Speaking Your Truth, With Millee Johnson
How can we learn to speak our truth in dating and relationships and what blocks us from doing just that?
Millie Johnson is an embodiment coach who helps people connect to their authentic selves and reclaim purposefulness in the present moment.
We discuss what speaking your truth looks like, the difference between speaking about your energetic body vs your feelings, and how speaking your truth will set you free and align you with the people meant to be in your life.
Find Millee: www.instagram.com/milleejane
Speaking Your Truth, With Millee Johnson
Tari: Hello, and welcome to Dear Dater, the podcast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. I’m so excited today to have Millie Johnson as our guest on this episode. And we’re going to be talking about something really important to dating and relationships, and that is speaking your truth. Millie is an embodiment coach who helps people connect to their authentic selves and reclaim purposefulness in the present moment.
Millee: Well said, you said it better than I can
Thank you so much for having me. I’m very excited to be here.
Tari: Yeah, I’m super excited to have this conversation with you.
Tell us more about what you do, who you are.
Millee: Well, firstly, I just want to say thank you so much for having me. We connected through Clubhouse and have shared space a number of times now, and every time we’ve been able to really cultivate some, some magic, and some depth in our conversations. And so I really love the work that you’re doing, and so it was really an honor to be on your podcast.
And as an embodiment coach, this is a space I’m newly stepping into, and it’s come from years of lived experience and years of uncovering the conditionings, the patterns, and the behaviors that I’ve picked up. And for me, the most integral part of that has been reconnecting to myself, embodying all parts of myself to the energetic body, the heart space, the inner knowing, and the cues. And it’s led me on this path now to be able to share this gift with others and to support others through their process.
Tari: That is such important work. I feel like this is one of the areas that people struggle with the most in dating and relationships is really, first of all, knowing who they are, knowing how they feel. And secondly, communicating that, and showing up in that really authentic way,
Millee: It’s huge. Yeah. It’s been the hardest part of my journey. And it’s, it’s a constant because I think as children, we’re not really taught to express the energetic body. So we have these energetic cues that come up for us, but we suppress them because we don’t know how to speak them into existence.
And so my journey with this has come from constantly ending up in the same patterns over and over again, and really looking at myself and being like, what’s not changing here. What part about this is consistent? And it always comes back to it’s me, and the consistency has been my inability to speak my truth in the present moment.
And it seems so silly, and it seems so simple because that is the one thing we have is our truth. And it’s unique to everybody. However, because of fear of rejection or conflict or fear of offending somebody, we don’t practice, and we don’t speak into existence what’s going on for us. And when we don’t do that, we hold onto that.
And that energy manifests in the body. And then we get a dis-ease, or we get sick, or we explode and implode because we don’t know how to just voice what’s going on. So it’s, it’s, a constant in my everyday life. And it’s something that I am so passionate about, particularly in relationships, because I think whether it’s an intimate relationship, a friendship, whether it’s your family if you are unable to authentically express yourself in a nonjudgmental way, that is purely just you converting that energy into expression, it creates blockages.
And that’s where we get these energetic barriers between ourselves and our loved ones.
Tari: I love that. Say more about the energetic barriers and the energy. You talked about; we don’t know how to put words to, so talk to us more about that.
Millee: And this is something I’m really tapping into now is that if we’re in a room, let’s say, and the conversation goes, gets awkward, or somebody says something that maybe is triggering a story. Well, right. Everybody in the room and genetically feels it, right? Like we all get that in our stomach, but we don’t know how to let it out because we’re, we’re not taught that it’s safe to express what’s going on.
We put labels on what it is or what it isn’t, and we don’t practice it. So the times that somebody does, the voice that brings energy into existence, might come from a heightened state because of all the previous times that they’ve been unable to express. Whereas, if it was a constant in every day we were expressing in this way, we’d be able to do it in a very neutral place of just, Hey, you know, energetically that didn’t sit well with me, or that didn’t feel very nice.
And if we can speak in energy, as opposed to, you made me feel because no one can make you feel anything. Right. But the energy’s there. So if we can communicate it to the surface and our bodies are incredible at indicating that to us, when you get like the throat, your throat dries over, and then like all of a sudden, your mouth is dry.
You get the jitters when you want to speak, but you don’t know how to speak. All of these things are begging us to speak into existence what is going on, but we ignore them out of politeness or out of not wanting to cause conflict. And by doing that, we’re actually saying a huge no to ourselves.
And then what I found on my journey is that my energetic body then doesn’t trust me because it’s like, “lady, I give you cues all the time. I am telling you constantly, and you’re not listening to me.” It’s so crazy because we were given these voices, and we were given the ability to express, but we suppress too much.
Tari: You’re right. And I always say it’s literally our job to let other people know where we’re at, how we feel, what makes us tick. And it’s just so hard to do that. And I love the way that you’re talking about it. I never thought about it in terms of energy and our body giving us. Queues, and it really is a betrayal of ourselves if we’re just ignoring. So you’ve mentioned your journey a couple of times. Tell me more about how you arrived at this place and how this became an area of passion for you.
Millee: All right. Let’s dive in. So I got married quite young. I got married in my mid to late twenties, and I had very much been running from myself my whole life. I have lived in four countries.
I constantly have been doing, doing, doing, doing. And there was a lack of safety. I felt within myself that I would outwardly seek in others. And so at the age of, yeah, the mid to late twenties, I got married to a really wonderful human being. But I was not authentically showing up.
I was still attaching my identity to him. And that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, you know, for him to carry my entire identity because that’s how I felt safe. I thought if I merge into this person and I do all the things that they love, and I become the version of me that I think they want me to be, I am safe. And so we, we, entered into marriage very naively, I would say. And within 10 months, my whole being was like, no, you don’t even love yourself. How can you love this person? You don’t show up for yourself. So you’re inauthentically showing up for this person. And it was a real calling that I couldn’t ignore.
, I can say that now with clarity, but, in the moment it was, all that outward projection. And I was finding fault with everything because my energetic body was like, you need some time with you. And because I didn’t know how to communicate this, I didn’t understand my energetic body.
My go-to is to run. So I ran, and I actually ended up, so I have worked with refugees. I still work with refugees, but I actually ended up in a refugee camp in Bangladesh for four months running from my problems and being of service because it made me feel good. And so, through this journey, I had to really take a good look at myself in the mirror and really connect with my reality and with my disconnect from self.
We got a divorce, and that for me was really hard because I’ve also been in the people-pleasing state of being so to disappoint him and his family and my family, it broke me as a person, but in the best possible way, because if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I wouldn’t have gone on this journey of reclaiming myself and really reconnecting in and embodying my entire being so that I could show up authentically.
Tari: Wow. I think it’s so true that the most difficult things we go through teach us the most and end up being our biggest gifts. We don’t feel like that at the moment, of course.
Millee: No. At the moment, you want to reject it, and I wanted to blame it, but looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, really.
Tari: So when you were in the marriage, you said 10 months in, you felt out of alignment. You felt something wasn’t right. What did you look like in that relationship?
Millee: I, yeah, I looked like a very different version of myself. I was very. Captain my ability to fully embody myself. I was so used to this validation and others that I created an identity that was safe, but it wasn’t my identity. Even little things like picking a movie, I would always say, well then what do you want to watch?
You know, for dinners? What do you want?
I genuinely didn’t even consider that I had a voice, and it wasn’t like I was resentful for it either. That was my default autopilot mode.
And to give a little context, previous to my marriage, I was in quite an emotionally abusive relationship. So it was like I’d been broken in that relationship and then entered into another, without really checking in or finding those parts of myself that I loved and that I had let kind of diminish.
So. I just was and was very robotic. I was also a pilot. I was like, yes, yes, yes. Do, do give, give, give. And I got burnt out, but everyone’s walking around with so much that’s inside of them that they haven’t been able to express because we’ve told them it’s not okay to express.
Tari: So what happens? Let’s say we start practicing. And for some of us, I know this is really, really scary, super uncomfortable, but as we know, we don’t grow unless we get uncomfortable. So for those of us who struggle to speak our truth at the moment, it’s going to be difficult.
It’s going to be uncomfortable in the beginning, but let’s say we lean into that. Right. And then. Somebody doesn’t like our truth. Somebody has a bad reaction. What then?
Millee: So one thing that I’ve come to the full understanding of is I can’t control how something lands with somebody. And if I’m denying myself my ability to speak my truth out of fear of how it’s going to land with somebody else, I’m, I’m denying me, and I’m denying them. So it’s getting out of our own way.
We are the ones blocking ourselves. And for me, I talk about the energetic body because I think it lands so much softer with people, because like I said earlier, you know, no one can make me feel a certain way. So I can’t do this outward blaming of you made me feel, cause you didn’t, but the energy I’m feeling, what it’s creating in my body.
And that’s why I say, you know, check in with your physical body. If you’re conversing with someone and something is said, and your body is reacting, honor that, and it’s, it’s odd at first because we don’t live in a society that says, Oh, like, you know, that made my stomach feel a bit funny.
So at first, people. People don’t really know how to respond. But the way I look at it is I would so much rather sit in that initial discomfort. Cause I’m not projecting onto you. I’m not saying to you like you’ve made me feel anything. I’m just letting you know what is coming up for me in this present moment.
And the times that I’ve honored that, or the times that I’ve been able to cultivate magic with the other person because maybe they’ve been in their mind or they haven’t been present. And this shoots like it shoots you straight into presence because if I’m talking about the energetic body right here, right now, you can’t pull a story, or you can’t project into the future.
Tari: So what is the difference because? You’re talking about sharing the sensation in your body, right? The energetic sensation of your body and the way that I usually talk about sharing the truth is sharing your feelings.
And I like this because maybe you don’t even know what you’re feeling, at the moment, but talk about the difference.
Millee: Well, this has been the big thing for me is I think that in the human language, we’re very limited with our ability to express feelings. Because the vocabulary is not there for the energetic responses and emotion can also sometimes trigger people because if you said to someone, I’m starting to feel a bit sad, you know, it can trigger that defense.
Like I didn’t make you feel sad, and it’s like, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m just saying is like this moment. So I do a mix of the two. And I just found that when I was entering into this space, and I will also say, it’s not a space. I sit in all the time. I am still very guilty of shying away from my truth out of fear.
But when I sit in it with someone I’ve never sat in this space with before, I’ll revert to the energetic body. It can be confusing to start with because we don’t speak in energy, but we can get to a softer place. Cause it’s almost disarming.
But then, my friends, we’ll just be very straight to it now because we know it’s coming from love, and we know that it’s a safe space, and that’s how we would all like to show up in the way we communicate.
Tari: So in terms of dating, Anybody that you’re going to choose to be in a relationship with will be somebody who responds well to who you are and the fact that you speak your truth.
Millee: It’s so important to me because the previous relationships I had weren’t built on authentic truth. And they were very much built on this notion of wanting to be validated. And I’ve gone on this crazy journey of returning home to myself and, I’m starting to get to a place where that outward validation or projection is no longer needed.
Like the love is here for myself, So for me to be in a relationship with somebody now I want that space, not just for myself, I want it for them, because of the freedom that sits on the other side of being able to speak the truth the depths that you can connect to with somebody in the present moment.
And I’m such a big advocate for the fact that this is all we have, right now, you and I, this is this, is it anything outside of this is really an illusion or a projection. What I found is if I don’t speak my truth and in the present moment say I’m in an intimate relationship and something comes up for me.
And my energetic body is saying, Hey, let’s communicate this. If I don’t honor that, that stays with me; it doesn’t go away. I just then embody that feeling and. I like to joke, you know, we are all the greatest storytellers of all time, so I haven’t expressed it to you. So then, I’m going to create a narrative and a story around either you or your response.
I’m not even giving the other the opportunity to be present with me. I’m no longer present because I’m in a narrative about the person. And then when it comes out, usually in anger, aggression, or, you know, people getting annoyed about silly little things, because we haven’t expressed, in the present moment.
So in terms of a relationship, I’m very blessed that I have this ability with my really close circle of friends. We are all in this understanding of how we want to show up in the world. I’m yet to fully cultivate it in a relationship. I’ve dated since I was married, and some of those relationships facilitated this, and for some people, it was too uncomfortable.
To go there because by speaking your truth, you also have to own your truth, and you have to really connect with who you are. And a lot of us spend our lives running. So yeah. It’s, but it’s so important for me. So we’ll see.
Tari: I have no doubt who you choose to be in your next relationship, but there’ll be somebody who really can go there with you, but why do you think it’s so difficult? I always say, like, you know, all of our neuroses kind of really come out in romantic relationships. Like all of our stuff comes to the surface.
You said with your friends it’s a lot easier, but then in romantic relationships, it’s much harder. And I think we all feel that way. Why do you think that is?
Millee: I think for me, it’s the fear of rejection. And what I’ve learned is when you’re speaking truth in the present moment, you’re very vulnerable. Because you’re not holding back anything and it’s being communicated to do that in a relationship is scary because the heart is involved.
But I realized I was going into relationships that I couldn’t go to the same depths that I would in my friendships. And I had this like aha moment last year, where I was like, what, what are you doing? You have these insane connections with your friends, and you share such truths in such importance together. Why are you not bringing that into relationships? It just kept coming up for me. It was like the fear of then losing the relationship. But do I really want to be in a relationship where I can’t authentically be myself? So it was that like ping pong back and forth of like, actually, what is my truth? And my truth is that going forwards to really be able to authentically own who I am and to allow that for another.
Well, you know, I have to be in a space where I can communicate in the present moment. And you know, relationships, like you said, we fall into all of our roles. I fall into the caregiver; the people please the mother at times all the roles. And I know the roles because they’re the roles that I’ve seen in society, the roles that were taught to me, and that the roles that I’ve actively participated in. So to then show up in a way where I’m like, okay, actually, I want to cultivate this a bit differently. You kind of have to take away all those badges that we have on us of who we are or what we think we are, and really strip it back to, like presence like this moment.
Tari: And I think that takes so much consciousness. I think that’s part of what we’re talking about, right. Being present in this moment is being conscious. So what you’re talking about is such an important part of being in a conscious relationship where we are consciously choosing to do things differently.
Millee: Yes, and it’s so important. Like everything, relationships evolve and who we are evolves, but for whatever reason, we seem so scared to take the evolution into our intimate relationships. But when you can evolve with somebody? Like, magical. It’s really just stripping back what we think we know and how we think we should show up and reconnecting with what’s going on for you, and how can you communicate it?
I’m also a huge advocate for doing it in a nonjudgmental way because there is no judgment, right? Like if, if something’s stirring for me, I’m not going to project that onto somebody or judge them for it. They might not even know because no one’s communicated to them before. So it’s, it’s giving one another the space to receive and the space to be heard.
Tari: Yeah. And I think that piece you mentioned, non-judgment is so important. And I always tell my clients, and I try to live this way that anytime I’m communicating or anytime I’m being, I want to be coming from a place of love and honesty, love kindness, and honesty. And for me, that’s really what speaking truth is, is just being two things kind and
Millee: Yes. Yes.
Tari: And I think it’s really a skill that people have to learn. I mean, I’ve done couples therapy forever, and couples always come in, pointing the finger at each other. You know, like you make me feel this way and, you know, instead of taking responsibility for our own feelings, our own energetic sensations, our experiences,
Millee: We love to project.
Tari: It’s so much, we feel like it’s so much easier, but it causes so many problems.
Millee: It’s disharmony because you’re not speaking about you. You’re speaking about another. And that’s what I find really difficult, is that. The defense mechanism and the part of me that wants to feel safe wants to blame you or wants to lay responsibility within you. Whereas what I’m learning is if I can just express, from an authentic place.
And like you said, that kindness and compassion is so important. And just say this is what’s going on for me not, you made me feel, or that this action you did has created this. It’s just as simple as this is what’s going on for me because I can only ever speak about me.
Tari: Right. And like you said earlier, you didn’t use this language, but nobody can argue with
Millee: No, you can’t.
Tari: It’s hard to be defensive when somebody is just sharing their experience.
Millee: And it’s hard. Another thing that we, we love to do as human beings is we over signify ourselves in the sense of, we make it all about us. So if someone sat there and they’re genuinely coming from a place of like, this is how I am feeling, I can’t make that about me. I really can’t. And one of my best friends and I, you know, her and I have been practicing this a lot, where. Sitting in that space initially, I wanted to make it about me because then I could fix it.
Millee: You know, then I could make it better, or I could give it some kind of tangible explanation. Whereas now the reality is when she expresses like that, I’m just there to listen. And if there’s a space to explore together, we’ll explore, but it doesn’t need to be attached to me.
It’s, it’s, what’s going on for her. And a lot of times when we are wanting to speak our truth, it’s because there’s something underlying there that maybe we have an accent. Yeah, and that’s why I think it’s important that we start getting into the practice of doing it more regularly so that all of the old stuff can just kind of wash away. So then, we all fully only communicate about what’s going on right now.
Tari: Yeah. And so we’re clear, it’s like we’re releasing that we’re releasing that we’re releasing that we’re not carrying it around.
Millee: And I don’t know if you’ve ever been in these situations. I’ve had a few of them where your point of power comes up. So something happens in the present moment, and you bring it up, but because you didn’t bring it up previously, you start then reverting to all of the other times that this has happened. But the person had no clue because you never said anything before. So how unfair that I am now pulling in all of this plus stuff and dumping it on you because one thing triggered me.
Tari: Yeah. That it’s not fair. And I guess you’d have to take responsibility, like, Hey, I own the fact that I’ve not said anything and all these past situations, so now I’m really mad or upset,
Millee: because we layer it on. So if we get into the habit of when it happens, because a lot of times when I talked to people about this, they say, well, I need to walk away. And I need to really think about my thoughts, and I need to compose myself. And I say, no, you don’t. Because of that is the problem.
Because when we walk away, we have time to, to, elaborate on the narrative. We have time to put words in the mouth of the other, and we have time to create and manifest the situation that if we just deal with it directly, And yes, it’s uncomfortable. Even for me, there is still very little joy in it, but the expansion I feel on the other side and the expansion the other person feels because we free ourselves of it.
And I understand it’s difficult because we don’t do it enough. But if you’re having a, a heated discussion, let’s say with your partner and something arises that you would like to communicate to them in that moment, but you don’t, whether it be out of fear of rejection, whatever it is, and you justify in your head, and you say, I’m going to think about it, I’m going to sleep on it and then I’ll get back to it.
You carry that. So then you have to sleep with that. Then, you ,you get distracted by it. So you’re not being in the present moment. You’ve also taken your partner’s ability to receive and respond in the present moment. So we’re locking it away. And then, by the time we return to it, the moment has lost its power. Because it’s very easy, 24 hours later, to say, Hey, this happened yesterday, and this is how I felt, but you’re not feeling it. They’re not feeling it, so they could just dismiss it. It doesn’t land the same. If you can catch it in the moment, it has to land so much harder because it’s like right here right now, this is what’s going on.
And we’re speaking it to the surface. And that, to me, is the ultimate level of connection because you, you go so deep with that person.
Tari: Yeah. Okay. So let me think about this because you know, I always. Teach that when we’re triggered, right. When we get flooded with feeling, and we know we’re flooded with feeling, we would go from like zero to sixty.
Tari: a pocket.
Tari: Whether it’s a shame or fear, anger, sadness. So I always teach that we can’t really communicate from that place because we’re not rational.
And we can’t really listen. So to calm, center yourself, breathe and then communicate. But it seems like you would disagree with that.
Millee: in a, in a sense, but only because we haven’t lived in a space where we can communicate in the present moment. So I find triggers of real manifestations of energy that haven’t been spoken into existence. Right. So it could be a moment where I felt really unsafe. And something terrible happened, but I couldn’t communicate that.
I couldn’t let that out at that moment. I was so vulnerable. So that then becomes my trigger. So I completely see that there are certain situations whereby we physically don’t have the ability to show up in the present moment. And my whole thing is what if we could get into a space where children are taught to honor their truth in the present moment because they do when they’re born and when they’re toddlers they communicate or because we don’t have the dialogue or the words they have tantrums.
But we see it as a negative when really it’s its energy that they don’t know how to convey just coming out. Imagine if we could carry that through and, as adults, do it in a way where we can get to dialogue. Then I, I genuinely think it would become less and less of a need for us to have those pauses before we respond.
But I do understand that society is not being built in this way and that we. We haven’t been taught to hold space in this way. So even myself, there are some times when I’m in the present moment. And I know the ultimate knowing within me is like, if I can overcome my triggers and my barriers right now, this is the point of growth, but there are some times when I can’t.
You know, I could, but I choose not to, because I don’t feel safe or I’ve had a hard day. And the idea of going into this new dance is exhausting, but I’m aware that I’m doing it.
Tari: Yeah, so if let’s say we’re super triggered, we’re flooded with anger in a moment, you know, we’re having an interaction with someone. What would it look like to express that in the way that you’re talking about, in the moment?
Millee: So it’s about again, taking ownership,
for me, it’s about, and you said it so beautifully before. Sometimes it’s just about pausing and breathing. And I’m such an advocate for understanding that when we’re expressing, express from a new place, don’t express from somebody else or don’t express from a projection place, if you’re angry say you’re angry, but don’t blame.
Say like I am angry right now and I genuinely don’t know what to do with my body, or I want to punch a wall, or this is coming up, but don’t blame it on someone so you were feeling that and you expressed that to me, then I can, I can hear that. And instead of making it about me, I can just hold space for you, but it’s because we go to those heightened deflection and defense modes that we’re not really able to cultivate anywhere. It’s like someone blames the other blames and we just get into this mess.
Tari: Yeah, and I think too, there are going to be some people that even if we own our feelings or experience or our anger, they’re not going to want to hear it. They’re not going to respond positively to it.
Millee: I would say that probably 60% of the times that I’ve done this, it hasn’t landed. But what I’ve learned is. I freed myself at that moment. I don’t have to carry this outside of this moment. At little things like we’re launching a business at the moment. And even when our designers show us some designs and I’m feeling it, and I’m like, this is not in alignment.
It took me so much courage to be able to get into a place where I can just say like, guys; this is just not in alignment. And I appreciate the work that’s gone in, but. It’s just not landing with me, and for them to, for the first few times, and kudos to them, they’ve been fully open to receiving.
Tari: And I’ve had so many people say, Oh, you know, I tried that. I did what you told me to do. I expressed my truth. I said how I felt, and it didn’t go well, so I shouldn’t have done it. And I’m always like, no, the medicine is not in the other person’s response. The medicine is in you being able to,
aligned with yourself and show up as you really are and how you’re really feeling.
Millee: The expectation that it’s going to land in a certain way. if we can communicate it, in a kind compassionate way, how it’s received is completely not feed us to worry about,
Tari: no, it’s not in our control.
You’ve mentioned people-pleasing a couple of times, and I’m also a recovered, a recovering person, a pleaser. We’ve had very similar journeys. It sounds like. Yeah, I think it’s so hard for people to let go; we have these ingrained beliefs, especially when we’re in intimate relationships, that we’re supposed to keep the other person.
Tari: But if the other person isn’t happy, we’re doing something wrong, or we’re failing, or we’re not doing our job. And it’s, it’s really the opposite. Our job is to make ourselves happy, our own alignment, our own alignment, our own alignment, everything flows from that, but it’s such a message that we don’t receive growing up.
Millee: at all. It’s the hardest, I mean, the journey home to myself. And so I’m going to be 33 this year. And I would say like, this is really the first year where I’ve been like, oh, I love you to myself. You know, I can, I can really say that to myself and not feel uncomfortable or not feel like it was wrong. And that’s mind-blowing because we are solely responsible for this experience.
That’s it? And, and if I am so sort of outwardly seeking validation in another, I’m not loving myself, and I’m not giving them the ability to love themselves. You know, we create this codependency and these messy areas. As long as we’re people-pleasing or keeping another in a state of happiness or safety, we’re so disconnected from self.
And that was my biggest lesson, was I cannot control. There’s that lovely word. I cannot control another experience. I can’t, and I can’t control how they respond or react to me, but who do I want to honor? Because I started realizing that all these times I was saying yes to other people all these times, I wasn’t speaking my authentic truth.
I was saying a huge note to myself.
Tari: Yeah. That’s really what it’s all about.
, it’s not about finding somebody that we’re really attracted to, and we want to be with, and then we have to like, keep them. You know, or hope that they choose us, but it’s really about choosing ourselves and being clear that we want to build a relationship where we can be our full selves and then making sure that the partners we choose are a reflection of that.
And you can tell that from the very beginning, you can start showing up or not showing up from the very first time you meet someone or start talking to them. Small things like if someone’s like, Oh, do you know, do you want to go for sushi? Literally, for some of us, it would be hard to say I don’t like
Millee: Yeah, really? Yeah. People say yes. And then they go in begrudgingly. Yeah,
Tari: Or, you know, if, if we get a weird feeling about. A question that was asked or something that was said, if we don’t speak up about it, if we don’t say, I didn’t like that question or that, you know, made me feel weird, then we don’t get a chance to really see how that other person’s going to respond.
Do they get defensive? Are they curious about our experience? Do they hold space for us? It’s like the most important information that we keep ourselves from
Millee: Yeah. And for me, I basically kept myself from getting that until I got married. I would then go into that kind of commitment with someone, never really understanding the space that we could hold for one another because we were too busy. People pleasing each other. And it’s just; it’s, it’s such an important thing.
Is that, like you said, its? Can someone hold space for that? Because if they can’t and that is part of your journey, wouldn’t you rather know earlier on?
Tari: Absolutely. Yeah, because you’re really just wasting your time,
Millee: And you know, this is something that I have to admit, with myself. If it’s not fully in alignment, I’ll have one foot in one foot out. If it’s fully in alignment, I’ll put two feet in. So that’s also been a good indicator for me do I have two feet in this or do I have like a toe dipped in and like a foot firmly on the other side,
Tari: And if you find yourself in that situation, I guess you could. Talk about that with the person.
Millee: bring it all up. And this is a beautiful thing. It’s like, we don’t have to internalize so deeply. If we start conversing and get past the discomfort or the idea of how it’s going to be received. I want to be in a partnership where we talk about all of this because it also lights my soul on fire because to me, there’s such a consciousness, and there’s such a commitment to oneself, which is just the most attractive thing.
Tari: Exactly. I mean the depths and the Heights, you can go with somebody that you can really just share in the moment how you feel. Hey, I got scared just there. Something’s coming up for me or, yeah. And the exploration of that, it’s just magical.
Millee: I think, always about bringing it back to the present. If, and when it’s appropriate, discuss the past things that may have also contributed to that, but don’t make it about the past things because it’s something in the moment that’s created it.
So honor that before pulling in all of our baggage because a lot of times, if you just honor that, you don’t need to pull in the other stuff because you can get to a beautiful state of understanding very quickly.
Tari: Right. And I think for some of us, we haven’t had that experience of really being seen, heard, understood, listened to. And so it can be such a healing experience when we learn how to align with Where we are in the moment and speak that to have somebody just meet us.
Tari: then everything else just doesn’t
Millee: it’s so irrelevant that the past stuff becomes really irrelevant because in the present moment, you felt seen and heard,
Tari: yeah, but we don’t allow ourselves to be; we’re hiding. So we keep ourselves from the thing we need the most,
I also wanted to. To make the point that let’s say we, we, lean in, we say how we feel in the moment. And then somebody is like, again, we’ve brought this up if they don’t respond well, but let’s say they want an explanation. Well, why, what do you mean that doesn’t make any sense? How do we respond to that?
Millee: So I think it’s just constantly reminding that the person, you know, it’s not about you.
Tari: Yeah, and I think it’s really important if you speak to their resistance and say this isn’t about you, I’m just trying to share, and they won’t let it go, to then disengage. I always say, you know, don’t waste time explaining yourself or trying to get somebody to understand you who doesn’t want to understand you. It’s just a waste of energy.
Millee: you’ve honored yourself in the present moment. I’m such a big advocate for this to celebrate. So when you do it, no matter how hard it is, or no matter how awful you might feel afterward, celebrate because you allowed yourself to express that energy into existence, and that is beautiful.
Tari: Yeah. Oh, I love that. And I think, in any area, as we grow, as we change, as we shift, we get healthier, we get more aligned. Some people are gonna celebrate that with us and kind of grow with us, and other people won’t. And can be a difficult part of the journey, but it’s; also, we can’t stop growing and expanding and aligning. To keep somebody else by our
Millee: no. And I’ve had to learn that on my path, I’ve kept myself so small for so many years out of fear of losing friendships or loved ones or being judged, and it’s kind of like, why, why do you want to play small here? When you return home to yourself, and you get that self-love you realize like, Hey, I’m your biggest supporter?
Like, let’s not play so small anymore. And a part of that is, let’s not suppress our truth. When I look back over My late teens, early twenties, I actually had hypothyroidism, and I had my tonsils removed, and I am a huge believer that a big contributing factor to that was, I mean, it’s all my throat shocker.
Right. I wasn’t expressing myself. I and I know the times where I would literally like, swallow my words, you know when you’re thinking them in your head, but you’re like, mm. I did that for so long. And as a result, I sat in dis-ease, and it’s kind of like now, the more I’m leaning into this space, the more open my energetic body is becoming. The more like aligned I’m feeling in my body because the things I was holding on to I’m allowing into existence
Tari: I love that. Okay. So how do we start if we want to start to lean into practicing this? Where do we start? How do we
Millee: Start with people who love you the most and explain to them that this is really important to you and explain why you would like to start being able to hold that space in that present moment. And then go from there. Speak exactly what’s going on. So even when it’s happening, say to someone, I feel so uncomfortable right now because I would like to express something, but I don’t know-how, and I don’t have the words and literally talk the person through it.
So they understand that you’re just scared and that you’re super vulnerable, and then they soften, and then you can get to that beautiful space together. So start with the safe container and then just practice, practice, practice.
Tari: I love that. It’s kind of like turning up the volume on what’s going on internally.
Millee: And if you’re in an intimate relationship, start there.
Tari: And I think I like what you said to explain. Hey, I’m practicing this new way of being. I’ve realized I need to work on being more honest. I need to work on showing up more. I’m doing this because I care about you, and I love you. And I know it’s important to our relationship. This is part of how I need to become a healthier
When you present it like that, it becomes maybe less scary, less threatening.
Millee: exactly. And I’ve done it with my family. You know, I live in a beautiful, safe container that I do it with, with my friends, but I’ve done it with my family.
For my dad, he’s like, what does that even mean? He’s not even tapped into his energetic being. But I communicated this to them and I communicated how important it was. And I’ve actually been able to cultivate such a deeper relationship with one of my sisters because of it.
Instead of both of us feeling it, I’m going to try and communicate it into existence because if I’m feeling it, you’re feeling it. And that’s the thing in any of these exchanges, the energy is felt by both parties or all parties involved. So as long as one person can take the courage to go, okay, I’m going to try and speak this out into existence so we can move beyond it.
That, to me, is the power of the present moment. Like that is where we all grow.
Tari: Well, why, you’ve given me a lot to think about; I mean, this is something I speak about, I think about how I live it, but I love your perspective on it. You’ve given me some new ways to think about communicating.
Millee: Thank you.
Tari: So thank you for that.
So, where can people find you if they want to connect with you or if they want to hire you as a coach? Where can they find you?
Millee: So I’m on, Clubhouse quite a lot is, you know, that’s how we met. So on Clubhouse, I’m at Millie. I’m on Instagram. I’m at Millie Jane. I have a website coming soon. And I’m starting a new program called permission to expand. That will be coming really soon.
Tari: I love that
Millee: Great title. Right. I, when I was thinking about it.
What my journey’s been like, it was me giving myself permission to expand. So I’m like, all right, that’s the gift we shall give others, thank you so much. I’ve loved this chat.
Tari: It’s been so wonderful. Thank you so much.
Millee: my pleasure.
Tari: And I’ll talk to you soon in the Clubhouse. I’m sure
Millee: I’m sure we will. It’s always a pleasure to talk to Tari.
Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you.