dive; they’ll come to me with a list that they’ve already been operating from. So we have an expression in my office called “how’s that working out for you”? Right? So I usually ask a ton of whys, you know, when I was in high school, I got thrown out of a math class and a chemistry class, cause I was always the girl in the back of the class going, excuse me, why, why, how do I, why do I need to know this? And why is that this? You know, “Ms. Buyer, get out of my class,” and I finally found a job that I get to ask why all day long. So if somebody says, I want well-traveled, and I say, okay, well, all right, so somebody as well, well, well-traveled, it doesn’t mean anything what is that going to mean to your core of your relationship and the longevity, and the health of your relationship, if somebody has traveled, what does it mean to you? Well, it means that they’re adventurous. Okay. What else? You know, so it’s always like, what else, what else? What else? So even if people come to me with this very superficial list, I’m going to make them. Come up with reasons as to why those things are important. They have to back it up for me in order for me to get behind it.
Otherwise, it goes off the list. If it doesn’t help you to be happy and whole, and it doesn’t touch the core of your being, it’s off the list. Things like height, job, you know, eye, color, career, even. And yeah, people are surprised. And if I say to somebody, You know, what is the value you bring in a relationship? What is your romantic value? Most people don’t know that they don’t know how to. I answer that.
Dr. Tari: Oh, God, I love that question. And then do you help them? Do you help them answer that question?
April Beyer: Yeah. I have; I have a whole program with women called love on your level, where I take them through all of these things. And it’s so fun to watch it because I’ve been doing this for so long. It’s nice to see women going; wait a minute.
I thought I had to dress the window. I thought I had to be all of these things. But what makes us so valuable in our relationship, I find, are the traits that we’ve had forever. They didn’t come from college, career. They’re the ones that we had since we were young. Who we were is enough, right? Those simple little traits before we got older, before we changed our lives before we started self-doubting. I think those traits are still valuable in a relationship, but people tend to overdo it. They tend to think they need to be more or do more. And I think people need to reveal more.
Dr. Tari: Wow. I have goosebumps as you’re talking. Yeah. Just like these gifts that we’re born with, we just need to let those shine. And I think you’re right. So many women, and men too, aren’t even in touch with those. They have no idea that they’re carrying these gifts. So, wow.
April Beyer: Right, because if you knew what your gifts were, then you wouldn’t have that kind of trajectory of what do I want? You’d be looking at who’s looking for me? Who needs my attributes in order to feel good about his or her life? That’s how I look at it. And that’s the problem with matchmaking, Tari is that everybody comes in with that list and they’re like, go get this. And it’s like, hold up. Who’s looking for you? Who needs you? Not who wants you, but who really needs you. So that those three to five attributes, and we don’t need many, are going to sing to that person. So I try to pull out the top attributes, and I don’t get lost or mired in a story. And I present it to the client, and I say, she is when I go to a woman, I say he is, and I want to leave those two to go out on that date to explore the rest of it, knowing that there’s something really nice to stand on on that date. I don’t need more stories. And a lot of people just think love is for the perfect and the carefree. And it’s not. It’s, it’s, for the people that are really ready to reveal and share. And give and all those things that you work on with, with people. So it’s a wild journey. It’s so much fun, and it’s painful at the same time. I mean, it’s. This is probably one of the most stressful things. I’ve, I mean, I’ve been doing it for 22 years, but I can’t imagine anything else more stressful than managing people’s love lives and dates.
Dr. Tari: Do you get feedback after the dates from both people? What happens when one person wants to have a second date, and the other one doesn’t feel that way? Like, tell me about that.
April Beyer: Yes. So we, we, can run interference, and I can let someone down gently. And a lot of times, I’m actually promoting a second date, even when two people want to give up. Because again, if they haven’t done the work with you, for example, they’re not going to see, it’s almost like you’ve made somebody this beautiful five-course dinner.
And they sit down at the table, and they go, Oh yeah, thanks. I had Jack in the box on the way, like what? Right? I prepared this beautiful meal. So yeah. Yes. Post-date feedback. That iterative process is so important because a lot of times, people are putting something in the trash that shouldn’t be. And then you’ve got to teach people based on their feedback.
One of the things that I’ve seen most often is the people that show up for me aren’t showing up for the date. Somehow they felt comfortable in my presence, and then they got on a date, and their rep showed up. Somebody else showed up on that date, and then it looked bad on me. Right. I looked like I didn’t do a good job, and it’s not that I didn’t do a good job. It’s that somebody else showed up with that presentational thing; they thought the date should be something that it wasn’t. And nowadays people aren’t sitting there for three, four or five hours to, you know, break down the walls and cut through the noise. They kind of want quick accessibility. So even with level, we created a way to get feedback, the important kind of feedback. Not the story of the feedback. It’s. What were your first impressions? Did that change after 20 minutes? Did you leave different than when you walked in the door? What did you love about this person? So many people go out on dates, and they, if it doesn’t go well, or they’re not interested romantically, they call their friends or their matchmaker, and they complain. And all that’s doing is sending a signal to the universe to bring you more of what you’re complaining about. So I, I, always start with, please talk to us about what went right. Even if you’re never going to see this person again, what did you learn? About this person, what did you learn about yourself? Can we give this person like, give them five compliments of something they did right? And then tell me what didn’t work, but we’re always piecing people together. I have clients right now that are, I have a client right now that’s going through a difficult time with work and with family, and his energy is low. And he’s bringing that low energy to his dates. And it kind of makes me a little nervous because I know how wonderful he is. So what I have to do is I have to produce feedback in advance to say you’re going to find this. You’re going to find that he’s a little remote right now. He might be. Too much head chatter. He’s not super inquisitive on a first date, please. Don’t take offense to that. He’s a little stressed. You might find him to be low energy. Now, once I explain that they’re more forgiving, as opposed to if I didn’t say anything in the pre-call, they might say this guy’s boring. Skye is self-involved. Right, but I know the backstory; I know the childhood story. I know the family dynamics that are going on. I know what’s happening at work. And so, to me, it’s like, can we give everybody a little perspective and compassion ahead of time so that they’re more forgiving and therefore more open to create an atmosphere that could potentially bring about an awesome connection. So, yeah.
Dr. Tari: And I think people who aren’t working with the matchmaker can, can take this advice too, to go on, to a date and look for the gut, right. To look for the beauty, to look for the good in that other person, as opposed to it being transactional and just. Asking, what is this person doing for me? And, you know, what are these superficial qualities that I’m looking for, but really looking for a way to connect with somebody. And I don’t think we often approach fates that way. You’re kind of a representative for your client’s best self, you know, their best self, you know, their deepest self and all their gifts and qualities and capabilities. And so you can communicate about that, but if we’re not working with a matchmaker, we can go and try to find that.
April Beyer: absolutely. And, you know, to your point, why is it that single people can’t fully fall in love with the journey on the way to the one? What is it about the human brain that disallows us from being really excited? Even if it doesn’t work out.
Dr. Tari: It’s a good question. I think we’re all focused on the outcome, right? I mean, it’s like, we focus on the thing we don’t have. And then we get more of what we don’t have instead of enjoying, instead of feeling what we want to feel before we have it. So this is what I’ve found in my work. People looking for love, they want to feel that connection. They want to feel that warm. They want to feel that love and that joy, that ability to be seen and heard. But we don’t know that we can feel that. Now even before we find that relationship. And when we feel that when we learn to channel those feelings and live in those feelings, that’s when we attract the right person, you know, but it’s sort of like the Jew and the journey instead of, you know, it’s not about the outcome, it’s about the journey.
April Beyer: I love that. That is so beautiful. That’s, that’s if I could just get everybody to have that mindset. My life would be easier, less stressful, you know, because we always say we’re on your lifts one day and your Christmas list, the next because there are so many emotions involved in this, and I think everything is valuable. I’m constantly telling my clients. There was a gentleman that went out on three dates recently I heard from the woman. There was a little chemistry, there was a kiss, there was a lot of common interest, common values, they cooked their dinner one night, and they played, you know, childhood board games and they giggled all night and they did a beach walk, like all these great things. But his feedback was, I don’t know, I’m not sure there’s anything positive to report here. And so that always makes my blood pressure spike. Right. Cause I, again, I feel these people, I lie awake at night, worrying about clients. Like, you know, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked. I’m so invested in these people. So when I called them, I said I’m confused. I’m getting really positive feedback from her. And I heard from you nothing positive to report. And what I was saying was, it’s not, she’s not gonna be the one. So he’s so outcome-driven that he’s, he’s valuing this experience with me and his investment with me. With the attachment to this person, this woman that he has in his mind, and neglecting the gift of this experience that he’s just had, which is adding layers to now, hopefully building the bridge to that person. And so I’m in, I’m in this constant battle of I’m assigned to this job. I’m this person that’s supposed to get the job done. Right. Right. Everybody wants, especially men, like men that work with us are very successful, and they’re outcome-driven, and they’re used to making stuff happen. And this is a hard part for them. It’s, it’s, difficult for them to get into this other space of allowing, like, you’ve just said that beautiful comment you made. That’s the hard part is I feel like I’m caught between these two worlds, and it’s not easy to say to somebody when they’re like, well, but I’ve, I’ve signed a contract and I came to you to find my wife, right?
Dr. Tari: Where is she?
April Beyer: Yeah. Where is she? I can’t say relaxed; none of these men want to hear it. Relax. She’s coming. Yeah. So it’s, it’s, it’s fascinating to me. It’s really given me such an education on people and what motivates them. And it’s part of the reason why Tari, I, I wasn’t married until I was 40 and that’s because at 28, 29 years old, I’m dealing with divorce and couples and people wanting marriage and relationship and I thought, wow. And you know, at that young age, you better be ready. You better be ready if you want to combine your life with another human being and their world and their families. So I enjoyed my single days. I had a blast. I wasn’t looking for the one; I was just getting ready for the one.
Dr. Tari: Hmm.
April Beyer: And so, therefore, all my dates were great, even if they didn’t work or even if they were only 90 days of a relationship or five-year relationship, it didn’t matter to me. Yes, I was heartbroken but I just always knew that it was coming, and I didn’t have to worry about it.
Dr. Tari: Wow. I wish I could gift, that to everybody like this idea that if you yearn for it, it’s meant for you. It’s coming, and I know I’ve heard you talk about your husband and your marriage and just how connected the two of you are, how loving it is. And so I’m glad that you said that, that you didn’t get married until you were 40, because I think there’s so much fear, especially for women, you know, as they reach their mid-thirties, like I, it needs to happen now and it’s, I think that fear again is such a block for people.
April Beyer: Well, there’s the, you know, you know this as well as I do, right. That there is the biological clock for a lot of women, but that’s another faith thing, you know? I thought for sure I was going to be a mom. I just saw a picture of your daughter on something she did, she’s, you know, I haven’t seen your others, but so precious. And that always makes me; I’m so happy for you. That, that always gives me a little bit of that Pang of like, I can’t believe I didn’t get that opportunity to have what Tari has, having children. I always saw myself as a mother, and I thought my husband and I were going to have children but our, when we had, when we got married, we both got really badly injured. And so, getting married at 40 and then recovering from injuries for three years kind of made that impossible. But even that has to be something where you come from a more spiritual space of faith saying, you know what? Maybe the mothering was the mothering of my clients. You know, this has also been designed for me. Getting married at 40, not having children, you know, maybe that space was needed for me to do what I do in the world. Like, I don’t know, but otherwise, we were frustrated, and we’re angry, and we’re upset and feel like the world is doing something against us. And, you know, there are so many women that have gotten married through us that are older well into their forties that had children. Whether through, you know, freezing their eggs at a time or IVF or adoption, or maybe meeting a man. And he had kids, and she became this beautiful step-mom; there’s all kinds of ways to be a mother. And even on our profile, we don’t say, will you date a man with kids? Will you not? Do you want, we just, we say, are you open to children in any way they come into your world?
Dr. Tari: I love that. And I just, I love what you’re talking about because you know, it’s, suffering really happens when we resist what is, and we, when we can accept life and accept reality, like life is just easy when we can just flow with it. And I love, I love that you just talked about that, that, you know, things are going to happen the way they happen, and we’ve got to roll with it. And accepted and find, the beauty in it. And again, it’s about that surrender and letting go of the control and not letting fear run the show.
April Beyer: Yeah, I think we get to roll with it, and we, and we embrace not accept because when I right? Cause when I hear, except it makes me feel sad. Like I have to accept the fact that I don’t have children. I have to accept the fact that, you know, I didn’t meet my husband until I was 38. I met my husband at 38 because that’s when he was ready.
Dr. Tari: Yeah,
April Beyer: he wasn’t ready for me five, seven years before that. So how can we possibly say that I should have been married sooner when this is my partner for life. Right? He was coming out of a divorce. Like he wouldn’t have been around. I have seven years prior.
Dr. Tari: Yeah.
April Beyer: And he wouldn’t have wanted me, and I wouldn’t have wanted him.
By the way, I was looking for a different guy 10 years prior.
Dr. Tari: Right. No, thank you for that reframe. It’s so true. I’m going to; you start using that embrace. What is, yeah.
April Beyer: It’s a gift, right?
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Everything’s a gift, right?
April Beyer: I just love, I just love how you frame everything. And I just, I love listening to you. You bring out the gentle parts of my being, honestly.
Dr. Tari: Ah, I feel the same about you. I know we met in Clubhouse, and we’ve done rooms together and probably do more rooms. And any time I get to be in space with you, I, all my molecules, are just buzzing and vibrating and feel so great.
April Beyer: Well, you’re a magnet for so much good. You really are. I just think you’re your power. I do. You’ve collected like just beautiful people in your world, and you know, and then I get to be the recipient of that energy.
Dr. Tari: Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
April Beyer: You’re welcome.
Dr. Tari: So it’s hard to sum everything up that we’ve talked about on this podcast. It’s so amazing. But what would you leave my listeners with in terms of what you’ve learned, seeing the beginnings, the middles, the connections that you facilitated in the relationship and dating space, what, what, advice would you give to people?
April Beyer: First and foremost, I would say get into your yes. Say yes. More than you say no. Whether it be an opportunity to talk to a friend, meet up with a friend, be connected through a friend, a matchmaker on a dating app. We’re in such a world of trying to control our environment and our schedules. And we’re very protective of our schedules.
So, therefore, we think we need to be very tight and rigid with the people we say yes to. And I say the fastest track to finding love is literally just saying yes; if I call you and say, I want somebody for you, don’t ask me too many questions. Just go, yes, I’m in.
Dr. Tari: Hmm.
April Beyer: And, and really understanding that when you have a date, and you meet someone new to take your inner critic off your shoulder, that person is not invited that you are there to learn, grow, make a brand new connection and if you can be there and be of service to the person you are sitting across from, or, or walking through the park with you, shine. You don’t need to perform; you don’t need to prove yourself on a date. If you make it about the other person, it becomes about you because you’ve now created a space for somebody, especially a man, to be comfortable with you, to reveal and share, and the win-win is that not only did you get to learn more, but it’s also the most natural way to vet and qualify someone. Because when we’re comfortable, we speak the truth. And therefore, you actually save tremendous amounts of time and not dating somebody for three, six, nine, 12 months, and then finding the red flags. You can actually see them very quickly when you yourself show up, be vulnerable and reveal and share and inquire, get your head out of your list. That’s when you can actually find the fastest track to love.
Dr. Tari: Wow. Wow. That is so amazing. How can women get into your database? And how can people find you if they want to know more?
April Beyer: They can find me on Instagram. April underscore underscore buyer or our website, which is level connections.com, where you can apply there for anyone listening, you can go ahead and apply to our, our private, offline exclusive network mentioned Dr. Tari’s name, and we’ll be able to send you a free code for application and also find me on aprilbuyer.com.
Dr. Tari: Awesome. Thank you so much, April
April Beyer: I, so appreciate you. This has been so fun. I could talk to you all day.
Dr. Tari: I know, I feel the same way. Thank you, April.
April Beyer: Blessings. Thank you, Tari.