Change Your Dating App Game! – Eimear Oneill
Dr. Tari and transformation love coach Eimear Oneill discuss a new way to approach dating apps that will increase your success, help you feel excited about the process and help you stop wasting time using the wrong process!
Eimear Oneill is a transformational love coach who helps people to break away from toxic patterns in relationships and step into healthy, supportive and loving relationships. She is trained in Rapid Transformational Therapy, which was established by the UK’s #1 therapist, Marisa Peer, and uses these subconscious reprogramming techniques to help people easily take control of their love lives.
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Change Your Dating App Game! - Eimear Oneill
Welcome to Dear Dater, the PodCast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack, and I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles. And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create and access the love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it when we change; our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.
Dr. Tari: I’m really excited today to have Eimear O’Neill on our PodCast. Eimear is a transformational love coach who helps people break away from toxic patterns and relationships and step into healthy, supportive, and loving relationships. She is trained in rapid transformational therapy, which was established by the UK’s number one therapist, Marissa Pier, uses these subconscious reprogramming techniques to help people easily take control of their love lives. Welcome, Eimear.
Eimear O’Neill: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here with you.
Dr. Tari: Really happy to have you before we hit the record button; we were just talking about how we met on Clubhouse and how much our messages resonate with each other.
Eimear O’Neill: And it’s so refreshing to see the positive self-love messages around dating in a world that I feel is saturated by manipulation tactics. How to get what you want, how to trick the other person into liking you into responding. It’s just so refreshing to hear your message and to see that, actually, we can put ourselves first and get even better results in dating.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And everything you say and do resonates so strongly with me, and I think it’s really important work. So how did you come to be in this dating and relationship space? Can you share a little bit of your story?
Eimear O’Neill: Yes, of course. So I started with the mind-stuff, the subconscious minds of conscious programming; I was getting into that because it was benefiting me, and I wanted to help other people. And that was before I was. Particularly interested in helping people with love and dating. I was learning more generally.
And as I was studying, I studied with Marissa Pier, and I was doing a lot of practicing and receiving a lot of hypnotherapy on myself. And what I noticed was that as I was working on myself and as I was developing my own self-worth, my own self-love and I was learning why. I had behaved the way I had behaved.
What I noticed was that my own dating patterns automatically shifted. I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have to create a different strategy or anything like that, but I noticed that a lot of what I had been doing previously was looking for attention, looking for validation. I really enjoyed meeting new people, knowing that they were interested in me without necessarily needing to look at whether they were a good match for a future because my focus was on getting their attention to know that I was worthy. Whereas when my worst started to come from inside of myself, that behavior just stopped. I didn’t even notice that, stopping; it just stopped. And I stopped needing to continue talking to people.
If I knew there wasn’t a future. I just didn’t feel the need for their attention or anything. I felt quite satisfied on my own. And when my behavior started to shift, my results started to shift, and I started meeting people who are actually really good people with similar interests. And so on a day, even if we didn’t have a future, we’d have a really nice conversation.
And when I looked back at my progression, I realized actually, our results in dating calm from inside; they come from within. And I noticed that so many people I spoke to believed that dating is down to luck or to chance. And it was just when will the right person cross my path. And when I started working first with my friends and then with clients, I was getting the same results over and over. It was like, you work on yourself first. Then you’re able to create a healthy relationship and choose the right person to do that with. And that’s how it all happened. It was quite an organic progression from my own experiences.
Dr. Tari: Oh, my gosh, you and I have such a similar story of transformation in that way. And I think that message is so important.
Eimear O’Neill: And it shows as well if you and I both have similar stories and my clients, your clients all have similar stories, but it works. It’s not a one-off; it’s not a fluke. That is how we create healthy, strong, loving, committed relationships from working on the inside first.
Dr. Tari: Yes. Yes. So today, we’re going to be talking about app dating, online dating app dating. So I guess we’ll be talking about how, does this apply to that specific topic?
Eimear O’Neill: And I love updating; I love this topic because it’s so misunderstood. I feel that there’s not many people who say I love using dating apps. There’s always some resistance, some hesitation, some reason that it’s not comfortable or it’s not what they want to do. Most people I speak to would prefer to meet somebody in person for a number of reasons.
And what I noticed is that the reasons they, typically just misunderstandings of how the apps work. It’s, actually, one of my big passions is helping people to use them differently so that they feel more in control of their love life. So a lot of people will feel like the apps are very, super special. That’s when I hear out a lot, and it’s very superficial; it’s all photos. And we’re judging people based on their appearance. And another one is that we can’t tell the chemistry. With another person, when it’s all just texting and photos, it’s really hard to get that sense of chemistry. But dating apps are not; they are very different to dating in real life, but they’re not in any way deficient.
We just have to learn to use them differently. And it’s something that we have to figure out; our generation is using them for the first time. We don’t have parents to give us advice on what worked for them in dating apps because it didn’t exist at that time. And so, we have to figure out our own set of guidelines and rules. So it’s just new, but that doesn’t make it worse than what existed before.
Dr. Tari: Oh, I love this. I love this because you’re right. There is such a negative attitude to app dating, and people bring that attitude onto the app. So then, they don’t get the results they want. So we have the experts here, so are some of those guidelines of how to update in a better way?
Eimear O’Neill: You touched on the first one, is having that attitude of seeing the app as another way that you’re allowing your ideal part pregnant to cross your path. You’re just opening up another Avenue for them to be in your life. And that’s very important. Now, when we have a global pandemic, people are maybe not able to meet as easily as they want codes to be able to create another way for your partner to come into your life.
Even though we’re restricted at home, it’s a miracle that’s a phenomenal opportunity. And If you could start to see it in that way, then you’ll bring that positive attitude into the photos that you put up into what you put into your bio, into how you start conversations. It will affect everything, and that, will have that little mindset shift will have a big impact on the results that you get.
Dr. Tari: I love that so much. I love what you said that it’s a miracle that we have this,
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah, and that’s when a pandemic had happened in the nineties before there was widespread online dating. We would have actually just been alone for the whole time. So it’s an opportunity, and I would really encourage people to start to view it that way, which could be a difficult choice, but it’s an important one.
And then the other thing is that people often get disappointed because they stole many people on the apps. And so many people that they’re just not interested in. And so, an important shift that I help people to see is that actually real life is like that too. You just don’t have to swipe left on the people that you don’t like.
You can simply walk past them and ignore them. If you go to any private place, if you go to a supermarket, you’re going to see most of the people who just don’t interest you at all. So real life is like that too. You just don’t have to consciously make a decision to swipe left. And so, I would encourage people to actually make it less of a big deal to swipe left on somebody because you do it all the time in real life.
Without feeling bad about it without feeling guilty about judging the other person. It’s just something that’s automatic when you’re out in the real world. And so it’s okay for you to recognize actually, I’m not that interested in that person meant to swipe left without any skills through judgment or anything like that.
Dr. Tari: I love that because I always say, if you’re going to be on the apps, be excited about who you’re going to meet, but know that you’re going to have to sift through a lot of people. You’re going to have to say a lot of nos. And do you find that sometimes people swipe right on people that they’re just so-so about?
Eimear O’Neill: Yes.
Dr. Tari: And then they get overwhelmed.
Eimear O’Neill: Yes. People will swipe right for a couple of reasons. One is that they don’t want to be mean. About saying no to somebody, they’re like there could be a nice person, maybe, maybe I should. And the other thing is trying to give people a chance; we just have to be honest with ourselves.
A lot of people will feel guilty if they’re not attracted to somebody because we’ve been taught that attraction based on physical appearance is, or it’s something that we should be ashamed of, but actually, it’s human nature, and it’s. Something that you really do want in a partner, you really do need to be attracted to your partner.
And to be honest with yourself about that, and to be honest with yourself about what is attractive for you, and to be okay with saying no to somebody who you’re not physically attracted to, you don’t have to be physically attracted to everyone. If you were, then it would be really difficult today or to be in the world because you’re, you would have to spread your attention across far more people to find your match. So it’s a good thing that you’re not attracted to everyone and to just be okay with that, and to be honest with yourself so that you can focus on the people that you’re actually excited to tell them.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, I love that. And I think fear sometimes keeps people swiping, right? And then we get overwhelmed, and then we get negative.
Eimear O’Neill: Yes. And that’s the thing. When you entertain people that you already know, you’re not excited about what this does, is it reinforces the belief that maybe there’s nobody else there that’s a good much for you because you are creating a pool of people that you’re talking to, that you already know you’re not interested in, and you’re creating that evidence.
That everyone I’m talking to is not interesting. So when you can be that more honest with yourself and decide, I’m only going to speak with people who are actually potential matches, your pool might get smaller, but it will be quality over quantity. And you’ll start to get evidence that even if it doesn’t work out with this person, I can see that there are kind people, there are people who have the same interests as me. There are people who meet my criteria, and maybe it didn’t work with this person, but now I have the evidence that they exist.
Dr. Tari: I love that. You said people are afraid there won’t be chemistry. So, what about if people are afraid? Like how do they know if there’s going to be chemistry with somebody?
Eimear O’Neill: I think that’s one of the big reasons. People don’t like dating apps because you can’t tell if they’re if there’s going to be chemistry, and this is one of the things that we just need to read, learn. It’s like when the internet came along; it’s like when social media came along, we had to relearn how to use them and how to bring them into our life.
But it doesn’t mean they’re bad things. So with dating apps, there is really no way to see if there is chemistry while you’re still on the app. So we shouldn’t expect to, and we shouldn’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen with apps. We discover information about a person in inverse order.
So when we meet in person, when you meet somebody in person, you’ll be able to tell very early on if you have attraction and chemistry. But nothing about their values, their interests. And so you learn about them in that order, attraction, chemistry, values, compatibility, and we’re okay with that because that’s all we’ve known.
That’s all we’ve ever expected. And now we’ve flipped that. So on online dating, all about their interests, their background, they, like, you get to have that conversation first before, attraction and And I think people are skipping ahead.
And usually, when you find that, all of the compatibility stuff, you’ve already screened for attraction and chemistry when you’re dating in person. And so by the time you get to that stage, Then you’re starting to be able to build an attachment with the person and start to like them and want a future with them.
And sometimes people can start to develop those feelings because of the compatibility and online dating before they’ve seen if there’s attraction and chemistry. So it’s just a misunderstanding of the order in which we figure out: the inflammation, better person. And so on online dating, you will learn about their values and their compatibility, their interests, those kinds of things, where that’s not a reason to start to like them or get attached to them.
It is a reason to decide to see them and figure out if there’s the attraction, and the chemistry. And then, once you’ve seen all of those things, then you can start to think about moving forward.
Dr. Tari: How long should people be talking with someone before they meet in person?
Eimear O’Neill: I think as quickly as possible within reason. So there’s a certain amount that you’d like to know about a person before you meet them. You don’t want to meet with anyone who is a bad match in a way that you can find out through messages. So you want to start to understand what they’re looking for. If they’re looking for a relationship, if they’re looking for the same kind of thing as you, if they have the same kind of interest, if you’re going to enjoy the same kinds of activities together, there’s a lot that you can get through the text.
And once you’re starting to see that, actually we may enjoy spending some time together. We want a similar future. Then as quickly as possible, I would recommend getting into the video days if in-person isn’t possible right now or an in-person date. And the reason that I say as quickly as possible is because we are humans and we can start to get attached to a person even virtually and we when we’re only speaking in person, we don’t have enough information to decide if they’re a good match. So it’s to avoid getting attached to somebody who there may not be chemistry with or attraction with down the line. So it’s to get that complete picture before you start getting emotionally invested in a person.
And I figure out if you want to see somebody within one or two days of faxing. I don’t think it should take a long time; our time is really valuable. So if it’s not a good match, you should respect your own time and their time enough to try and figure out if it’s not a good match early on, rather than spending a week or two weeks getting to know a person that you’re actually not interested in, in the end.
Dr. Tari: So how do you suggest people ask to find out if somebody is looking for a relationship? Because I know a lot of women, in particular, are afraid of asking this question, so they don’t, and they waste a lot of time. So how do you ask that?
Eimear O’Neill: My recommendation; I think there’s many ways you can do this. What I really think feels good is just being upfront and honest about what you want yourself. If you say something like I’m looking for someone to build a relationship with, you hint at this or say it in your bio, what that will do is it will deter anybody who knows that they’re not a good match for you, and they want to be honest about us. And so then you’ll just be left with people who think they could be a good match for you or the people who are dishonest. At least everyone knows you want to have a relationship, and then it’s, are they willing to lie to you about it? Or are they just going, to be honest about it? And so you’ve, you’re setting yourself up for a kind of easier conversation.
The other thing I like to say is not to place that expectation on anyone else at all. So it’s like, without telling anyone else that I’m expecting them to be in that vision with me. And so if you get really clear on what you want, you can say something like I’m looking for a partner who will encourage me to do the things that I want to do, who will support me in my dreams, who will see my strengths.
When I’m not feeling strong and who will remind me of my worth and my love. And I’d like to live in a sunny place and have a lot of outdoor activities in our life. And I’d love to have a dog and maybe a kid, if you really care about that, then the other person can say, that sounds really cool. I’d like to join you.
Or they can say that does not seem like the future. That would be a good fit for me. Maybe we shouldn’t be together, but I think it’s about owning what you want. And not needing anyone else to be the person that joins you in us, trusting that one person will say the right person was there. That sounds really cool. I’d love to join you.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, I love that. I love that so much. So you put that in your bio, and I’m kind of harping on this. I get this question so much, and I talk about it so much with people. Do you recommend, if you have that in your bio, you’re very clear and open that you want a relationship? Do you recommend that people ask the question still to anyone that messages them, just to make sure that they’re on the same page? Cause I think a lot of people will just respond because they think you’re cute and kind of avoid the question.
Eimear O’Neill: You can be too much sometimes to say, do you want a relationship when they haven’t even met you yet? So if it feels like If the conversation is talking about dating and relationships or future, anything like that, you can say, do you see a partner in your future and something you’d like, now you can say that. If that’s not where the conversation is, you can go on a first date with them. See if there’s any kind of chemistry, that kind of connection. And then you can say, what do you foresee in your future? How would you like your future to be and see your futures align? So you’re not saying, do you want to be in a relationship with me? That’s never the question.
Dr. Tari: Right, that’s never the question.
Eimear O’Neill: That’s why people feel like it’s too big to ask. It’s like, do you want to be in a relationship? And that’s why often people get scared by that question, because it’s like, I don’t know yet. I have enough information. Oh, you don’t have enough information about the other person to even know if you want to be in a relationship with them.
So sometimes it can be too much too soon, but it’s never too much to be clear on what your vision is. And to let the other person know because you’re excited about it. It’s like talking about your vision for your career or for, you know, you’re, if you have sports in your life and you plan to do a big triathlon, and you’re excited to talk about that, it’s the same thing. You can be excited about your future, talk about it and see how they respond.
Dr. Tari: Yes, you have to be excited about it. Talk about it, and it’s not about them. They make it about them; then you don’t have any control over that.
Eimear O’Neill: Exactly. Exactly.
Dr. Tari: I find that a lot of people don’t ask the right questions when they’re first talking to somebody they like in deciding whether to meet. So, what kinds of questions would you recommend people ask?
Eimear O’Neill: I would recommend people stay away from the just generic conversations that you have to be polite with something. Like, not just trying to be polite and have a conversation. You’re trying to see if you’re a good match to meet this person.
So I would advise people to keep the conversation on topics that they actually love talking about. So my examples would have been when I was dating. I love talking about personal development.
And because I love personal development, that was an exciting conversation for me. And topics that you’re interested in, Your pre-screening for people that you’re going to enjoy, having conversations with for the rest of your life. If they like talking about the same topics as a good indicator that you could be really happy together in the relationship if there is chemistry and attraction.
So I would advise people in the chat to sense that kind of compatibility, rather than saying, how many kids do you want? And when it’s not an interview, you know, your compatibility without directly asking the person to tell you if they fit your list of criteria that you’re looking for.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. It’s like asking what you want to know about to see how the conversation flows.
Eimear O’Neill: Yes. And if there’s something that’s important to you, get it out on the table. So people dating with kids can also worry about how that’s going to be taken. And they say, just talk about us because they’re part of your life, talk about it. And if somebody doesn’t like it, There’ll be the back-off, and that’s great because we don’t want you don’t want anybody to be pursuing something with you if they don’t like your kid. Of course. So it’s just to be upfront about everything that’s quite important to you, but as if you’re owning it yourself, you’re not asking anybody else to necessarily to, like, get to choose, do they do it or not?
Dr. Tari: Yeah,
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah. I will tell you that a big change that happened for me switched, in my mind, that is. And I realized that my ideal partner is somebody who will think in their head. I love this woman, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
And when I thought, Oh, okay, I’m looking for somebody who thinks that about me, then they’re actually going to like all of my little quirks, all of my little weird things, all of the things I’m passionate about, that’s going to be things that they like about me.
And if somebody doesn’t like it, then they’re not the person that was going to decide to spend their life with me anyway. So once I got clear on the standard that I was looking for, I realized that anybody who doesn’t love me and all my little quirks and weird things was not going to, I was not going to be my partner anyways. So the faster I can lose them, the
Dr. Tari: Oh, my God. Oh, that is. I’m so glad you said that, so important. I think so many people go into dating, trying to be chosen or make themselves palatable for other people, or try to figure out what the other person wants. And we just waste so much time with the wrong people.
Eimear O’Neill: Yes. Yeah, you have to choose yourself, choose yourself and love yourself and even date yourself. That’s a big one. If you can make time for yourself every week and pamper yourself, make yourself look good, make yourself feel good, do something that really nourishes your soul once a week, then you’re going to feel so worthy of receiving that from another person because give it to yourself. You get used to receiving it, and just putting yourself first, dating yourself, and choosing yourself makes you know that you’re worthy of being
Dr. Tari: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for saying that so clearly. So how do people avoid, overwhelmed on dating apps?
Eimear O’Neill: Oh, it can be so overwhelming, now. Apps right now, but I’ve been hearing from clients and people that I’m talking to that, with the pandemic and in Ireland where I am. A lockdown. And it seems that a lot of people are flocking to the dating apps, and there’s a lot more, maybe quantity than quality, at the moment.
And I always compare it to online shopping. And I think if you want to buy a white t-shirt and you go to an online shop, and you’re looking at all items, How long are you going to have to scroll before you find that one white t-shirt that’s exactly what you’re looking for? That would be so when we’re online shopping what you do in your online shopping is you go to the top section and then you’ll choose a t-shirt, and you’ll choose white, and you’ll choose the size that fits you and then what do you get a page of white t-shirts and then it’s just a matter of choosing which is my favorite white t-shirt, and the dating apps don’t have the same duster and sort function that the online shopping does but a lot of that you can actually do yourself and so that’s why I tell people to be really to show who they are in their bio in their photos to be really authentically true to themselves because you can guess filter filtering that way. You will deter the people who see you and don’t like that, which is great we want them gone there for somebody else. We don’t need them And you also want to attract the person who will see all those parts of you and love them. You want them to see your profile among all of the other profiles and notice something special about us. So you can have a photo that shows a particular side of your personality. For example, when I was dating, I had a picture in Denmark, that when I was on holiday in Brazil, and it’s just a part of me I do like more kind of extreme sports kind of things I like a bit of an adrenaline rush And so by showing that I knew that anybody who also likes that would be attracted to that picture And then in my prop in my bio I would put some information about the things that I loved. I love, for example, Latin dancing, that’s a big part of my life. And so that was in there, and so if it was also part of their life, they would light up when they see that And they’ll be able to start a conversation about those topics So you can create those filter and sort functions by showing the most authentic side of yourself and not trying to be like everyone else not even trying to be a prettier version of yourself show your face exactly with that pose. So just showing, showing yourself as authentically as possible is the best way to make sure that the people who end up in your inbox are already pretty good matches. And that’s a great way to avoid being overwhelmed by all of the options that are not good options for
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I love that you brought up photos. Could you say a little bit more about that? Because I feel like people tend to put up photos that maybe don’t really represent who they are. They’re trying to present their best selves and like the filters and the sexy photos, and so say a little bit more about
Eimear O’Neill: I think the sexy photos can be used so strategically and not in the way that we’re maybe taught. So many of us who have grown up with social media apps, where you show the best side of your life, you know, Instagram shows your holidays and your beach photos and your timed legs and your workouts and your hot body.
And we’ve got accustomed to showing a representation of us that is maybe enhanced, or that seems to be a kind normal that doesn’t really question too much. Whereas on dating apps, you want to show the truest version of yourself because you’re not trying to impress anyone. If somebody doesn’t like either way you are, then they’re not your partner.
So I usually encourage people to. Have a range of photos that shows them for length, head to toe, and upon their face. They can do with makeup if they want, but also without makeup; what are you, what do you look like on a day to day basis? Show that, because if a person doesn’t like that, don’t waste your time going on a date. The last thing a person needs is to go on a date with somebody who doesn’t feel attracted to them like that is gonna, that’s gonna kill your confidence more than anything. So at least if they’re not attracted to your face, the way it looks, let them not.
And so I also encourage people to put on photos that show they’re like I said, I had the paragliding photo. So something like that shows what you like to do. And I challenge people to plant seeds in their photos and bio of things that they would love to have a conversation about. And what would you love for somebody to start talking to you about and give them a hint? Give them a clue that gives them an opportunity in your photo and in your bio to start talking about that thing.
Dr. Tari: I love that. And I think, in order to do these things that you’re talking about, like a plant, the seeds and ask the questions that light us up, we need to know ourselves. So we need to take our own inventory. Right? Things.
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah. And you can revisit your profile monthly because if you’re on a journey of self-growth, you don’t have to wait until you find yourself before you start dating; you can start dating where you’re at, create the profile that is as authentic as you can do right now. And as you learn, as you date yourself, get to know yourself, and even grow in, you can start to adapt to that.
Dr. Tari: I love that. Absolutely. We’re always growing and evolving, hopefully. Right. So how do we attract the right kind of people to the apps? Maybe you’ve already answered that.
Eimear O’Neill: Well, who you are, is to show you for who you are so that they know what they’re selecting, so that anybody who doesn’t like who you are, isn’t going to waste your time. It isn’t going to leave you feeling disappointed or rejected.
We’ll just let them not. Choose you in the first place, and that’s the way. And then the other way you can do it is the types of questions where you’re really getting to know who they are, what their values are, and If they say anything, shading, anything that could be a red flag, I think to dig into it more, ask them what they really mean or say, do you know what? I don’t think we’re a good match because you’ve said that thing; that sounds racist, and I’m not good. I just feel like we wouldn’t be a good match. So it’s just to not give people chances where they don’t really deserve
Dr. Tari: I love that. Yeah. And you mentioned something before, like if we’re talking for days, and then we realize, ah, you know what, I don’t think I want to meet this person. I think a lot of people, you know, that’s why ghosting came about. A lot of people will just not say anything. How can we, in order to be kind and let people know that, you know what? I don’t think we’ll be a good match.
Eimear O’Neill: them all the best. So it can be like, I really enjoyed this conversation. I can see that you’re a really kind, wonderful person. However, I don’t think we’re going to be good, and so I really, do dating. I hope you’ll find somebody who really likes you and appreciates
Dr. Tari: Yeah
Eimear O’Neill: And in dating, I used that, and people are genuinely appreciative of the fact that you’ve taken the time to give them a kind message because the truth of dating is most of the people you meet will not stop dating. So as long as you’re dating, you’re meeting people that you’re not ending up with. And that’s okay. And people really appreciate it because it’s so rare. People really appreciate it when you genuinely kindly communicate to them that it’s not a good match, but I do wish you all of that.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I think it’s a skill that we need to learn. Just like you said, so many people haven’t learned how to do that. We’re scared of hurting someone.
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah. And probably they’ll be just fine. They may be a bit disappointed. And that’s why it’s really nice to tell them why you actually think they’re a really cool person, because the problem is, we haven’t heard that. You have to learn how to have difficult conversations. I had to bring up the thing that you don’t want to talk about and how to ask a question that you don’t want to hear the wrong answer I do. That’s just something that comes as part of being a grownup in a healthy relationship. And so you may as well practice it before you need that.
Dr. Tari: Yes, such a good point. Because you’re right, we can begin to practice it now, even though it’s maybe super uncomfortable.
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah. And it’s, really an, a, really important part of avoiding toxic relationships is being able to talk about the thing that is causing you pain because if you ignore it, it will continue. So your only options are to address this and give the person an opportunity to change, or if they don’t change, leave.
But that is a really important skill to learn. If you want to avoid being in a toxic relationship, it’s that addressing the thing that you don’t want to address that talking about the thing that’s uncomfortable, and asking a question, even if there’s one answer that you really don’t
Dr. Tari: Such a good point. People only end up in toxic relationships because they continue to allow it. It’s not like these narcissists are out looking for you. If you keep ending up with people who are or treat you badly because you keep allowing it, you keep giving them chances. And if you don’t, they’ll go on and find somebody else.
Eimear O’Neill: It is. And it’s a tricky one because I wouldn’t want anyone to blame themselves for ending up in a toxic relationship because you didn’t know at the time. If you have been in a relationship, you’re doing the best you could at the time. And that habit of giving people a chance and allowing them to, Prove themselves or to become better. It’s such a beautiful trait to have. It is such a beautiful characteristic to have as a person to see the good in somebody. And you just have to use it wisely with the right person. So there’s nothing faulty about anybody who has ever ended up in a toxic relationship.
In fact, it can be because you’re so loving, which will make you a really good partner, somebody who’s not going to abuse that part of you and manipulate that part of you. So it’s just about being fast and not being hard on yourself for being that way, but just finding the right outlet for us, with a person who will reciprocate and give you the same kind of love and support.
Dr. Tari: Absolutely. And it’s exactly what you said the way you do that is just speak about how you feel. If something doesn’t feel right. You speak it from the very beginning on the dating apps.
Eimear O’Neill: And I remember the first time I was putting this into practice, I remember the first time I was. Asking that question or setting that boundary.
And it was so scary, but I knew I had to do it because I was worth it. And I just remember in my head; I had all of these outcomes that could have happened. This could lead to conflicts that could blow work. I might get rejected. I had all of these negative outcomes. And the reality was when they said the thing, the response was, you know what, you’re right I’m sorry. And we forget that’s the ideal outcome with the right person. So actually setting the boundary is also a test to see how they respond because your partner if you’re going to have a lifetime partnership with somebody. It’s going to, you’re going to have these difficult conversations, and you want to be in that partnership with somebody who can navigate those conversations in a respectful way, in a way where you’re moving toward an agreement rather than breaking them into a fight.
And so it’s a test, a very early test to see how they respond under pressure in a difficult situation. And then you get to see that somebody you actually want to build a relationship with.
Dr. Tari: Absolutely. It’s one of the most crucial pieces of information you need about someone. And when we can’t show up fully, it’s just what you’re saying. It’s just up and speaking our truth in a kind way. It’s just saying how we feel saying what we like saying. We didn’t like something and owning it, not judging or accusing or blaming, but just letting someone know how we feel about something.
Eimear O’Neill: The reason to communicate your standards or set a boundary it’s to say, I really want a positive relationship with you, and this is how it needs to be for that to happen. So we need to communicate to each other with respect, or those kinds of things, whatever your standards are for a positive, healthy, happy relationship. You communicate them out of love, not out of criticism for the other person; communicate them because you value them. You want them in your life, and this is how it has to be for that to happen.
Dr. Tari: Yes. So it’s a way to love yourself and the other person for sure. So on the dating apps, it sounds like what you’re saying is from the very beginning up,
Eimear O’Neill: Yeah, no. What you want and be unapologetic about it. Be excited about it.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. I’d love to, yeah. This conversation so much, I think it’s so needed because you’re right. Nobody talks about dating apps. And in a really positive, exciting way.
Eimear O’Neill: I’m so excited to bring consciousness and dating apps together. I just have this vision of everyone being really self-aware, being really like, communicative about what they want and who they are. And if everyone on the apps would like that, imagine how much easier it would be to find your ideal partner. So I’m on a mission to make this a big movement.
Dr. Tari: I am so with you, and I just love your energy and the way you work and your message. If we shift how we think about dating apps, then our experience is going to change. Thank you, Eimear loved having you,
Eimear O’Neill: It’s been such a pleasure talking to you today.
Dr. Tari: Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari, reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you.