Stop Wasting Your Time “Just Having Fun” Dating and 4 Essential Ingredients to a Happy and Healthy Relationship!- with Jonathon Aslay

Dr. Tari and Mid-Life Dating Coach Jonathon Aslay discuss how to vet potential mates, how to assess for the 4 essential Ingredients of a happy and healthy relationship, and other juicy topics including victimhood,

the paradox of too much choice in dating, and how personal development, self-help and spiritual work are a vaccination to emotional chaos.

Jonathan Aslay is one of America’s leading mid-life dating coaches, and his focus has expanded into a deeper, essential philosophy of what it truly means to love. After losing his 19 year old son Connor in 2018, Jonathan’s grief led him on a soul searching inner journey where he became aware of an often overlooked dimension of the dating conversation. He realized that the process of dating reveals the most common emotional health issue faced by many singles seeking a partner: a distressing lack of self-worth, self regard, and self-love. Today he is on a mission of encouraging men and women to fully love themselves with a new book, “What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway”.

Find Jonathon Asley online:

Website:

Understand Men NOW with Jonathon Aslay

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/jonathonaslay

Buy his book! www.selflovethebook.com

Find Dr. Tari online:

Get a Relationship Reading and discover your blind spots in dating:

Relationship Reading – Dr. Tari Mack (drtarimack.com)

Website: http://www.drtarimack.com

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/drtarimack

Join Dr. Tari’s Next Level Love:

Next Level Love – Dr. Tari Mack (drtarimack.com)

Episode Transcript

Stop Wasting Your Time “Just Having Fun” Dating and 4 Essential Ingredients to a Happy and Healthy Relationship!- with Jonathon Aslay

Welcome to Dear Dater, the podcast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack and I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles. And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create and access the love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it. When we change our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.

Dr. Tari : I’m so excited to have Jonathon Aslay on the episode today, Jonathon is one of America’s leading mid-life dating coaches, and his focus has expanded into a deeper, essential philosophy of what it truly means to love. After losing his 19 year old son Connor in 2018, Jonathon Aslay’s grief led him on a soul-searching inner journey, where he became aware of an often overlooked dimension of the dating conversation. He realized that the process of dating reveals the most common emotional health issue faced by many single seeking a partner, a distressing lack of self-worth, self regard, and self-love. Today, he is on a mission of encouraging men and women to fully love themselves with a new book “What the heck is self-love anyway?” Packed with fun, engaging, spiritual, and personal growth practice, and his dynamic Mid-life Love Mastery mentorship program that inspires hundreds of people daily around the world. Wow. Jonathon, welcome to Dear Dater.

Jonathon Aslay : Yay. I’m so excited to be here. Dr. Tari.

Dr. Tari : I’m really excited to have you.

Jonathon Aslay : I really appreciate talking to a therapist too, because most dating advice out there is based on a reverse psychology stereotype, societal based expectations. And, I’ve often said if a therapist was giving dating advice, it would come at it from a whole different way. And that’s the way I like to coach from that perspective of human behavior. Versus traditional, societal and egoic expectations.

Dr. Tari : Yeah, I think that’s why you and I resonate so much. And I think the work you’re doing is so important because you’re right. A lot of the dating advice out there is very externally focused, right? How do we win someone over?

Jonathon Aslay : It’s either, you know how to make a, since my predominant demographic is I work with women, how to make a guy like me, how to make a guy fall in love with me, all this stuff. And then, and there’s this other premise that men are chivalrous and, they’ll just be in charge and they’ll take the lead because they’re all, so f-ing emotionally healthy. Every single

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : mostly healthy. They he’ll just take the lead, and you’ll be chivalrous because. That’s how humans are. Ha. Humans are riddled with shit and they’re messed up and they’ve got issues and problems and triggers and all that stuff. Dating, it’s rather complicated because humans are complicated. Alright, I’ll stop now.

Dr. Tari : Yeah, no, keep yelling. You’re passionate. I like that. So we were talking before we started recording about, you were saying that you feel like, dating triggers a lot of anxiety and that as humans, we’re not really designed to have this much choice in the dating world.

Jonathon Aslay : There’s a Ted talk called the Paradox of Choice, but it’s interesting. And I think one of the examples given, and I’m gonna totally butcher this, Dr. Tari. So basically, it’s funny. I went to Best Buy yesterday and I was looking for a new TV and there was like 500 TVs on the wall. This one has this feature and this one has this feature and it made it impossible. Which one is right for me? Quite frankly, I think I could buy any TV and be fine the most part. But in dating, when you’ve got a dating app where there’s swiping and swiping and you, then you start thinking, oh, that person could be right for me or maybe not. And this and that, I don’t think we were just designed for this choice. Let me reframe that perceived choice. It’s not

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : It’s perceived choice.

Dr. Tari : Oh, say more about that.

Jonathon Aslay :So you’re looking at an app or looking at a photo and app, you’d go, oh, I liked them. And you swipe and you think, oh, they’re going to swipe back. They may not swipe back. So it’s

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : you think you’re making a choice, but you’re at first you just have to get past the, the first threshold of are you both going to even match with one another, while you’re swiping, you’re believing that these are all your choices.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : and then, when two people swipe with each other, then it becomes even more problematic because their humanness will come out. A lot of women complain that men are flaky. Men are slow, men are passive is one of the complaints. And it’s because it’s scary to connect in this venue. People think it’s easy and it is actually the ease of it is very easy, but the emotional ease can be very challenging. Because you’re putting yourself out there. So something I’ve been thinking about lately is humans actually don’t know how to get to know one another. Deeply get to know one another. So think about dating, a lot of dating coaches say, just go out and have a good time. It’s all about having a good time. You know what? Just have a good time. So here you are, you’re having a good time with the person you’ve gone on 1, 2, 3, 4, or five dates, having, you’re just having a good time. You’re just enjoying the chemistry, but they’re completely incompatible with you. But now you’re hooked. Whether you’re attached from a love attachment perspective, you’re attached biologically speaking from a chemical perspective, or you’re attached from a childhood wound perspective from the imago. By the way,

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : we’re going to get into the deeper stuff with the wrong person. Because people won’t know how to ask the right questions from the very beginning. And what I mean by right questions, better questions to determine compatibility or excuse me, shared values, blendable lifestyles, and the hardest One of all is emotional maturity.

Dr. Tari : Yes. I totally agree. This comes up all the time in my work with clients, people are just doing all this small talk,

Jonathon Aslay : I want to jump in because I want you to finish your thought, but everybody who’s listening. I want you to think of a table with four legs. Okay. The leg of chemistry. There’s the leg of shared values. There’s the leg of blendable lifestyles, because as you get older, it’s not about starting from scratch. It’s, it’s how do you blend? Then lastly, emotional maturity, these are four essentials for a healthy, happy relationship. So now the dating process is hyper-focused on chemistry type or

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : chemistry. And by the way, the good news is it’s the first thing we see. Because you meet someone. If there’s no chemistry, you’re not going to go to the next. You’re not going to go much further. The problem is people hyper-focus on chemistry and forget to ask , forget to learn. Is this person emotionally mature?

Dr. Tari : Oh, my God.

Jonathon Aslay : Not mature, like in paying bills and getting to work on time. I’m talking about emotional maturity. Are you in victim-consciousness? Are you in victor-consciousness? And then shared values, here, I live in Los Angeles, it’s a melting pot of all different kinds of personalities and ideologies and values and then lifestyle blendability. And by the way, a little bit rough to the women here for a second.

Dr. Tari : Ladies.

Jonathon Aslay : most women operate from the fantasy. If we love each other, everything will just magically work out because magic fairy dust always works out.

Dr. Tari : Chemistry does not equal compatibility. Yeah. I love that table analogy. And especially like you said, that emotional maturity piece. A lot of people don’t even know what the heck, that is what it means, how to assess for it, but you’re right. Emotional maturity means you can be accountable. You can look at your part in relationship dynamics. If you screw up, you can say, I’m sorry, like you said, you’re not in victim mode.

Jonathon Aslay : But, what’s interesting. I was working on, like dating coaches, oftentimes come up with memes for quotes and stuff like that. And I was thinking about what’s true emotional maturity. I think it’s the space in between victim consciousness and righteousness. What an idea.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : so true emotional maturity is that space in between. You’re not a victim, you’re not righteous. because some examples, what that looks like is don’t always have to be right when there’s a disagreement

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : in relationship. You don’t have to point the finger at someone else. If something isn’t

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : going right. That’s the signs of emotional maturity. Being able to listen to another person’s point of view and accept their point of view as being true for them.And the other person does the same for you.

Dr. Tari : Yeah, holding space. Like I always say, this is the hardest thing. When I’ve worked with couples come in, pointing the finger at each other, change him, change her. And the thing is, you are going to disagree about things. So can you hear your partner and just hold space? Even if you disagree, even if you feel triggered, right.

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah. And you know what I have, even that I just a thought because of what you just said, what did you say it’s about changing them. Going to the therapist

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : and trying to change them. Everybody I want to change your perspective you go to a therapist, if you in a couple, instead of focusing on changing, the other person, asked the therapist to help change you. Yeah.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : That’s emotional maturity .

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : And when we mean the word change, can, we both agree we mean grow,

Dr. Tari : Yup.

Jonathon Aslay : We mean change from a healthy perspective

Dr. Tari : Recognize your blind spots. What part am I playing here? Yeah,

Jonathon Aslay : how many couples, by the way, can I tell you a funny story? When I went

Dr. Tari : please.

Jonathon Aslay : through a divorce a decade and a half ago, my ex wife and I did the obligatory therapy session. And it was so funny because. She had met with the therapist first and the therapist

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : said, oh, there’s no need for you guys to do joint therapy. And I called up the therapist. I’m like, what do you mean? So finally it was me and my ex-wife and the therapist. And after an hour of therapy or an hour and a half

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : We leave, we get into our respective, separate cars and she calls me and says, I can’t believe you manipulated the therapist.

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay :So the therapist was like on my side, on a lot of stuff, not that it was about size, but I just thought it was so

Dr. Tari : Right.

Jonathon Aslay : because she went in thinking , I want the therapist to change him

Dr. Tari : Yeah. Yup. That’s so common.

Jonathon Aslay : but the therapist kept making her look at all her own stuff. And like humans, like I want to avoid my stuff.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : the other person.

Dr. Tari : Yup. And that’s how you are guaranteed not to grow, not to have a quality, sustainable relationship and how to stay stuck. If you don’t look at yourself, if you’re not willing to really look at yourself and by the way, in a loving light, right? Not in a critical light. And Jonathon, I know you talk a lot about this,

Jonathon Aslay : It’s funny because as I was just about to say I can only speak for United States just because of what I witnessed, but I know people all around the world are listening to this we here adopt a way of living is I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. So we are suckling on that nipple, if you will. And what self-love is I love me. I don’t need you to love me so I can feel good about myself and because I’m focused on loving me, I can give from the overflow instead of needing you to fill my cup, I’m gonna fill my cup on my own. And that’s really the message that I’m focused on from a dating perspective. Because we so suck on the nipple of, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself.

Dr. Tari : Yeah, which just doesn’t work. And trust me, the first 20 years of my life, I was sucking on that nipple,

Jonathon Aslay : Okay.

Dr. Tari : and it just, it doesn’t work. I know a little bit of your story, but how did the passing of your son lead you to this realization in this work?

Jonathon Aslay : So thank you for asking. So I’ve been a dating coach for a decade before he passed away. And what I’m fumbling here a little bit. So please forgive me because it is emotional at the same time.

Dr. Tari : Yeah. Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : I did a lot of personal development work before he passed away. I did the Hoffman process. I did insight. I’d been reading books. I’d been doing a lot of work. What I want to say is that when he passed away, I thought my life was going to be over. I thought that before he passed away, in other words, my point is I thought losing my child would cause me to go off the deep end and never return. I think because every parent’s nightmare

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : is something happening to our children, but this didn’t happen to me. And I started to reflect upon it. Why? Okay. And when I actually, when I was at his funeral giving the eulogy, I made a conscious choice. So one of two things happened. I said “Look, everybody we can grieve with suffering or we can grieve with love” And I’m talking

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : to everyone, that’s there, his friends, his family, want all of us to grieve with love. So the minute I made that statement, I thought to myself, what’s the most important relationship we have is with ourselves first and foremost

Dr. Tari : Hm.

Jonathon Aslay : So what does it take to love on ourselves? So I began writing the book. “What the heck is self-love anyway” two months after he passed away. And as I started to do this, this book, it really helped me understand the importance of personal development self-help and spiritual work as a vaccination to emotional chaos.

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : I’m gonna repeat that…as a vaccination to emotional chaos. I mean is I didn’t go off the deep end when he passed away. If you would have asked me a decade earlier, I would have told you a different story, but because of all the work I did before he passed away, it prepared me for this nightmare experience. And I didn’t go down the deep end. And that’s why I’m such a big proponent of personal development self-help of spiritual work, because that’s what self-love is. At least from my perspective. Anyway,

Dr. Tari : Yeah. Wow. I just love that because I feel like, and I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you had to experience that. But I think the way that you’re talking about it may help somebody listening, understand what self-love is. I love the way that you described that you were okay. You could go on.

Jonathon Aslay : Now, let me for your audience. Let me give you a little backstory though let’s go back. go back to my divorce. For example, I just turned forty. at that time my, my then wife and I decided to split up, lost my quarter million dollar a year job. My company laid me off the next year, the market crash and the stock market. I lost my entire net worth. I’m going through this divorce and going through all this chaos. And I found myself self-medicating with cocaine every day and alcohol. I was, I binged for over half a decade on drugs and alcohol, just to numb the pain. I wasn’t working. I lost all my money. I had to move in with my mom and dad in a

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : retirement community at age 45. I’m literally in a 1000 square foot condo in a retirement community of a bunch of senior citizens. My life, I was at the depths of the lowest point in my life. And at one point I used to go to bed, wishing I didn’t wake up.

Dr. Tari : Wow.

Jonathon Aslay : So, why share this, is right around that time. And by the way, I was addicted to online dating.

Dr. Tari : Oh,

Jonathon Aslay : That was the other addiction was

Dr. Tari : right.

Jonathon Aslay : and talking to women and talking to women and talking to women and talking to women and talking to women. Now, I didn’t realize that ended up becoming how I found my passion in my life. So all of this chaos and distress and emotional angst I was going through was preparing me for what I’m now doing professionally, I was at the lowest point of my life and it was the personal development work. The self-help, the spiritual work that shored me up from the inside out. So that by the time Connor passed away, I was ready to able to, for lack of better word, I don’t want to say handle it, but embrace it. From a place of love and not from a place of victimhood or a place of sacrifice in my own life. that’s why

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : I scream at the top of my lungs so many people to embrace a practice of personal development , self-help and spiritual work.

Dr. Tari : Yes, my gosh. Your story, it really is like this inner work, whether it’s spirituality, whether it’s, self-awareness, it will save your life and it translates, bringing it back to the dating. I went through my own transformation process, from very different story, I was a complete mess for a lot of my life on the inside, even though the outside looked fine. And so the transformative work that we do when we work on ourselves, everything around us shifts. Our relationship shifts. The people that show up in our dating lives shift, the way we see people that come in, our attraction to certain partners shifts. It’s just so important.

Jonathon Aslay : Thank you so much. And I appreciate that. And I hope everyone got some value of my share from the perspective of I, and I want to go back to had I not done all this work before he passed away. I probably would have went down the rabbit hole of despair and never returned. All right. And

Dr. Tari : Yeah, you may not be here.

Jonathon Aslay : I may not be here. And, or I just feel like I would suffer in [00:19:00] inevitably. So

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : since we’re talking about dating and relationships, though gaining is a clusterfuck out there. I’m sorry,

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : just want everybody. It is a mess. I don’t, it’s so funny because many of my contemporaries in the dating coaching world, they sell hope and I get it. It’s important to sell hope, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is messy out there, it is. And why it’s important to say it is. All right. Let’s just say that it’s messy. Okay. If we can just own that, maybe we can take a little bit of the pressure off of ourselves and just be kind and compassionate to ourselves first and foremost, because it’s not easy finding a really good mate.

Dr. Tari : Most people you meet are not going to be your mate. You have to, you’re going to meet a lot of people before you find somebody who’s a good fit.

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah. And a lot of people are like encouraging. Just go out on dates, have a good time. And going back to why I think going back to the emotional trigger, I think when we dated a lot of, lot, a lot of people and it doesn’t go anywhere. It totally affects our self-esteem, our self worth, our self-confidence on the inside because I’m not suggesting they’re all failures because every dating experience is a learning lesson. But what most humans do is they see it as a failure. I don’t think we were, think humans were prepared for this much. This why as dating coach. I teach more

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : intentionality. I teach how to really determine compatibility, how to actually get to know another human being and how to vet for emotional maturity. So instead of going out on a hundred dates, what if you could pair it down to just a few people in a year and you can find your mate that way instead of going out, just haphazardly,

Dr. Tari : and getting burnt out, dating burnout is so real. So what do you advise your clients? How do you like get in there and assess real compatibility?

Jonathon Aslay : Okay. At first it starts by knowing I have an extensive program that I put my clients through it. called the Shortcut to Mr. Right. But, cause we all, we dating coach always have to have some sort of cheesy name for whatever we’re selling, so to speak. I help women get really crystal clear on who they are and what they want. Now, every woman says to me, I know what I want, Jonathon. I know what I want. It’s funny Dr. Tari, before someone comes to work with me, I have them describe their ideal relationship. Then they go through my proprietary six week boot camp and we go through all these different exercises. And one of the final assignments is to describe your ideal relationship. And can you guess what happens every single time? Every woman says to me when they’ve done it the second time, what they say to me,

Dr. Tari : Oh my God. It’s completely changed.

Jonathon Aslay : not only that, but they say this. Why didn’t they teach me this in school. Jonathon, why didn’t my mom and dad teach me this. Why didn’t I learn this before I dated that knucklehead? I

Dr. Tari : Yeah,

Jonathon Aslay : to the comments most humans don’t understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Because if you don’t understand how something works, you don’t know how to ask the right question. And

Dr. Tari : absolutely.

Jonathon Aslay : if you aren’t asking the right questions, you can’t determine that compatibility, that shared values, blendable lifestyles. And then again, emotional maturity, you have to be vetting for these things sooner rather than later, because we’re so hyper-focused on just have a good time. I’m like,

Dr. Tari : Right,

Jonathon Aslay : that shit interrogate everybody right from the get, go then go out and have a good time.

Dr. Tari : right. No, it’s actually what I teach my clients. Ask your deal – breaker questions, ask the questions you really want the answers to, to figure out if you should even meet this person. Right.

Jonathon Aslay : Exactly. Not that I’m a big proponent of matchmaking services, but the idea is the matchmaker is asking all the hard questions for each one of you to see if you’re a good fit. In the dating process, we should do that right off the bat, say, “Hey, are you looking to get remarried?” And depending on

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay :an example, depending on how someone responds to that can give you an indication if they’re worth investing to.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : I think there’s a belief that we’ll always… I don’t know your take on this, but I think there’s this belief that you can always change someone’s mind.

Dr. Tari : Someone will tell you and show you who they are from the beginning. And I always say if you can’t accept somebody for who they are, they’re not for you. You’re not going to change anyone. And it’s disrespectful to try.

Jonathon Aslay : I do want to say though, we humans can grow and evolve together.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : Dr. John Gottman talks about, really relationships are a laboratory for your own personal growth and that person’s going to help trigger you in in ways I do believe when two conscious people to get together, even if you’re wounded, even if you’ve got traumas, even if you’ve got, adult experience or child experience, you actually can grow together.

Dr. Tari : If you want to. Yeah. But you’re right. You said two conscious people. Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : Yes, intentionally. And most people are unconsciously dating. And then it begs the question. I basically believe 97% of the population has weak emotional skills. If not any at all. Emotionally healthy skills.
Dr. Tari : Yeah. That’s why I do the work that I do, right? Just like you said, and you do the work you do because we’re not taught this vital information. How do we show up as healthy, conscious people in relationships? We can’t possibly do that if we don’t know ourselves and we don’t love ourselves, there’s just so much that we’re not taught and we have to learn through trial and error. Your journey. My journey got us both to what we’re doing now. Because we lived it. We learned the hard way.

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah. And for example, in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway, and this is chapter one is Speak your truth, Do it with kindness. Why I’m sharing this with you, is what I’ve observed with women in particular, they seem to be perpetually afraid to speak their feelings to the man that they’re with because they’re afraid the man will run away.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : what happens is when you bury your feelings continually, it’s going to steam up and blow up at some point number one. And I don’t mean your feelings that you love, the person I’m talking about, whatever’s coming up for you in relationship. So what’s why is the chapter called speak your truth, do it with kindness? Because your truth is your feelings. It’s not the truth. It’s just your truth. If I believe when humans begin to speak their truth in a kind loving way to another human being, one of two things going to happen, a person’s going to accept your truth as being true for you, or they’re going to reject your truth of being true for you. Why I encourage my clients and women in particular to speak up is because \ there’s another chapter in my book called “If it’s sincere

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : and from the heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person”.

Dr. Tari : Yes. Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : by speaking up, which you’re actually doing is actually helping you bond with your partner if it’s the right person

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : so.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : I am. I may, I’m going to tell you, I make a fortune, literally get women calling me up, help on their relationship. And I just teach them how to speak their truth in a kind loving way. And they do, and they’re like, “oh my God, Jonathon, it worked”.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : yes, it does work.

Dr. Tari : Yeah. And the wrong people disappear, they get angry, they react. They don’t want to hear your truth. And that’s literally how, you know, if this is someone you should continue to see,

Jonathon Aslay : in fact, there’s another chapter in my book. “Everything is happening for you, not to you”. Victims view things going bad. Like I could look at Connor passing away that it happened. I could be a victim. Okay. And then he died of an accident, but I could act like a victim of all this, but that Am I making sense

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : by the way?

Dr. Tari : Oh, totally. How powerful is it to have you talking about not being a victim? I think a lot of people hear that. Cause I say the same thing. Things happen for you not to you. And then, people have a reaction to that because horrible things happen. Really hard, difficult, sad things happen. Like you losing a child and yet you’re still here believing in that. Right?
Jonathon Aslay : I also, I’m going to share with everybody, what, helps me get up every morning and push through this as well is because I know that’s what he would want for me. He wants me to thrive. He would I guarantee you every loved one who has lost somebody, person that is now in heaven or whatnot, they want you to be happy. They don’t

Dr. Tari : Mm.

Jonathon Aslay : want you to suffer. By the way, this is my own personal motivation, but I honor him by pushing through the pain and being advocate for self-love out there.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : That’s how I honor my child

Dr. Tari : Wow. That’s so beautiful.

Jonathon Aslay : Thank you. And I think perspective makes all the difference, right? For me, the perspective is honoring him, right? one

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : it’s interesting going back on perspectives or judgments. There were before my son passed away, there were people that didn’t like me, didn’t like my voice or whatnot, but it’s interesting.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : And there were people that, very argumentative with me.

Dr. Tari : You mean, like in the dating, your dating coaching stuff.

Jonathon Aslay : life, but it’s interesting. The minute my son, these are people that disliked me, but the minute my son passed away, they all started to like me

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : Why am I bringing them? Because they’re operating from a place of compassion and not judgment. They’re looking at me and going, oh my God, he’s a man that lost a child. I want to be compassionate to previously just the day before were looking at me with judgment. And so I share this as, because when we shift our perspective and you have an opportunity to shift to love shifting, to the compassion and love. People are treating me differently. Why not? Why can’t we just make that the norm?

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : How about we just operate from a place of compassion all the time.

Dr. Tari : Yes. And I think it’s, going back, like bridging this with what you were saying before, like asking the right questions and weeding people out, so to speak, you can do that in a loving and compassionate way. You don’t do it in a critical bitchy way or a judgemental way. It can be done in a loving way. I just think that’s so important because you’re just, you don’t want to waste people’s time. You don’t want to waste your own time and it’s not about anybody not being good enough for you. It’s just, they’re not a match.
Jonathon Aslay : let me give you an example, by the way, for everyone listening right after we were recording this, I actually have a zoom date by, I got fixed up through a matchmaking service and I have a Zoom date. It turns out that the person lives about 55 miles away from me. And I actually, I had originally said to the matchmaker, I’m not sure if that’s a fit, because my lifestyle was here and everything. So one of the things I’m going to ask this person right off the bat is tell me about your lifestyle because my lifestyle is here. If your

Dr. Tari : Mm.

Jonathon Aslay : lifestyle is rooted where you’re at. I know now of course we could meet halfway, we could meet halfway on a first date and have chemistry and like each other and, we could start the dance. Okay, cause I’ve done it a gazillion times, you could do the dance,

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : ultimately I’m pretty clear that this is where I live and I really don’t want to be schlepping that much now. So I’m basically going to ask her what’s her lifestyle. In relationship to this. And does it even make sense to continue to go on,

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : By the way, the matchmaker did ask that’s why I’m going ahead with doing this, but I want to, I’m going to ask it to confirm it because why invest time in a person get attached, only to have it blow up later.

Dr. Tari : right. Yeah. It makes sense. If that’s something you’re not going to compromise on.

Jonathon Aslay :I’ll ask you from your perspective, Dr. Tari perspective, because I like to think that’s being intentional on my part, by being intentional may not be romantic per se, I think by being intentional, it demonstrates that I am self-aware about who I am and what I want. Remember I said before women, and again, I’m not just because I work with women, they oftentimes just think if we love each other, we can make all that other stuff work out. And it’s, to me, it’s the other way around.

Dr. Tari : Yes. So are you asking me if I feel like that’s you being intentional?

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah. What are your thoughts by the way, for everyone listening, I said, I’m really excited to talk to a therapist because I get it. I think therapists should be giving dating advice and not the people who read the book, the rules. So what are your thoughts about being more intentional right from the get-go.

Dr. Tari : I believe in that,

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah.

Dr. Tari : I think that’s a good thing. I also, So in this situation, first of all, I think being intentional is very important if you know yourself and, things that you’re not willing to compromise on, then those need to be asked about right away. And so asking her is she never gonna move either then you’re right. I don’t think there’s a point in pursuing anything
Jonathon Aslay : You said something, and a lot of people, a lot of people think of deal breakers as honesty, integrity, trust, those are my deal breakers. Those are values. Okay. I get it. But real deal breakers

Dr. Tari : No.

Jonathon Aslay : are the practical things. That’s why I said blendable lifestyles, because

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : for those of us who grew up in the baby boom, gen X period, we watched this TV show called Brady Bunch. And it was like, oh, it’s this magical, the man who’s a widower has three kids. And this woman we don’t know, or she’s a widower or not, it’s find out later she was divorced, and and she’s got three kids and you’ll just magically blend these lives together. First off, Carol Brady didn’t have to work. She had a maid take care of everything for her and there was no ex-spouse to deal with. There was

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : to deal with.

Dr. Tari : Okay.

Jonathon Aslay : no going back and forth with alimony and child support and visitation rights and so they made it look like you can just blend lives easily.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : we got to think of all the little things that make up the challenge with blending lives, ex spouses. And like I said, alimony, child support, all this other stuff might be in the mix. There’s so many different factors to see if our lifestyles blend together. So I’m a big proponent ask those questions early on versus just hoping that you’ll figure it out later on down the road, as one example.

Dr. Tari : I agree. And I think it also depends where you’re at, what you’re looking for. So you’re looking, sounds like you’re in a place where you’re looking for something serious. And I think a lot of the people that we work with are,

Jonathon Aslay : This is a great time to talk about something that I’ve noticed. Okay.

Dr. Tari : all right.

Jonathon Aslay : So let’s just agree that in the dating process between you and I. Let’s just agree that the first layer of commitment the agreement to monogamy and exclusivity So first layer of commitment, I’m going to agree, not to date anyone else and put my penis or vagina in anyone else’s penis or vagina, the first layer.

Dr. Tari : I’m glad we got those words in this episode, by the way. Thank you for that.

Jonathon Aslay : I can’t help myself. This is the way. I. Okay, but what’s the next what’s commitment after that. A lot of people don’t know what that looks like for them. don’t, and they don’t even know how to really, co-create a relationship. I’m a big proponent of co-creating a relationship versus

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay :relationship because men are terrible. Emotional leaders. First off men are terrible emotional leaders are relationship. If they’re leading the relationship, just keep in mind. It’s their way. Okay. Because, so where does a lot of friction lie? The woman isn’t happy with the way he’s doing it. So that’s where a lot of friction lie

Dr. Tari : Man.

Jonathon Aslay : so how about approaching it from a co-creative perspective?

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : I’m encouraging people to do, and if

Dr. Tari : What does that look like?

Jonathon Aslay : okay,

Dr. Tari : agree, but what does that look like? Spell it out.

Jonathon Aslay : I think right from the get-go I think everybody should buy the book Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, eight

Dr. Tari : Yay.

Jonathon Aslay :and Julie Gottman. Okay. this is literally this book eight dates. These are eight separate conversations to have with the person you’re seeing to determine compatibility. And

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : anyone who watches my YouTube channel, I always say before the penis goes inside the vagina, you guys should be both reading this book. Okay.

Dr. Tari : Or reading it while you’re putting he penis inside the vagina, you know,

Jonathon Aslay : Exactly. At least startconversation, by the way, I’ll tell you Dr. Tari, women, who’ve been following my advice. They’ve actually introduced the many books that I talk about in my YouTube channel. I’m getting email after email, my guy, and are reading this book and it’s helping us gain intimacy with one another intimately. So how do we, because the whole dating process is just about having a good time. It’s all about having a good time. Just focus on having a good time, of focusing on how to actually co-create something together.

Dr. Tari : build something. Yes, totally agree.

Jonathon Aslay : Because really commitment is a function of trust. How do we build the roots to trust? It requires talking about the real tough stuff. So everyone listening. I just want you to know something, Dr. John and
Julie Gottman. I think they’ve interviewed 30,000 couples. And what they did is they notice what causes divorce. What they did is they reverse

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay :engineer. If these are the things that caused divorce, then why not talk about this in the early stages of dating before you get too

Dr. Tari : Yep.

Jonathon Aslay : attached to another human being?

Dr. Tari : Yes. And they came up with the four horsemen of the apocalypse as they call them. Right. Defensiveness criticism.

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Tari : It’s so important. It’s so important. All right. So we have discussed a lot. So going back to you and Best Buy, looking at these TVs, right? Cause that’s kinda where we started, like all this choice

Jonathon Aslay :Oh,

Dr. Tari : in the dating world

Jonathon Aslay : yeah.

Dr. Tari : And we could be shopping for a TV forever because there’s always something better. There’s always new features. If we don’t know what we want. We don’t what you’re saying is we need to know what we value. What’s important to us, what experience we want to have. What else would you leave our listeners with in terms of how to navigate dating or shopping for this TV in a more intentional way.
Jonathon Aslay : Yeah. It’s interesting. Thank you for asking that. And it’s interesting because I just had an experience myself just recently. I’d like to share with everyone. And I hope it answers this question. So I’m actively dating I’m on the dating apps and I swipe and, I spend maybe 10 minutes a day swiping, and then if there’s a connection communicating, and other day I was communicating with a woman and I’m attracted to her photographs, but it’s not like I’m feeling wow or anything like that. I’m just, I’m attracted to her photographs and the conversation went well, but I found myself very resistant. And I was struggling between that thought that, that thought in my head while you just never know, just give it a chance, and and versus something’s causing resistance. I can’t tell what it is now. Part of it is I’m physically exhausted. I recorded over 30 videos this past month. I’ve been, I’ve been really on, I’m just physically exhausted and I need a vacation. Then there’s what’s going on in the world and, the, between the backseat and that this and that, and everything that’s going on in the world it’s causing stress and just not even being able to just go out and have a good time, the way I I used to

Dr. Tari : Hello.

Jonathon Aslay : is all causing stress.
So I’m thinking to myself, I’m just feeling all of this angst. So why is why am I feeling this resistance with them? I don’t know what it was, but what I did was I say, you know what? She seems like a nice person, but I said, look, I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t know what it is. And I just wrote her and said, look, I’m discontinuing communicating. Okay. Now, why am I sharing all this? I think it’s really important to honor where you’re at in your life and honor your feelings.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay :And we’re conditioned to push through and you just never know you just, by the way, how many times you go on a date and you say, you just never know, and it ends up exactly where you need, it was going to go.

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : I just knew something was off. I don’t know what it does. It could be, maybe it’s my intuition saying she isn’t right for me. And my body was telling me no, and I was, but trying to rationalize it a different way. It doesn’t matter. And she was a nice person. I’m no disrespect. I just honored how I was feeling. And I just said, know what? I’m just going to disengage right now. It just doesn’t feel right. So I want to encourage everyone to honor their feelings. You don’t have to force this, in fact, the best relationships happen when you don’t force it.

Dr. Tari : Yes. Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : it’s learning to honor yourself and not force it just because you’ve been conditioned. Give a guy three chances are, all the other rhetoric that you’re told, what your inner voice is speaking to you all the time. You just, my my invitation is learned.

Dr. Tari : Yes. I love that because so often we just keep pushing, I think, out of fear. What if I’m missing an opportunity, but I love that you honored what you were feeling, what your body was telling you. He didn’t have to understand it. You just honored it.

Jonathon Aslay : Yeah.

Dr. Tari : so last question, Jonathon, for anybody listening, who’s thinking, okay, maybe I want to start this self-work maybe I want to start this spiritual work. How can they start?

Jonathon Aslay : You start by buying my book. What the heck is self-love for up anyway. I hope there’s a link below somewhere here. It’s on Amazon,

Dr. Tari : there will be.

Jonathon Aslay : but

Dr. Tari : There will be.

Jonathon Aslay : I’m actually

Dr. Tari : Yeah.
Jonathon Aslay : Because it, by the way, it’s a very easy read. It’s a journey of personal development. Self-help spiritual work. I went on my own and at the end of the book, I give all the resources, the first book I ever got, and you probably can appreciate this book was by Louise Hay called “You can heal your life”.

Dr. Tari : Oh yeah.
Jonathon Aslay : And by the way, this was back when this used to be called metaphysics. Remember that.

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay :This is five years ago. I’ll never forget getting that book. And it really did help me my journey, but I lay out some of the workshops I’ve been on some of the different books I’ve read, for example, the Untethered Soul by Michael singer. I believe that should be on everybody’s nightstand, I highly recommend reading Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

Dr. Tari : Oh one of my favorites. Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : because it really, just, this is the self-love piece. So start with my book, get these two other books. And then if you’re in the dating realm again, like start listening to John Gottman, start listening to Marshall Rosenberg, start listening to Harville Hendrix and their books because these are game changers. These are

Dr. Tari : Yeah, absolutely.

Jonathon Aslay : By the way. It’s interesting though. Can I tell you something, Dr. Tari, in my Youtube

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : channel, I’m always pumping out books to read and

Dr. Tari : Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : I don’t have time to read a book and I want to scream at the top of my lungs because the average human has spent more time brushing their teeth in their life than working on their emotional maturity. And I’m like, if you don’t have fucking time to spend 20 minutes a day, reading something that will help you from the inside out. Then you have no business dating. I’m sorry.

Dr. Tari : But maybe free up your schedule a bit. Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay : because life is not that busy. You can make time for, by the way. I like Tony Robbins says the hour of power. Everybody should invest an hour. He calls it the hour of power. I’m saying start with 15 minutes and it could be meditation

Dr. Tari : Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay : to begin with at first. Or it could be reading a book or watching a video, but do stuff for yourself because you’re spending that much time in the bathroom. Anyway, brushing your teeth, doing your hair,

Dr. Tari : Yes.

Jonathon Aslay : care requires the same amount of time as you do your physical self care.

Dr. Tari : Amen. Amen. Jonathon. I wish you’d just get passionate about something. You know what I mean? I’d wish you really tell us how you feel. You’re awesome. Jonathon, if people want to work with you or they want to find your YouTube channel, tell us where to go.

Jonathon Aslay : Okay. Thank you so much. And by the way, it’s been an absolute treat. you’re a great interviewer. Thank you. I appreciate it. First off I have a YouTube channel. My name is Jonathon Aslay. I have a podcast called the, What Would Love Do podcast, where we explore life love and the pursuit of inner peace through the eyes of love. In other words, my invitation for everyone remember I said earlier, how can we start from a place of compassion for ourselves and others versus judgment and comparison. So that’s what the podcast is about. My website, Jonathon Aslay.com. I do private coaching. I’ve got my book. It’s on Amazon.All these places to reach Instagram and Tik-tok. Now I’m doing Tiktok videos.

Dr. Tari : You are everywhere.

Jonathon Aslay : I’m burning the candle at both ends.

Dr. Tari : The work you’re doing is so important. I’m so happy that you came to talk to me and I think you’ve probably helped a lot of people.

Jonathon Aslay : Oh, thank you. I appreciate

Dr. Tari : yeah. Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you. .