Sturdiness Vs. Softness In Relationships and Rupture and Repair. What Are These Things and Why Are They Essential To Happy Relationships?- with Ozzie Osborne
Dr. Tari and Relationship Coach Ozzie Osborne discuss sturdiness vs. softness in relationships, what this means and why it’s important as well as Rupture and Repair – what is it and why is it essential in your relationships?
Ozzie Osborne is a love and relationship coach and she supports men and women in creating epic relationships through finding themselves and returning to love. Ozzie is also passionate about making love a language taught in school.
Find Ozzie Osborne online! http://www.ozzieosborne.com
Find Dr. Tari online: http://www.drtarimack.com
Sturdiness Vs. Softness In Relationships and Rupture and Repair. What Are These Things and Why Are They Essential To Happy Relationships?- with Ozzie Osborne
Welcome to Dear Dater, the PodCast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack, and I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles. And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create and access the love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it; when we change, our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.
Dr. Tari: I’m so excited today to have my friend Ozzie Osborne. Yes. I said, Ozzie Osborne, you might be surprised by the voice you hear soon. On our show today, Ozzie is a love and relationship coach. She supports men and women in creating epic relationships through finding themselves and returning to love. And Ozzie is passionate about making love a language taught in school. Ozzie, I’m so happy to have you on my PodCast today. Welcome.
Ozzie Osborne: I’m so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. So we were talking ahead of time about what, in the heck, we were going to talk about because there’s so much, there’s so much we could cover. There are three things that I know you’re really passionate about and really focus on. You told me once that you help men show up for women, and you help women soften so they can show up more for men. So can you say a little bit more about that and the work that you do there?
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah, I’d love to. I’m really passionate about supporting men and women and understanding their role. And a lot of times when I tell very successful women, you have to soften up, the first reaction is the resistance to thinking that they need to be helpless or they need to appear weak. But in fact, there’s a lot of strength in softening up. What that looks like is really, I teach men to soften their heart, are, role of feminine is to receive. You think about it anatomically, we’re designed to receive, whereas the man and the masculine are designed to give. And it’s really imagining their heart just softening, and so they’ve just softened, their body, they walk a little slower, they talk a little slower. And so it becomes more of, again, a receptacle. Now you are receiving as opposed to being very direct and much a boss. A lot of women today, successful women, are very much about the hustle and that, and it’s beautiful, and it’s wonderful. However, it does not create polarity with a man who wants to be masculine.
Dr. Tari: Wow. So what do you say to a woman who is resistant or says I don’t want to have to change in order to be in a relationship. I am strong. I am powerful.
Ozzie Osborne: And I said you are, and you’re right. And how does that work for you? And so they often go, okay, right, that doesn’t work. A lot of times, their story is, I intimidate men, and I always ask, I ask them to reframe that because I think it’s an outdated statement. Any man that I’ve worked with or spoken to does not resonate feeling intimidated by women.
What they do feel is not attracted to the woman that’s very direct where they might have to compete. There’s no sexual attraction there because the polarity doesn’t exist. In order for a relationship to be sparked, sexual polarity, you need to have a masculine energy at the core and a feminine energy at the core in order for the polarity to magnetize. The feminine is actually designed to be very much flowy and not, the, hustle. The hustle is very linear. Whereas the feminine is very soft and round and wavy the ocean.
Dr. Tari: So you’re talking about like masculine and feminine energy, right?
Ozzie Osborne: Yes, I’m speaking of a masculine, feminine, which we all have masculine, feminine energies. It is not attached to a gender. It’s strictly energy.
Dr. Tari: And you’re saying that the feminine energy is more about receiving, going with the flow being soft and open. And the masculine energy is more about, like getting things done directing.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah.
Dr. Tari: Is that how you would say it?
Ozzie Osborne: Exactly. Being on purpose, being an unwavering being, I call it sturdy. It’s that sturdiness, right? Being able, to take, any to take anything that comes their way also risk-taking is also part of the masculine as well. So now when you have, most men identify at the core as masculine, masculine energy, and most women at the core identify as feminist. So they’re feminine as much stronger than their masculine. And again, that’s not to say they can’t use their masculine energy to work, to be entrepreneurs, to be successful, to do things in the world. And it doesn’t make them weak, and it doesn’t make them lessen when they soften. In fact, it makes them stronger because when you think of softening, you think of an opening, and you think of wider; the feminine energy is meant to be wide—not constricted.
Dr. Tari: Hmm.
Ozzie Osborne: The masculine again is very linear. It’s very straightforward and penetrative. Very much this, no one can see me doing this, but hands to demonstrate. And when I send women out into the world, not with men necessarily, they want to attract, but just men in general, just so they could practice and see if it works. Come back, and they say, you know what? You’re right. It does work. They use it at work. Where they notice themselves maybe, being really, directive. And when they softened, they noticed that masculine that’s near them perked up and be, there to provide. And that’s, there’s a beautiful dance there.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, you mentioned polarity. Can you say a little bit more about that and how it works and dating and relationships?
Ozzie Osborne: Absolutely. So polarity is think, of, magnets. So two, two magnets, or coming together as a positive and a negative that attracts each other and then sticks. So polarity relationship, in order for a relationship to be sparked sexual polarity, you need to have a masculine energy at the core and a feminine energy at the core in order for the polarity to magnetize.
In order for it to diffuse and become this beautiful dance. And again, it creates a really beautiful flow in the relationship. When you both understand your role, now that’s not to say that the woman, the gender, someone that identifies as a woman who is with a man that identifies as a man, that’s not to say they can’t switch roles because sometimes.
Dr. Tari: You mean, situationally or in general?
Ozzie Osborne: Situationally. Yeah. Sometimes a man is in his feminine; he’s in his feelings. He needs to express. So sometimes it means that the feminine or the woman needs to be the container, needs to be that safe net for the masculine to express as feminine.
Dr. Tari: I love this. I love so many things that you said; first of all, I love how you talked about the feminine energy being wide. And there’s so much strength in that and allowing and opening up and not constricting. And I love this idea that you meet somebody with the opposite energy. So if your man is in his feminine, you meet him in your masculine; it’s that polarity. And that sounds like in dating, that’s what kind of creates the sexual attraction, that the dance, the tension interest. And so it sounds like for women, if they can’t soften, if they can’t open up, if they can’t allow the man to lead or protect or take care of, or make plans or whatever it is, they get stuck.
Ozzie Osborne: They get stuck. Yeah. And or they step into their masculine, and they take over. So a lot of times, you’ll hear, I’m sure you’ve heard this in your practice too, where a woman would come to you and say, he’s just not asking me out. And he’s acting like he likes me. He’s texting me, but he’s not asking me out.
Would it be a bad thing for me to ask him out? I always say a woman who identifies that at her core, she’s a feminine to invite the man so to be invitational on, the way that you invite is either through being playful or through suggesting, right? So suggesting an opening for them because men today, they need that invitation. So think of it as two people at a bar, and a man and a woman see each other. Her body language needs to be open. She needs to have eye contact, at least not too long, but just eye gazing so that it gives them permission to walk over. There’s a lot of fear for men in being rejected or maybe saying the wrong thing or being accused of being too aggressive. And so oftentimes they, the whole back,
Dr. Tari: How can a woman do that over text? How can she create an invitation without asking him out?
Ozzie Osborne: So, a couple of ways, one, I will usually have them say something to the effect of I’m going to this really cool place. Made me think of you. You should totally show up; you should totally join me. I’ve done that a few times where I got, I had concert tickets and I said; I’m going to this awesome concert. I know you’re going to love it. You should join me so that you should join me is a challenge, a very cute way to challenge them, to invite them. And then they say yes, and they think it’s their idea because they, then they show up and then it was easy for them. You made it easy.
Dr. Tari: I love that. And what about for men? The kind of men that come to you, how do you help them show up for women?
Ozzie Osborne: So we do a lot of breathwork. And a lot of the breathwork is getting them to feel as if their legs are like trunks that are really sturdy. A lot of men are very wobbly. They’re very wavering, uncertain, and unsure because they really are confused. There’s a lot of confusing messages that are being put out by women.
Yes, no, yes, no. Yes, no. And they just don’t know if it’s safe, right? Men and women both need safety in different ways. Some people might argue with me on that, but men and women both need some sort of safety, emotional safety. And so for them, it’s breathwork, it’s consciousness. So the masculine really about their purposes to be in their consciousness.
So really activate consciousness, and the way you do that is through meditation. I teach them meditations that empties, out all thought. So they go to a place in their body where there’s nothing; they’re suspending thought completely and also activating the part of them; that needs to be present with what’s around them.
And it’s really; it’s a really challenging practice for men because men, again, are very much about just one way, and let’s just go very direct. But the men today are all over the place. This is a really great practice to be able to be very sturdy, empty, and also very aware.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. How does that man, who is doing that work or has done that work? What does he look like on a date or in a relationship?
Ozzie Osborne: So a lot of these guys, this is really funny. A lot of these guys, over-complicated cause, they think too much they’re in their heads, so before the date, they do a meditation that’s clearing that gets them in the zone. They set the time and the place and do breath work right before as well, which again empties them out of any thought, worry, concern, anxiety, any of that, anything that would be leaky.
For the most part, it’s really about. Being really present, asking really good questions, listening, not fixing, not outdoing. So I give them some tips. When you notice that the feminine is going into the masculine, she’s not feeling safe. You got, to adjust something in your body. It could just be energetic and just be, you straining up. Like shoulders back and just pretend you are just a pull that’s not moving.
Dr. Tari: Wow, like, present more strong, more sturdy, more grounded, a safe container.
Ozzie Osborne: And breathe. Try to mimic the breadth of the feminine because then you are synchronized. And then she is pulled in. Now, of course, read the room. If she, someone that’s not interested, be present with that because you don’t want to, put someone in an awkward position. So make sure that you’re with someone that’s aligned.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Oh, I love this. I love this work that you do because it’s just another way. I think that people play out the same patterns, and they can’t figure out maybe what the work is. And it sounds like you really help people identify that, which is really cool.
Ozzie Osborne: I think the other thing for men that I really love, first of all, I send them all to men’s groups. I think men’s groups are a really good place for them to be bros; they need that freedom to be able to express themselves with bros. They don’t know what to do with their emotions. And men have become very sensitive, and there are a lot of emotions, and they think that by bringing it to the feminine, it creates vulnerability. It can, but it needs to be in a timely place, and you just can’t bring it to anyone.
I always send them to work with men because I think once they work with me, for me, it’s really about really teaching them how to be heart-centered and conscious. Then I send them to the men’s group where they can; they could really do a lot of immense work. I think that’s super important to being with bros going out in nature. So sometimes my local clients, I will take them on a hike. We’ll do practices while we hike and mimic a partner to them. And then I teach them what I, as a woman, would want in that partnership so that, know how I would want to be led as a feminine. And so it’s super interesting because, again, it’s almost like a simulated experience in real life.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, that’s so cool. And I love what you’re saying about the men’s group, because yeah, as a man, you don’t want to save up all your emotion and then express it all. When you meet a woman, that might be a little bit too much. So having a support system of guys that really get what it’s like to be a guy.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah.
Dr. Tari: I love that idea.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. There’s just been a lot of emasculation and also a lot of victimization. And I think that, modern masculine today. Is very confused about their role as even just as a human being. And so I think there’s a fear if I say the wrong thing that I might be accused of something, or if I do the wrong thing that she might, they have to think about those things, and those are things I actually have to teach my boys when a girl says, no, that means no, you don’t cross, you don’t cross a line. You don’t ask her for any pictures on text. There’s so many things that we have; I have to teach my boys to be careful because we’re in a world right now where you say the wrong thing to do the wrong thing. It’s on your record for life. And so it’s an interesting place that we’re in right now with men and women. It really is.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. It’s really important work that you’re doing. You said you also work with couples. Tell me about that.
Ozzie Osborne: Relationship work was brought to me through my own relationships. And I knew that I went through the amount of pain that I’ve gone through in my relationships to be able to support other people and knowing how to navigate relationships while in the relationship because, if, towards the end of my marriage, I spent a lot of time constructing a system for my marriage, how I would have wanted it. And I presented it to my husband. And he wasn’t in, but it takes two willing partners, but I remember it sparked something in me, and it had me feel like it’s absolutely possible to approach a relationship with a strategy, with a structure in order to create trust and safety so that both people feel taken care of, feel like belong, feel they’re seen, feel they’re enough.
And I really love and relationship retreat in Hawaii. And I remember the facilitators intervening with a couple, and I noticed my body move forward, and I observed the couple, and I observed the facilitators, and I was in awe. And I remember thinking right after that, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want to support couples’ relationships to be healthy, and so for me, couple-work, I’ve also supported ex-husband and ex-wives and how to get along. We created a system together and then agreement, relationships require an agreement so that both people understand each other, they know what the, they know each other’s traumas, they know each other’s nuances, they know each other’s trigger points so that they could really hold space for them and be delicate. And also honest, authentic. So the couple’s work is really interesting for me, and I was explaining to you, I actually really love simulating a fight with them.
So I’ll spark a fight. I know that there’s a trigger point, and I’ll support them in how to reframe a moment because oftentimes, when people are in conflict, they’re in conflict, and they both want to be right. So you see people really upset, and they get very defensive, and they get very they start they’re ready for a fight. And you’re taking a loving couple, how many times have you been in an argument with someone that you love, and all of a sudden, you just want to tear their heads off.
And sometimes you hold back because you don’t want to say the wrong thing, but sometimes you, on leash and you’re you just let it all out, and you say things you might regret. So for me, it’s really about again, giving one another the space to express authentically. And do you have to have the language to use? That’s going to be forwarding, so learning how to create conflict from a healthy space. Cause I actually think conflict is good. And you and I talked about that. I think conflict is huge
Dr. Tari: Yes. Important. Say more about that. Think a lot of people don’t know what you mean.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah, I know a lot of people like, no I’ve worry conflict I can’t, cause they think of conflict as a confrontation and in fact, it could, it doesn’t have to be the reason why it works is because every relationship goes through a season, you have the honeymoon phase, then you have the settled in phase, and you have a, Oh my God, what am I doing phase? What are we calling ourselves phase and so on and so forth? So I think with every phase, something has to sort of combust and open. So there’s something called rupture and repair, and rupture and repair is something that you learn at a very young age from your caregivers.
And if rupture and repair was not taught in a way. That was healthy for you, and you were always left in the rupture, you never experienced repair. Think about it, conflict within your adult life is very scary. It’s true; it’s almost re-triggering a trauma for you because you feel that you will be left.
You feel that you will be abandoned. You feel that your partner won’t have your back because you’ve never experienced the rupture and repair. Now rupture, and repairs is, could just simply be that, you might’ve gotten angry at your partner and your partner walks out the door, right? If your partner comes back and actually has a conversation with you and talks it through with you, then that’s the repair you’ll most people won’t remember the rupture you’ll remember the repair.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, that’s so important.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. The repair, the rupture, is where the growth happens. It’s the beginning of the growth, and then the repair puts a nice little container around it.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I think there’s so many people, like you said, that have not experienced conflict leading to a deepening in the relationship, that safety of, Oh, I can say I’m upset. I can say I’m worried. I can say I’m scared. I can bring up a difficult conversation, and we move through it, and we’re even stronger than before.
Some of us have never had that. So to even believe that’s possible is really hard. So I love that you’re helping couples do this. So you said you create a conflict by bringing up a trigger area, and then how do you move them through that?
Ozzie Osborne: So I have them face each other. And so as they’re all stand, behind, so this is in real life. It’s not as easy to do on zoom but in real life. So I would stand behind the woman. I’ll let them have that argument. And you just see their body is just like we’re constricted, they’re ready to fight, they’re fuming, and usually the feminine is holding back because, if she, if she unleashes, she knows that maybe at some point she was told that she’s not allowed to unleash. And so my hands on her and I’ll just tell her to take a deep breath, and I’ll tell her to tell him how she’s feeling at the moment.
So I’m feeling really triggered right now. So I give her the language to use, but to come from I’m feeling not you this you this because usually in conflict you’re pointing fingers at each other. You did this, you did that, you never come back, you never take the trash out, and so it’s really, and it’s never about the actual thing they’re arguing about. That’s the funny part. Never. It’s funny. Cause one we had this example, I call this, it’s not about the mango. So in, while I was in that loving relationship retreat, one of the couples went to town in Hawaii, and they came back, and you could tell they both had an argument.
And so they were asked are you guys okay? Is there something going on? And so she gets up, and she’s I really wanted to go get mango ice cream, and he just kept arguing with me, and you wouldn’t do it. And then they started arguing, and the guy goes, it’s not about the mango. And she’s yeah but the main goal that I really wanted, and he didn’t give it to me. And he’s not about the mango.
And then. She finally hurt him, and she broke down because she realized in that moment that she’s not fighting for the mango. She was fighting to be seen. She didn’t feel seen, but in a moment of conflict, when you don’t have the language, and you don’t have the awareness of where your pain comes from, you’re going to projectile vomit your emotions, and those emotions have memory, and those memories come from childhood or that pain point of when you were injured, you injured by a caregiver or a peer group or someone it’s like a little, it’s a wound that gets touched. And now you’re speaking from that wound; you’re not speaking from your adult self, your wise self. Now you’re speaking from the child.
Dr. Tari: Oh, I just love this because yeah. When we get triggered, we’re just flooded with emotion, and if we try to speak from that place before we recenter, then we just cause all kinds of problems we can’t hear or listen, we push away when we want what we really need. And one is connection.
And I think it’s such an important skill for people to learn. And I always say when two people are going at it, like one gets loud, the other gets loud, neither of them are being heard. And I think being heard and seen is what we all really want at the core.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. And I think in the collective, there’s a very loud narrative for men today. And it’s the not-enoughness the feminine wants to be seen and the man, the masculine, wants to be enough. And so when you take that enoughness, and you take, I want to be seen together there like
Dr. Tari: Oh,
Ozzie Osborne: It’s like they’re projecting.
Dr. Tari: They cause me to push each other’s buttons all over the place.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. So I teach them masculine just stand there and to just tell the feminine. Tell me more and just let her, let it out. Because as being a feminine, we carry a very big basket with us all the time, and we have to unleash it. Not projected. We have to unpack it, we have to unpack it, we have to feel it, and the more we reveal it, the more we could feel that freedom that we are. And the more, but we’re constantly testing the masculine. Is he going to move? Is he going to move? It’s we’re, pushing up against them to see if he’s going to fall over sturdy, and he takes it. Then, and, he’s just standing there and just says, I’m not leaving, I’m here I got you. And the feminine softens up, and then the feminine can just be free of whatever is going on for her, the shadow. And then, the masculine can just be the container.
Dr. Tari: I love that. And then he feels like he’s doing something, probably helps him feel enough.
Ozzie Osborne: Yes.
Dr. Tari: And value within, important. He has a role.
Ozzie Osborne: And then she feels seen, and he feels enough. And a lot of times, men will ask me well but wait, she’s calling me names. She’s saying awful things. And I always remind them, no, you’re not standing here taking abuse. You’re standing here in your grounded-ness, and if she is being abusive, then you have every right to say. I see that you’re having a lot of feelings, I love you, and I’m not going to stand here and take the beating. I’m going to go to the other room, and when you’re ready to take me in, I will come back.
Dr. Tari: Hmm, when she can own her feelings and her experience instead of blaming or accusing. Yeah. Wow.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. It’s throwing daggers.
Dr. Tari: Yes.
Ozzie Osborne: And as we said, conflict then creates an elevation to the next part of your relationship. It allows, to grow with the relationship and grows that emotional connection that’s so beautiful and so sacred, but you have to have two willing partners. I think that’s one thing.
Dr. Tari: That’s so important. Yeah. Both people have to be willing to lean in and do that piece of work because I really think a couple’s ability or inability to do conflict in a healthy way is either a strength or weakness in the relationship. And you really can’t move to that next level like you’re talking about. So you’re really helping people repair something that could. Keep them very stuck or very limited, or even break up.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah, I for example, I’ll give you an example from my own experience. I never experienced repair in my life, and in my childhood, I experienced rupture to such a degree of there’s a lot of abuse for me, and there was a lot of abandonment. So I experienced a lot of That rupture in a very big way; conflict to me was a danger, it was dangerous for me conflict. And when I experienced conflict in my family, it was chaos, it was loud, it was being hit, it was things thrown, it was not great, and so as an adult, I really struggled with conflict. I either avoided it, or I was not truthful in it.
And that’s also avoiding, but I had to really learn how to find people in my life that will allow me to repair with them. And once I learned, repair through a little rupture, you and I experienced something yesterday. We didn’t even talk about, details. We experienced something yesterday where it was like I’m in a place today where I’m able to understand that just because it was a rupture, it doesn’t mean that person is turning their back on me and something huge is going to happen. I was able to sit and receive and take on my part and be able to hold part for you as well. And to just, and to know that there’s room for repair here and the repairs, and I feel like that repair was so it was natural. I don’t know if you experienced the same thing, but it felt.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, definitely.
Ozzie Osborne: It felt healthy for me, whereas before it would just be, I would want to be defensive, or I would want to, I would feel like, Oh, she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore or, cause it does this, the rupture and repair is not only in romantic situations, it’s in all relationships. And when we don’t master it in all our relationships, and we bring it into the romantic relationship, it does not help hilarity. It does not.
Dr. Tari: Oh, my gosh. No. And it’s such a good example because I think you and I have both done our own work and, bringing something up with, years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. And if I did, I wouldn’t expect a good outcome, and then I’d be nervous and scared about the damage I had caused. But now I understand just like you do, I’m sure that, if you’re feeling something, you have to express it and you own it, you don’t blame, you don’t accuse, but you bring it into the relationship. So the other person understands there’s something going on for you. And the two of you can look at it together, and you’re right. It’s coming from your adult self because I’ve healed certain parts of myself that I needed to, not that all the parts are healed, but that one is,
Ozzie Osborne: That’s why I think there’s some development work in any capacity, so important because it does create a sense of you creating your own container for yourself. You having, coping mechanisms that are supporting you. If you can’t with, conflict, then you can’t grow in a relationship.
Dr. Tari: It’s like you really can’t, relationship. If you’re looking for the other person to make it better, it’s their fault. They cause things, you don’t have any power to make it better or self-soothe, or you don’t have any responsibility. Yeah. You’re gonna get stuck.
Ozzie Osborne: I was just gonna say for anyone that’s wondering how do you experience rupture and repair? The invitation is to do it in other relationships in your life. And notice when there’s conflict and notice, notice you having an opening for the repair and trust that the repair is coming. And if not, then you can make a decision from your adult. Why self? To either continue the relationship and the friendship or to not the opposite of that. You have a choice.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, and I think it’s really just about showing up and being, two things kind and honest. Just sharing your truth in a kind and honest way. And then let go of what happens next.
Ozzie Osborne: That’s not always fun. I would imagine even you sharing it with me didn’t feel because I sense there was a little bit of shakiness, so I would imagine for you. And even when I heard your words, the little girl in me wanted to cry. That little girl in me wanted to hide.
And that’s how I felt that little girl in me thought she did something wrong. I have a self-awareness, and when I noticed it in me, I just gave her a hug, and I just created that tight container and said, you don’t need to handle this. I got this, and then I stepped into my adult self and was able to receive your experience, which didn’t mean that if everybody’s experienced in it and your experience of that situation. And I was able to take it on, and I was able to say, okay, I could see how you might’ve felt that way, and I could see how I would have showed up that way. And I could also see where I can improve. And thank you for that, because it gave me a pause. It was a beautiful interruption for me to look into something and see where I could find balance in the way that I show up. And yeah, it was beautiful.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, it was. And I think, as we work on ourselves, we encounter more people that are doing the same kind of work, and we attract those kinds of people into our lives. And it’s really cool; not everybody would have had the response that you had, and that would have been okay. But I kinda knew that you were a safe person to do that with,
Ozzie Osborne: By the way, we’ve only known each other for three weeks.
Dr. Tari: Yes. Like my daughter said, actually, do you think you knew Ozzy in another lifetime? I’m like, Oh yeah, definitely.
Ozzie Osborne: Definitely.
Dr. Tari: So, moving on to the third area. Your passion and expertise that I find really interesting is you love to talk about dating culture today.
Ozzie Osborne: Hmm.
Dr. Tari: So talk to us about that.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. Dating culture is like the Amazon culture, right? It’s an instant gratification swipe, right? Swipe left not a lot of thought into it; it’s very mindless, it’s hitting that pleasure zone, the dopamine effect, and it’s just very mindless. And so, I’m really passionate about supporting people and creating a culture where they’re mindfully and intentionally putting themselves out there.
Because it’s really easy to fall into so much of the noise that’s online dating or even dating in general, I think it’s really important for us, to intentionally, get online and the way that you do it is you create a space, even in your home and a time that you’re doing it. So now you’re being the masculine, you’re creating a masculine container that you can flow within it, and be really beautifully open and creative. So as you’re about to get online. So I would say 20 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes to jump on the online dating apps; before that, create a space for yourself.
Create romance like candles, maybe put something, wear something sexy on, play music, and kind of get in the mood. And when you’re getting in the mood, now you’re bringing that energy onto, the, online dating, which is again, very noisy, very much confusing and then go on there and have fun, enjoy it because a lot of people go online dating with a lot of baggage, with a lot of bad energy, with a lot of stories of ah, God, all guys are this, or all women are this. And so going into it and finding joy in it, not making it be a burden or a hassle or something you have to do, but something you enjoyed doing. And even so
Dr. Tari: Yeah, something you get to do.
Ozzie Osborne: Something you get to do get to as opposed to have to. And the other part of dating that I find is clarity. That’s one thing that a lot of us are missing is the clarity of what it is that you want to attract. And what I mean by that is not just, Oh, they have to be six feet, and they have to have blue eyes and dark hair, but more about the clarity about what you want to feel and in a relationship, what are your values? If you don’t know your values, figure them out. What’s important to you? What do you care about? Non-negotiables and be really firm in that?
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I always tell, especially the women I work with, I tell them, you have to add these things to your list, like consistency, honesty, somebody who is ready for what you’re ready for these very basic traits and characteristics that everybody leaves off their list, which are the most important things, that need to be on there. So yeah. It’s if you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’re not going to find it. Or you’re going to end up wasting a lot of your time.
Ozzie Osborne: Yeah. And I think the other thing is that people are seeking it or looking for it or hoping for it, which all really invites an energy that’s coming from desperation rather than inspiration. So I always say, get inspired and really connect with what it’s like to be in a relationship. And when you’re talking about this relationship, talk about it as if it’s already here, do the things you would normally do in a relationship right in this moment.
Think yourself out on the date. Go. I actually, before COVID I took myself on a trip, and I went to Santa Barbara, and I had the best time. I got in the car and took the train to Santa Barbara. I rented a car for myself, and I put on Ed Sheeran, and whatever music came to me, and I just belted it out, and I just felt so beautiful, I felt sexy, I felt aligned, alive, I felt joyful, and I got into the mode of how I wanted to feel in the relationship. And I drove, I found this really beautiful hotel, and I had dinner by myself. Things that I was scared of doing before. But I really invited that energy of not only caring for myself but also the energy that I am always hoping or was hoping for, and I have hoping in quotations that I would have an in my mind, I thought I could only have that feeling.
Dr. Tari: Yes.
Ozzie Osborne: When the man comes, when I have that relationship. When, when, so conditional. So I decided to take it into my own hands, and I decided to create it for myself and now.
Dr. Tari: I love that so much. And it’s obvious why we’re friends because I talk about the same exact thing. You can feel that now; you can live in that energy now, right? You don’t wait for an outcome to feel something. You create that feeling now. And then, it’s sort of like the juices in the journey. It’s not in the destination because once you get to the destination, that what, yeah. And when we’re in that feeling of joy and inspiration, our vibration is higher. We attract more of that into our lives. More people, more opportunities, doors open. It’s so incredible. And I love it. I love that you took yourself on a trip, so cool.
Ozzie Osborne: One of the, what I always say, the purpose of the feminine is to transmute love in the world. And the only way we can transmute love is being loved. And the way to be loved is to really surround yourself with love. Wake up to love, go to bed to love. And I find that even when we were talking, we talk, about Clubhouse a lot, that’s how we met. And my intention to be in Clubhouse was to find my community, and I found it. It was so quick. And I’m having; I’m literally having a lot of feelings I probably would have in a relationship where there’s excitement, there is newness, there is planning, there’s being creative. There’s so many things that are activated. And so, I encourage everyone to not only get stuck in the idea that your partner only exists online, dating, or only exists if someone introduces you—that by you activating the feeling of that, of which you want to feel in a relationship. So for me, joy and fun is so important for me.
And this is why you see so many parts of me. You’re like, wait, you’re loving, but you’re also funny, and you’re also flirting, and you’re also this there’s so many layers and all about, for me and my relationships. And so, to be able to express that with people that I just met is me being in a relationship; it is me being in love. And it’s just so great because again, I’m now vibrating, enough frequency. And so I know that he’s not going to attract that partner to come in because it’s an invitation.
Dr. Tari: Totally. Oh my God. It’s so true. I love that we’re ending on this note because I think it’s a message people need to hear, stop searching, that searching that desperation, that seeking comes from fear. We want to flip it to love, which is just so pure and alive and open and joyful. And so I love this idea to just be more loving today, go out in the world today and be loved, give love,
Ozzie Osborne: Gandhi said, be the change you want to see in the world. I say, be the love you want to see in the world.
Dr. Tari: I’d love that. Yeah. Thank you so much for this conversation, and Ozzie, if people want to hire you as their coach, if they want to find out more about you, where can they find you?
Ozzie Osborne: So you can find me on Instagram. I take people who are ready to, even if you’re scared, you’re ready, and you’re wanting to do in any way and really experiencing what love really is. So Instagram I it’s at, I am Ozzy Osborne all my information is there. So I think it’s the best way to reach me.
Dr. Tari: Awesome. Thank you for all the love you put in the world and all the love you give to me. I appreciate you.
Ozzie Osborne: I appreciate you.
Dr. Tari: Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari, reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you.