Transformation Tools from Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra and Traci Porterfield To Change Your Life and Relationships

Traci Porterfield is a massive connector and she brings you the Do and the Woo because she was a VP for Tony Robbins (4.5 years) and on the Exec team for Deepak Chopra (8.5 years). She owns a personalized matchmaking company (Love by Design) and an HR recruiting firm (Recruit by Design) in LA.

Find Traci online!

💖 Traci Porterfield | LinkedIn

Find Dr. Tari online!

Episode Transcript

Transformation Tools from Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra and Traci Porterfield To Change Your Life and Relationships

Welcome to Dear Dater, the PodCast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack, and I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles. And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create and access the love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it; when we change, our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.

Dr. Tari: I’m really excited today to welcome my soul sister, Traci Porterfield, to our episode. Traci is a massive connector. She brings the do and the woo because she was a VP for Tony Robbins for four and a half years and on the executive team for Deepak Chopra for eight and a half years. Traci owns a personalized matchmaking company called loved by design and an HR recruiting firm called recruit by design. I’m so excited to have you here, Traci.

Traci Porterfield: Thank you, Tari. Thanks for having me. I’m so excited to be on here and talk with you and your audience.

Dr. Tari: You have so much to share, honestly, your experience, your life experience, and your experience with Tony Robbins and Deepak. I just feel like I want to cram in as much as we can today.

Traci Porterfield: Yeah, if I always have lots of things to talk about.

Dr. Tari: Yes, you do. Before we get to that, let’s talk a little bit about your own journey, your own story that got you to where you are today in this space of dating relationships love. Tell us a little bit about that.

Traci Porterfield: Absolutely. My background in HR. My degree is in psychology. I love understanding what makes people tick. And as I climbed the corporate ladder in corporate America, up to a VP with Tony Robbins, it was recruiting. It was matching. It was meeting people’s understanding, what made people take.

It was understanding, conflict resolution, and when I was working for Tony Robbins, I was married, and I actually went through a divorce while I was there. And that was a tricky time because if you don’t know what’s on the other side, I was worried about being a single mom. My son was three at the time; I was worried about having a big mortgage, and you just.
You’re looking at fear, and you’re going; I don’t know what’s next, and you have to move forward. Anyway, luckily being in the environment with the Tony Robbins people, where they have the belief of, anything is possible, make it happen, create the life you want. I was able to step into that space and navigate it and get lots of tools along the way.

And as I was. Out now, single back in the dating world, again, after being married for eight and a half years, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was an extrovert, and I was a recruiter. So I thought I’ll just go get a boyfriend. And it did not happen that way. I did every online dating site. There was you, a name that I did it; I’m of the mindset that if you try something and that doesn’t work, you do something else and you do something else, and you do something else, and you keep changing until you find what works for you. And I actually got to the point where I went to a dating agency, and I had gone to a couple of, to explore the options because I had money.

I just didn’t have time. And I wanted to find my forever person, and I would leave there and go, oh, I could do it better than that. I could do it better than that. That said, I did join one of them. I gave them thousands of dollars, and it was a terrible experience from the perspective of, I got no results.

I got two matches that were not a match. And I just decided to go out and start my own business based on what I wanted as a single person. What, and I, what I was not getting and really caring about my clients and helping them personally be their best self, understand their best self, make good matches, introduce good people.

And it really was a win-win. Before I decided to do that. I met with one of my girlfriends, who was a casting director in LA. And I asked her if she knew Patty Stanger because I was thinking, Oh, familiar matchmaker. So they can maybe all approach her and see if she wants to open a branch.

And she said, no, just do it on your own. And then again, it’s another one of those times that you’re like, I don’t know how to do that. I’m a corporate America girl, the right conversations along the way, the right people encouraging you. Whereas, had I had a conversation that day with someone said oh no, you don’t know how to do that.

Just go back and get another job somewhere else. You’re influenced by the people that are around you. So be super careful who you’re having those conversations with; that said, I started my matchmaking company with the mindset of, if it doesn’t work out, I can always go back to corporate America. And that was over 12 years ago, and I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve shared a lot, and it’s a perfect fit for me. You just have to be. I’m willing to step into that space of, I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I’m going to do it anyway because I have a passion for it, and I can figure it out.

Dr. Tari: Yes. Oh my gosh. Right before this interview, I was actually having a client call, and we were talking about this very thing, right? Like you don’t know what’s next. You just know you’re done with where you’re at. And you have to trust, right? Just take the next steps.

Traci Porterfield: And you really, it’s really important who you have around you because you want to surround yourself with people that encourage you with those believers that say, you can do this and don’t criticize, and that makes or breaks the decision you make a lot of times. And also, I tell people, be the encourager there’s enough critics in the world already be the encourager of other people, whether it’s in life or dating or love or jobs or whatever, take inventory of how you’re showing up and the kind of people around you, how are they showing up? But they making, your life harder or easier. It’s a great question to ask yourself.

Dr. Tari: I love that. I just love that. And actually, you sent me a whole list, right? Of things, you learned from Tony Robbins, for all the things you learned from Deepak Chopra’s world and then your own stuff, and so I would, I was just, shopping like a kid in a candy store. What am I going to talk about? So you actually just started to touch on one, which is empowering questions, empowering language. Can you say more about that?

Traci Porterfield: Absolutely. The power of your vocabulary. Always I tell people to check their ID, your internal dialogue. What is that? And to stay present without being hung up on what’s going to happen next is super important. Anyone who knows me knows that a lot of what I’ve learned comes from Tony Robinson. This particular section is one of my favorites. The English language contains somewhere between 500,700 50,000 words is the average person’s vocabulary though it consists of about 2000, only 0.5% of the entire language.

Then when you narrow that down even more so, the number of words we use most often are habitual about vocabulary is about two to 300 words. I feel like that’s so incredible. But what’s more important, I think, is, of those words that we have 300,000 describe emotions. I’m all about emotions. Two-thirds of those describe negative emotions, and one-third describe positive emotions.

So you have less positive words to choose from the negative words. I just think that’s fascinating when you notice it. What words are you choosing? And you can choose to use a different word if you’re, a lot of people say, Oh, I’m angry, I’m enraged. I’m, whatever word that they feel.

If you can take a word and Tony Robbins, when he was doing this, he changed it to peeve, I’m peeved. My son used to laugh at it all the time when I used it. Like you now have created your own reality because of the words that you choose, so I think that changing your words, noticing your words, pay attention? What is it like? What is your language?

And when you have those negative words that pop in, lower those, like I said, don’t say angry, say on peeve, and the positive Tony was a cool rave for this. Like he’s passionate about everything. It’s about how you can take a word instead of just saying you’re happy. You’re passionate. Up the positive, decrease the negative in just the word choices.

So when let’s say, how are you doing today? Oh, I’m good. I’m fine. I’m, you know, whatever word people choose. How does it sound if you choose? I’m amazing. Now people might think that you’re wacky. But you actually feel better when you amplify those words. So I tell people just choose your words. Notice your words. I’ve done an exercise before where we have people write them down, but take a month, take a week. I don’t care. However long you do it and change your words. Add some words. And what I also think is interesting is when groups of people get together, they start adopting the same vocabulary, and you create like this little tribe. And if your vocabulary is similar or you start adopting each other, you’re bonding, and you all know, put a certain word to a meaning. It gets intensified in it. It makes everybody come together even more.

Dr. Tari: Oh, God, I love all of that. I love all of that. I’m going to start doing that because you’re so right.

Traci Porterfield: Let’s come up with some fun words. I think it’s really important to do that. I mentioned to you that one of the things that Tony said when people started working there, we gave them a list of acronyms because we lived the whole culture of acronyms, and one of them was can I, and that was, stood for constant and never-ending improvement.

And that was a mindset. It was a word. It was a way of being; we would start off every meeting with what’s great is? That one little habit came out throughout my life. Like I just started doing it all the time. Tell me what’s great, what’s great. Is, and you would start the meeting with what’s great, is, even if you were mad at the people in the room, you can learn what’s great, and you are training your brain. And when you adopt a connive mentality where there’s always a way to improve. There’s always another level and not in a stress, way, but so many people go through life on autopilot. And when you can say, okay, each time I do something, Okay, that was great.

How can I do it even better? How can I show up better constantly, never-ending improvement when that becomes your way of life, and you look for what’s great. You will find it. If you’re looking for what’s wrong, you will find that.

Dr. Tari: Yes, so true. Whatever you’re looking for, you’ll find,

Traci Porterfield: Correct.

Dr. Tari: Oh, I love that.

Traci Porterfield: So, it’s fun to come up with some words, and we have a couple people; we should do it in our Clubhouse rooms and pick a couple of words that we start adopting and see how it makes a difference throughout the little culture that you’re building and how you feel. It makes a difference.

Dr. Tari: You should. Yeah. Like you and I talk almost every day,

Traci Porterfield: Yeah.

Dr. Tari: We can start using these words.

Traci Porterfield: Yeah, empowering language is really important. And when you realize, like we use such a small amount of words in the whole language, let’s take a few and abdomen.

Dr. Tari: Yeah, and by the way, that is crazy. That we usually only use between two and 300 words like habitually. Wow. How small, like how small we’re playing.

Traci Porterfield: I know. Let’s start thinking of some crazy new words and using them.

Dr. Tari: We’ll do it. So what, so the first piece of that was that you had written down was empowering questions. Is that what you’re talking about? What’s good? Tell me what’s.

Traci Porterfield: Empowering questions. Yeah. What are you asking yourself when it comes to dating? Specifically, since that’s what I do and what you do, it really, the questions that you ask yourself when you come back, I tell people, when you come back from a date, I want to know three things from you. What was great about the date?

Cause there’s always something great about it. And hopefully, it’s the person. If it’s not the person, then, did you like, look great in your outfit? Did you learn something new? You always learn something new. So asking yourself, what did I learn from this person? And what did I learn about myself? Because. That dating is such a journey of self-exploration.

And those questions that you ask yourself is, the path that you go down. So if you’re, if you go on a date and not looking for, is this my significant other, is this my future spouse? And you just made a new friend, but you asked yourself what was great? What was great about this day? Come back. What was great?

What did I learn about myself? And what did I learn from them? You start instead of coming back; that wasn’t my person. That sucked, again, back to the words that you’re choosing and the attitude that you’re adopting, ask yourself some quality questions, and watch your life improve.

Dr. Tari: Yes. Oh, God. I love that so much.

Traci Porterfield: You learned; you learn so much about yourself. I think that when people would just realize that or embrace, I should say that every time you go, you get a little more clear about who you are and what works for you.

Dr. Tari: Yes.

Traci Porterfield: So I think that’s an important part.

Dr. Tari: Yeah.

Traci Porterfield: I think your emotions are also a part of it. I, there, it’s all tied together, but because your language creates your emotions, right? You’re identifying something in, you’re putting a label to it, but your emotions are; your emotions are your actual action signals. They tell you what to do. They can make you sick. They can keep you healthy. They can have you get married; they can have you get divorced. They can change your entire life. And I think we have to look at how we deal with our emotions. That’s an important part of happiness and our journey and living our best lives.

Dr. Tari: I would recommend to people to deal with them?

Traci Porterfield: What I see, and I’m sure you see this as well. There’s a lot of people that just reject their emotions because they don’t want to be hurt. There’s the fear of rejection is real there’s people that like endurance like they just, but they try to dissociate it. They try to dissociate from it.

And the more you dissociate from it; it’s like the louder it gets. And then there’s the people that are, like, competitive with it. Oh, my life is worse than yours ,kind of thing. And then there’s the best place that I think that we can all come from is to learn from them and utilize them. And you choose love because you allow yourself to choose love.

So like the, like for example a man opening the door for a woman. Do you feel demeaned? Some people do; he’s trying to dominate me, or do you feel like he was doing it out of respect and love and caring? It’s like the interpretation of our experience? And yeah. Coming from Tony Robbins empowerment, make sure your emotions empower you, not disempower you.

So you want your emotions to serve you and move you forward, even the negative ones. So you want to analyze the difference between emotions. There’s a lot of people that hope that things work out. I hope that things will work out. Do you see it working out? I don’t know. Like how does that feel when you’re hoping something works out versus, and as he did this to me today, She said, Oh yeah, that’s going to happen.

Like you expect to happen. Yeah. I expected it to happen. And that in your body feels differently. Like it’s, again, the more intensity you have when it’s in your body. One time. I was at a baseball opening day, for baseball, for the younger kids when my son was little, and there was a raffle going on, and I gave him $5 to pick five things to put in.

And he wanted the big beach basket with the cooler and the Frisbees and all the things like that. And he’s Yeah, I’m going to win that one. I’m going to win that one. And it was so hilarious to watch. It was probably like 10, and then they called it out—tons of people. There were probably a thousand people there and Cade Porterfield, and he’s yeah, he just looked at me like, yeah.

And he went up to get his stuff. And I don’t know if that’s a manifestation or if it’s expecting or what, but there’s. A whole lot of energy. That’s put around a different level of energy and intentions and emotions behind expecting something to work out.

Dr. Tari: Yes, let’s hop over there because energy is in the Deepak world.

Traci Porterfield: Yes. Yes. What are these, everything? I love, love, love talking about this. I guess the simplest way to describe it and its power is, I mean, everything’s energy. We know this, everything is energy, including us everything is vibrating. And our personal vibration is a direct reflection of our inner thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs, our word choices, how well we take care of ourselves, how will we take care of others? That is, in my opinion, energy. What do you think?

Dr. Tari: Yeah, that totally.

Traci Porterfield: When you walk in a room, and you feel like something’s off, like you’ve, somebody has been fighting, nobody said a word or a lot of times in the dating space, What was, you’re like super nervous when you’re going in to meet someone.

But that person I always tell the women to do this is go with a big smile and a hug and make them feel comfortable. Like you have the power to do that. That’s like controlling your energy, and you can put them at ease that is controlling your energy.

Dr. Tari: I think our energy is so important, and you’re right. We can choose. We get to change what energetic state we’re in, based on what we’re feeding ourselves, our thoughts, our words, what we listen to, what we take in through all of our five senses.

Traci Porterfield: Absolutely. And also I think the other part of this, like when you’re with someone from your family or friends and they’re sad, But you don’t know their side. How do you know they’re sad? It’s that, is the energy and what you give off attracts or repels people in your life. It’s, that’s, really important.
It’s a power people may not even know they have. I hope they do. But when you have awareness of your energy, you have empowerment. So that’s like both Tony and Deepak. It’s like that energy; your own energy is your empowerment. One time I saw I read somewhere that said your smile is your own personal sun. And I loved that. I just thought like that, is, you see someone with a big smile. You say they have good energy, right?

Dr. Tari: Totally.

Traci Porterfield: So.

Dr. Tari: And there are certain people that, just, you feel pulled toward. Like it’s just an energetic connection and also like in, in life, but also in dating. Yes. Like sometimes you meet someone, and their energy is just so low,

Traci Porterfield: Yeah,

Dr. Tari: Right?

Traci Porterfield: It is. And if you want to meet someone, if you want to meet the love of your life, but your inner emotions are anger or bitterness or resentment or jealousy or whatever you’ve had going on in the past, that is not going to serve you. You’re like attracts like. You will attract the energy and better right back, and you will attract the wrong person when you are in that space. So I think like checking yourself, we are our reality. We are always creating that. We are always creating that. So we may as well, create, consciously, create what we want. So are you operating out of love, or are you operating out of fear? I think that’s, whole another, one.

Dr. Tari: Yes. I think a lot of people, when they hear that, when we talk about okay, you’re you have the power to control your energetic state. And then they’re like, Oh my God, I don’t want to be in that energy. How do I change it? And one of the things I know that you are very passionate about is the power of meditation.

Traci Porterfield: Oh, my gosh. Yes. Yes,

Dr. Tari: So talk to us about that.

Traci Porterfield: I love meditation. And I also like another time I would love to talk about your vibes and, has, with all that around because I think that’s really important too.

Dr. Tari: Talk about that first.

Traci Porterfield: Cause I won’t be able to walk away and check their vibes. Like your high vibration is like love and forgiveness and compassion and peace and the higher your vibration though, the more light you hold. And the faster, your light particles vibrate and your, the higher your consciousness and the stronger you are connected to your soul. Now, I think this goes directly into meditation, which I never meditated before, I got to Deepak. I didn’t really even know what it was. I was like, are you kidding me? I can’t, like, sit still for that long. And I was a dealer. They’ll go all the time. I got something to do, pop pop pop pop. And I tell people now that I was operating as a crazy person, but I didn’t even know I was a crazy person. That’s just the way I operated, and when I got to Deepak and that whole world, and I learned meditation. It all came like it just came full circle that we need both. And when, in talking about meditation, we have an estimated 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. And unfortunately, a lot of those are the same as we had yesterday.

And then we had last week, and we have, last year we got in repetitive thought loops. We just do. And so meditation is so many things, but like present moment awareness and there’s so many, health there’s so many health benefits to it. And one of my favorites, it increases the production of the anti-aging hormones DAGA. They feel very connected because it’s anti-aging hormones. But, it decreases your blood pressure. It lowers your cholesterol. It reduces the stress hormones that come into your body. And, but I remember the very first time I went in. I was taking a program called perfect health. And they said we’re going to meditate for 45 minutes. And I’m like, are you freaking kidding me?

Like no way. And that I was like, okay. And, but they fully set the stage. You’re just going to try, you’re just going to try, and you’re just going to get better, and they’re going to give you tools, and I, you notice all the thoughts that come in and out, right? Like you’re sitting there, and you’re, we got a mantra, which I’m a fan of, the mantra is to help you focus, and the thoughts come in, and you push them out.

Thoughts come, you push them out. There’s so much with meditation that can help. And I think we’re a world that has so much chronic and unmanaged stress. I think I feel like more people go through life stress than not stressed, and it can make us sick. It can accelerate aging. It’s just all those things.

But when you can meditate to get to that place. That you still have the same amount of thoughts at 60 to 80,000 thoughts. But you have more space in between the thoughts, and you respond to things instead of react. And I know times that I have stopped meditating, and I got out of the habit of it, and then I feel myself getting stressed again, I’m very reactionary and unpick, and I like, I will come back quickly, and I’m like, okay, stop and go meditate and give yourself some more space.

And also, when you’re in that space, you can be more creative. You can come up with; you can have problems that you have, you can solve problems when you’re in that space because you have more space. And that rest, that space where you can rest is. It triggers the brain to release neurotransmitters. I am so interested in the brain stuff. It’s crazy. My son and I just did brain scans last weekend. I’m excited to hear the results. It triggers the brain to release those neurotransmitters. You get dopamine; you get serotonin, you get oxytocin, you get endorphins, all those things that are related to happiness. So each one does something different. The organs, people, most people know the endorphins like the runners high, and the oxytocin is the pleasure hormone. Most people know that serotonin is the calming effect where we calm down, and dopamine is where we experience pleasure. We maintain focus; we feel rewarded. Those things all come when you can meditate. So it’s not easy, I think. Do you meditate, Tari?

Dr. Tari: I do. Yes. Meditation changed my freaking life. That was, yeah. I had my own spiritual, accidental, spiritual awakening around 2008, and yeah, I was meditating all the time, and it was insane. Yeah. It completely, I think, can change your life.

Traci Porterfield: What happened for you?

Dr. Tari: Oh God. So many things. I remember during that time, and I’ve talked about this on one of the episodes like I’d be walking to my bus cause I lived downtown Chicago at the time. I’d be, I had my headphones in, I’d be walking to the bus and just feeling at one with everyone and everything. Like I was actually hugging trees at that time. Just like pure bliss, pure joy. And I had never acted. I experienced that before. And then, like at the same time, I was, like, learning how to love myself, my eating disorder completely disappeared that I’d been trying to solve in therapy for years. My dating and relationship patterns changed. It shifted everything. So it is such an amazing tool. And I was the same as you. I was not in touch with my inner world at all. I couldn’t sit still.

Traci Porterfield: Yeah, it’s. I think most people do go through life like that. We’re busy. And we’re busy, and we don’t take that time. I didn’t have any kind of spiritual awakening like that. But boy, was I able to manage my emotions and have it in my toolbox and just learn how to do it. I think one of the things that when we meditate on a regular basis is you get what’s called witnessing awareness and where you can observe a situation when you can notice when you’re being triggered and, Oh, okay. That’s triggering me. And you’re not like responding, what that trigger? You’re like, okay, I’m going to consciously choose how I want to respond. So being present and aware will help you be so much better in every relationship. It’s not just, in dating, it’s with your kids, It’s with your family. I think we’re all triggered by our families at times, or your friends or work coworkers. It happens. But when you have more space from meditating, you can respond, and I think it just makes all relationships better.

Dr. Tari: Oh, yeah. And that is totally in our control,

Traci Porterfield: It’s in our control. Absolutely our control. And I don’t, I think that. People should just try it. Guided meditations, I think, are beautiful the Chopra Center does; they used to do one every quarter. I don’t know if they still do where it was a free 21-day challenge, and you just listen. It’s like a message of the day, and it’s a good introduction to get to that place.
And I think if your listeners are dating and it’s frustrating, which most of the time it is, we don’t just start dating, and then our person shows up. You have to get a lot of lessons along the way. And so, having some tools in your toolbox to manage your psychology and manage your mindset, meditation is a beautiful one to add in there. Because you do need to show up as your best self. You need to feel like your best self. So you notice where you are vibrating if you want to attract, in, the highest level of person.

Dr. Tari: I totally agree. And yeah, that’s what I started with guided meditation. And I think that’s an easy, easier place to start than just sitting in silence. I think that scares a lot of people. So just put your headphones in and just listen to someone, talking to you, close your eyes and try to focus on, you know what they’re saying?

Traci Porterfield: Yes.

Dr. Tari: That’s a good place to start.

Traci Porterfield: Yeah, for sure. For

Dr. Tari: Yeah. Something else I wanted to ask you about magic moments.

Traci Porterfield: Oh yes.

Dr. Tari: Tell me about that.

Traci Porterfield: Magic moments. I love that so much. It’s just another tool I got from working with Tony Robbins, and they didn’t regularly, and it’s the simplest thing, But it’s a habit. It’s a habit that you build. And after every, like we would do it after retreats, but you can do it at any time that I tell people once a week do, a, magic moments, do a recap of the week where you’re celebrating. The small things that happened over the week. Let’s just say the week if you wanted to do it weekly. And what were the small things that happened that made you laugh when you start looking for those things? I remember one time in particular we were, we would go to Tony’s house whenever we were doing our executive team retreats, and when we were all on the flight, there were eight of us on the executive team. And when we were on the flight, one of the guys said, Oh, I almost forgot my ear muffins. And he meant ear muff, and we all started laughing, and he started laughing. And then at the end of the week, we, they. Make the time okay; let’s do our magic moments.

And I said, remember, when and he’s name was Gary, remember when Gary almost forgot that as ear muffins? And then everybody started laughing again. And it was like you get to relive these small little silly things. Like how many years ago was that? And I still remember that right now, is that you get to create a bond. You get to have an appreciation for the small things in life. It’s not. Oh my gosh, I won the lottery that day. It’s the small things in life that you appreciate, and that are magical to you. And the magic can be in the small things. And all of that goes together. It goes with your vibrations. It goes for attracting the right things into your life. It really is appreciating those things.

Dr.Tari: Yeah.

Traci Porterfield: The magic moments can be little; they should be little moments, but making the time to consciously talk about them together and relive them. You get to bring those emotions and energies and experiences back again. And you bond and you again, put your energy, keep your energy high. It’s special, yeah.

Dr. Tari: Yeah, oh my gosh. I love that. And it makes me think, so there was a point in my life where I worked at a university counseling center. And I met, my, one of my best friends, Steve, there, and at some point, I started making a list of all the hilarious things that happened with us, and damn it, I lost the list, but we would go back to that list. I don’t know, every six months to a year, and just laugh again at all these hilarious things. And now I forgot, most of all of it’s so sad.

Traci Porterfield: I think that’s an important example, cause you’re laughing at it together, and laughter’s such a high vibration. I have kept my whole life, a mommy journal for my son. And I just wrote down silly little things in there that I have terrible memories of, so I’m glad that I did it. And then every, we would do it on his birthday and mother’s day, and we would go out to breakfast, and we would take the book alone and read from it all the little silly things that were magic moments in there, and we laugh, and it’s such a bonding experience, and you get to go I dunno, it’s choosing joy, right? It’s choosing joy in the little things it’s, you’re contributing to your own happiness. And it doesn’t have to be big things. It can be little things. It can be a little, the funny stories are the best, even if you just wrote them in Google docs for that matter, it doesn’t have to be anything big, but choosing to find the joy and happiness in the little things, and then choosing to discuss them again.

Dr. Tari: Yeah. I love that because most of life is the little things; I think so often we wait for the big thing. We set a goal, and it’s okay; that’s what I’m going to appreciate. But most of our lives, we have to be present every single day is, a gift. And it’s those small things that we need to learn how to appreciate.

Traci Porterfield: Maybe Steve kept the list. You can find it.

Dr. Tari: Oh God, he did not keep the list.

Traci Porterfield: And we can start doing it from our Clubhouse rooms. It’s just like any, anything that you it’s, a choice really is. And along the same lines, I think that for anybody in your audience, that’s listening, that’s dating, or if they’re in a relationship or if they’re just collecting tools on how to be successful in a relationship next, the weekly get-togethers to discuss magic moments or a Tony Robbins we used to call them celebrations and aberrations. What are we celebrating this week? And celebrations can be little, just like the magic moments. And the aberrations are what could we have done differently? What did you need from me? How did I show up this week? And how can I show up better? And then when you have those expectations, when you have those times set, when you have these practices in place, it helps you succeed in dating.

It helps you succeed in relationships. Even if it’s with your kids, it’s like a once-a-week recap on how the week went, and I’m also a fan of the highs and lows of each day, but setting a weekly time to, to communicate the week so you can get out there. That’s the best way learning how to communicate in all things is so important.

Dr. Tari: Oh, my gosh, we can do, I feel like you, and I could do several more episodes, so I will definitely be having you back so much to talk about. Um, Oh, conversation is so good. I want to end with something that was on your own list. So something that comes from you, not that all this other stuff doesn’t come from you, of course, it’s coming through you and your language and your way, but you had written that struggle and criticism are prerequisites to greatness.

Traci Porterfield: This. I just believe that. And I think when we can embrace that, like it’s not ever going to be perfect. It’s not ever going to be the way that we want it to exactly be, it’s going to be the way it’s supposed to be. And when you can take those pieces that you struggled, the Lord knows I’ve had a ton of them myself, and I’ve seen so, so many people go through them, and those struggles are what make you that those struggle struggles are what shape you and to not feel down on yourself or frustrated with the world because you’ve, you have these pieces because we all have them and we will have them for our entire life. We never get there whenever we get there, when we can find a person and be in love. But then now you shifted to a different, a different set of challenges, a different set of things that you’re going to work on, a different set of things that you need tools for. But if you want to really be great, those struggles come with it; they come with it. It’s part of it. And then you can, the faster you can embrace that then, again it’s your mindset, right? It’s your mindset. That’s just part of the process.

Dr. Tari: Yeah, learning how to roll with it. You’re going to get those struggles, those obstacles, those growth opportunities, which usually suck. You gotta just roll with it.

Traci Porterfield: You do, and all well, we all have them. We all have them. And some people talk about them a lot, and some people don’t talk about them at all, but I promise you, they have them as well. To reach out and be there for each other. And when you have big struggles, and you also can be there for others, you can be your example. One of the beautiful things I think about in Clubhouses, that we’re all sharing, we’re sharing our struggles, we’re sharing our tools, we’re sharing our we’re sharing our journeys in hopes that it helps others. And then you don’t feel like you’re alone. You feel like, Oh, okay.

They get it. They get me. Or, Oh, I’ve never tried that. Or I’ve never thought of it that way. And You don’t feel alone that there’s so much power in the collective and that we all can learn from each other. I learned something from you every time you speak; I speak and learn and hear from the other people in the room. It’s a beautiful blend of life together.

Dr. Tari: It is. Yeah, I learned so much from every single interview I do on this podcast. And I think every single interview, the person I’m interviewing shares their story and their journey. And it’s never a straight line. It’s never easy.

Traci Porterfield: It’s not in so many ways. We all have our ups and downs, and sometimes I think that people that look like they have it all together, don’t have it all together. So you just never know. But change makes it better.

Dr. Tari: Yeah. And so every heartbreak that we’ve been through, every I to even say failed relationship, every relationship that has not worked out. It was happening for us. You can shift it to look at it that way. Life gets a whole lot easier and a lot more fun.

Traci Porterfield: And to really embrace that and to really believe it, I’m a big fan of mantras and what you, I have opened my house. You’ll be at my house Tari; you’ll see everywhere my entire house, every room has something powerful, some powerful sayings up. And I think that. Whether we realize it or not, it’s what’s going into our brains. And then that’s how we show up. And that controlling, what we put in our brains is as what, how we show up in the world. It’s all a choice.

Dr. Tari: I totally agree. We were supposed to meet. I can’t wait to come and hang out with you.

Traci Porterfield: I know.

Dr. Tari: In San Diego.

Traci Porterfield: It’s going to be fun. I’m looking forward to it, and just that’s life; it’s relationships when you’re open when you say yes, the meeting people, and you go with the flow and open. I think their openness is, yes, is, love. You’re coming from a place of love, and you’re not looking for what’s wrong; you’re looking for what’s right. And when you find other people that look for what’s right, which we have in our group, find other people that look for what’s right. It’s amplified. And that’s what we want to do. We wanna amplify our emotions and our words, and our feeling of empowerment. So we can have, greater impact and reach more people.

Dr. Tari: Yes. Oh my gosh. I love you, Traci. Thank you so much for being here.

Traci Porterfield: I’m so excited, with your podcast. I just think that the dating space is tricky, and I’m so happy that you have this to bring people together with different perspectives and different tools and congratulations on your PodCast. I’m so excited to listen in.

Dr. Tari: Thank you so much. So if people wanna find you, where can we find you? Where can we learn more about you?

Traci Porterfield: My website,, and I’m on Clubhouse, and LinkedIn is my main platform.

Dr. Tari: Thank you so much, Traci.

Traci Porterfield: Thank you for having me, Tari.

Dr. Tari: Talk to you soon.


Dr. Tari: Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari, reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you.