Every Relationship is a Test

Dr. Tari discussed how every relationship is a loving test from the Universe to demonstrate that we are willing hold out for what we say we want, do our specific work and learn lessons. What is your work?

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Episode Transcript

Every Relationship is a Test

Welcome to Dear Dater, the podcast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack. And I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles.

And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create an access. The love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it when we change; our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to dear dater, the podcast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. Today, we’re going to be talking about. The fact that every relationship, every date, every man, every woman that you meet is a test.

It’s a test for you to demonstrate that what you say you want is what you actually want. I remember. You know this before I even started doing any of this work on relationships and had developed this framework for seeing relationships and helping people navigate toward them. About 10 years ago, I was in Paris with one of my best friends. We were walking along Paris talking about our dating life. And she said she had met someone right before she came on the trip. And so I asked her, Oh, well, what’s he like? And she was like, oh, I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s hot.

And I remember I stopped in my tracks, and I was like, seriously, he’s nice. And he’s hot. So we started this conversation, and basically what I told her is, listen, You know what you want, you would like to get married. You might want to have children. So it’s time to start focusing on what it is you want in a future husband.

And being nice and being hot. I don’t think, are the two primary attributes that you’re looking for. Of course, she wants to date somebody who she’s attracted to, and she wants somebody that’s kind. But that conversation really started my awareness and her awareness of how important it is to have clarity and intention in what we’re looking for.
And I remember, we were having that conversation walking through Paris. I said to her, listen. It’s like you’re at the bottom of a Hill, and you want to get your car to the top of the hill. And the top of the hill is where you have a marriage; you have children; you’re in a life that you want. You’re in a safe, committed, fun relationship.
But you keep getting distracted. You keep driving your car along until you see a hot and nice guy that would like a ride. And you’ll let him in. And then you waste months or years. You waste time, and you get distracted by men and partners that are not going to be able to give you what you want or not even on the same page as you.

You’re not focused on the goal. And I think this is true for so many of us. We get attracted to people. And so we follow that. We think about chemistry more than compatibility. But it’s when we really start to get clear on what we want, and we start to date with intention that things start to change. And I want to add in another layer here. I know I’ve talked about the universe a lot before if you follow me, and I’ve talked about it, some on this podcast. The universe is our wingman or wing woman. It really wants us to have what we want; whatever we yearn for is meant for us.

But you don’t just get everything you want without demonstrating commitment and clarity. And the fact that you’re going to do your work. Because when we’re doing our work, we’re awake. We are self-aware. We are committed to our goal. And we are in alignment with ourselves, and we’re willing to get uncomfortable, to break old patterns.

So, I wrote my first book, “Every Relationship Is a Test,” because there are so many different tests for us to pass, to demonstrate our learning, to demonstrate our work, our consciousness. And everybody here in this lifetime has their own specific work to do. They tend to fall into broad categories, but nobody’s work is exactly the same as anybody else’s.
And what the universe wants to see is that you are doing that work. And if you say that you want somebody who wants to get married and have children and was going to be a great husband but then you engage men or women, depending on who you date, if you engage men who are inconsistent or breadcrumb you, or don’t make you a priority, or have clearly told you, I’m not really looking for a relationship.

You are failing the test. The universe says I see that you’re willing to settle for something less, so I’ll just keep giving you more at that level. And it’s not until you are able to say no to distractions, even if they’re really hot distractions, that you’re going to be able to level up into the pool of potential dating partners, where your personal lives. So you can waste a lot of time picking up people on your way up the hill that are going to give you a good time that are going to give you instant gratification that may help you avoid feelings or things in your life that you need to clean up, who may help you avoid being alone, but you have to understand that those are all detours. And there’s a very quick and easy path to having what you want. And that is first to be sure of what you want. And then secondly, to demonstrate it.

And after a while, if you’ve demonstrated it a few times, even when the tests are really difficult, even if a partner or potential partner shows up, that’s really good looking, that’s really charming, really sweet, you guys have so much fun together, you have chemistry, the sex is good, you know, let’s say he meets your family. And then you discover something big. Like, you know, maybe he doesn’t want to have kids, or maybe he decides he doesn’t want to get married, or maybe you guys have a big difference in terms of values. Then what are you going to do? If you are clear on your goal, that you want to be with somebody that is ready to keep moving forward and developing and growing a relationship with you, then you’ll know that this relationship is not for you. Or you could waste time focused on all the good things knowing that you’re not going to get what you want out of it. So that’s the really hard part. You know it’s easy when, you know, somebody is sort of not giving you the time that you deserve or is very blatantly not the kind of partner you want to be with.

But I think it’s even harder when we meet people that are really good people, really good people on the inside. And yet, they are not aligned with the kind of life that we want or the timeline that we want. And you will get those kinds of tests as well. And there’s a saying that if you meet the right person at the wrong time, they’re not the right person because timing needs to be on your side. Depending on what it is you want and what your expectations are. If somebody doesn’t want to get married in the next five years, that may not work for you.
And we never want to go into a relationship trying to change someone. People will tell you, but most importantly, show you who they are from the very beginning, and you have to be willing to see it. And to accept it and not get caught up on all the good stuff and ignore the stuff that potentially will be a block or a barrier or cause the relationship to end.

And every time that you pass on a distraction, every time you roll down the window and say, “you know what? “You’re really cute. I’d love to take you for a spin, but I’m heading up this hill because I know what I want is waiting for me up there,” the universe gets behind you even more. And after a while, you won’t be getting those same distractions anymore; you will have access to a pool of potential partners who are aligned with what you want.

And then there may be other tests that come along with that, whether it’s boundaries or self-worth or pacing or fears. But this is a really, really big test. I’ve worked with so many women, and I was a woman that wasted time. I wasted time with men who could not love me, who could not give me what I wanted because I was so desperate for attention and validation. I was so scared of being alone.

That being with someone was better than being with no one, even if I knew deep down that the ending wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. I want you to understand that you can absolutely have the kind of love and relationship you want, but you got, to hold out for it. And so many people get scared that they’re too picky, or they may miss out on an opportunity. But once you’re clear on what you want and you can communicate that to someone, and it becomes clear that you’re not on the same page with someone, or the relationship is not mutual, that you don’t have similar goals, and you have the courage to pass on that and keep driving? The universe will reward you.

You will keep moving forward, and there will always, always, always be the next relationship.
Because as you know, what you yearn for is meant for you. So. If you pass on a relationship that wasn’t right. Even though it felt good in some ways, you’ll head toward a better relationship. And eventually, you will get to the top of that hill, and you will have everything you want. But one of the first tests that women often have to pass is getting rid of distractions, saying no to attention when what they really want is effort and somebody who’s willing to build something. There is a difference between attention and effort. There’s a difference between attention and interest. And you need to start understanding that the person you’re going to be with really wants to get to know you, wants to spend their time with you, and has similar goals as you.

A lot of women get afraid that if they are upfront in the beginning if they ask questions like, you know, what are you looking for? And the guy answers. And the woman says, you know, I’m looking for a relationship. I’m at a time in my life where I’m ready to find the right person and really build something.

Women fear that saying that is going to scare off men. But the truth is that kind of honesty and transparency is only going to scare away the wrong men. It’s only going to scare away men that do not want what you want, who aren’t ready for, who aren’t there or maybe never would be ready for that.

So I want you to understand that you need to show up where you’re at and speak that. And that’s how you weed out the people that are not right for you. The people that are right for you are going to love hearing you say what it is you want, and they’re going to resonate with that. They’re going to say, Oh yeah, I really wanna find my person and build something too. And it’s not that you’re saying, I know it’s used, so let’s do this. You’re saying, this is what I’m looking for. This is where I’m at in my life. And I’m not here to casually date. You have to own what it is you want in order to have it and to clear your path.

To what it is you want, you can’t keep letting men into the car without asking these questions because oftentimes, they’re just going to turn out to be a distraction.

So I want you to get your car up the hill, and the very first thing you need to do is to clear out any relationships, any energy, any men or potential partners in your life that are distracting you from your goal. I think we all have had people like that in our lives before people that ping us when they’re bored, maybe people we have sex with when we’re bored, people that give us attention validation. That’s not what you want.

What you want is a deep love and real interest and deep intimacy, and the ability to build a committed relationship with someone. So change and going for what we want always means letting go. And so, you need to begin to let go of all these distractions that may be around you because they’re messing with your energy and your vibration as well.

You are not sending out a pure vibration of I’m ready; I am open; there’s room in my life, their space in my heart. You are distracted. Your energy isn’t clear, and you’re not clear. So tell the universe – I am ready. I promise I’m going to get rid of the distractions in my life. I’m going to roll up my windows and lock my doors, and only stop for people that deserve to get in the car with me. And who are on the same page as me, at least I’m going to start there. We never know where the relationship is gonna go, but we can be very, very discerning in who we start to engage with. So clear some space in your life, get rid of distractions, and commit to yourself that whatever distractions you’ve been entertaining for the purposes of making you feel good, helping you avoid stuff, curing boredom, keeping you from being alone, getting attention, and validation that those things will no longer be more important to you, then moving forward, getting up that hill and finding the love that you actually want and deserve.

And I promise you, as you start to demonstrate that the universe is going to be behind you. Connecting all the dots, opening doors, laying out your path, and you are going to be amazed at what happens next.

Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari, reminding you that if you want love, it’s meant for you.