Using NeuroLinguistic Programming To Completely Transform Your Love Life – With Coach Kody G
Coach Kody G is a Neuro Linguistic Programming Trainer helping people break free from the chains holding them back by reprogramming their minds at the subconscious level.
Dr. Tari and Coach Kody G discuss how NLP can be directly applied to your dating and relationship life and help you tap into your endless amounts of power by reprogramming your mind and changing the words you use.
Find Coach Kody G online:
NLP Trainer Kody G. (@kodyg.nlp) • Instagram photos and videos
Find Dr. Tari online:
Join Dr. Tari’s Next Level Community:
Using NeuroLinguistic Programming To Completely Transform Your Love Life - With Coach Kody G
Welcome to Dear Dater, the PodCast for people who want to change their disappointing relationship patterns and finally access the love they deserve. My name is Dr. Tari Mack, and I’m a psychologist and celebrity love coach. My journey has been one from disconnection and loneliness to love and miracles. And I want this podcast to give you the tools and awareness to help you create and access the love you want in your own life. What we yearn for is meant for us. So if you yearn for love, you’re meant to have it when we change; our relationships change. I’m so glad you’re here.
Dr. Tari: I’m really excited today to welcome Kody G to our episode. Kody is a former sales manager running a finance firm, and to helping people break free from the chains, holding them back by reprogramming their minds at the subconscious level as a neuro-linguistic programming trainer. Super excited to have you here, Kody. Welcome.
Kody: Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here.
Dr. Tari: So you are an NLP trainer, right? A neuro-linguistic programming trainer. So, tell us what that is. What is NLP?
Kody: Yeah. So if you just kind of break down neurolinguistics and programming, neuro is all about your mind, how we have subconscious beliefs that are running our life. Linguistics is the language part of it. A lot of times, people don’t realize how powerful our words really are. So in NLP, we talk a lot about how our beliefs create our thoughts, and those thoughts create our language, and that language reaffirms our reality. I always tell the story of how I used to be very, very shy growing up. And I’d go out in public, and I wouldn’t talk to, like a friend or a girl that I wanted to meet. And I would say all that’s just because I’m shy. And it would start to reaffirm that belief that I had about who I was at the identity level. So that’s the linguistic part of it. And the programming is actually using different strategies, techniques, and language patterns to reprogram someone’s belief system and create change, at the subconscious level.
Dr. Tari: This is so cool. It’s so interesting. Cause I feel like I, you know, I do a lot of this kind of work with clients. But I’m not trained in NLP. I never knew what NLP was, and I definitely don’t do NLP, but some of the things you’re talking about, like the subconscious beliefs and our words and thoughts create our reality, just resonate with me a lot. How is this? Is it related at all to the law of attraction?
Kody: Yeah. So you can definitely consider that. And for one, what NLP is doing, it’s bringing the unconscious to the conscious. So they studied a lot of what very successful people are doing, much like yourself, who you might be using different techniques or different words with your clients. And it wouldn’t bring out the best in all of these people and create strategies and techniques to use it and help implement with new people and just a very shortened way. So the fact that a lot of people will say that I feel like I’m already kind of doing this stuff and they probably are to an extent, and it’s, it’s using a lot of that and having to in a more structured fashion. And when you bring up the law of attraction. So what I think of is your thoughts create things and like the secret and stuff like that, that we’ve all heard, which is awesome. And in our brain, we have what’s called the reticular activating system. And it allows us to beam in like a laser to wherever our focus is at. And the same with NLP. What we know is that where our energy goes, our focus is going to follow it and vice versa. So when you think about it from that level, we’re always attracting what we want into our life. And I talk a lot about towards; a verse way motivated goals. When I was starting my coaching business, it was very tough. I made probably less than six grand. My first six months in business. That’s how tough I’m talking, so to give you a quick backstory, but if I said, I don’t want to be broke, or I don’t want to be overweight, I don’t want to have another bad relationship. All I’m focusing on is the bad relationship or broke or overweight because our subconscious mind doesn’t process negatively. So the same way that we are attracting that, thinking of it from like the law of attraction standpoint, it’s actually backed by science with NLP and with all the studies that are being done about it too. So it is all integrated. I see the law of attraction is something that I 100% believe in, and it’s kind of just like another way of looking at a piece of what neuro-linguistic programming is.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, I love that. It sounds like NLP, like you’re saying, is, like, concentrated, kind of, form of things that some of us may already be doing, but it’s gonna, You just gonna zero in on it and deliver.
Kody: Exactly. Yeah. A lot of people they’ll ask what is the technique I can use for this, but what we’re doing in NLP and the reason why I think it’s so interesting for coaches. Let’s say, if you were to give me a problem right now, I can give you my advice, or I can maybe ask you a few probing questions to empower you, to answer yourself. But, with NLP, we’re actually working with different layers of the mind and a lot of people that don’t understand those layers of the mind, like I might give you advice to change your behaviors or your actions, and the problem with that, is that those are all at the conscious level. I mean that you have to think about, okay, what am I doing right now? What is the action I’m going to take? But when I can go in there and change your beliefs, your identities, your values about yourself, health, money, whatever it might be. That’s when things start to shift massively, and it starts to create lasting change.
Dr. Tari: Yes. I love this, and we’re going to apply this to relationships and dating. I’m actually going to role play, for at least one kind of client that I come across a lot. And you’re going to kind of break it down for us.
Kody: Let’s do it,
Dr. Tari: And doing intervention before that.
Kody: Break it down, break it down.
Dr. Tari: But before that, I’m interested in what got you into NLP. What is your journey?
Kody: Yeah. A lot of people that don’t know who’s famous or who uses NLP, they can relate to; it’s Tony Robbins he’s one of them. I guess like motivational speakers that most people think that he is, but he’s doing so much more behind the scenes. He’s using NLP to create change. He’s not just motivating or inspiring people. So when I first heard about NLP from him, I knew that one day it’s something that I wanted to actually learn. And December 4th, 2019, I got fired from that sales manager job you are talking about. and I was trying to figure out what was my next journey. And I knew I wanted to get into some facet of coaching. So I went down the NLP path, and I just did a practitioner training, which is a seven-day course live, about 120 hours that I was doing over the course of pre-study and in class. And it was like, my mind was blown. Just because it applies to all areas of life, it applies to business relationships because it’s communication. And communication and improving and increasing your effectiveness in that area increases your chances of being effective in every other area, too. So that is what kind of got me into it. And throughout 2020, pretty much that year in 2021, a bit of this year as well, I did my master practitioner class and my trainer’s training, and then that’s how I kinda got into teaching it, which is what I’m doing now—and teaching people and certifying people in it. So, In a nutshell, it started from getting fired, but even five years before that, plus is when I heard about it from Tony Robbins. And I knew that one day it’s something I wanted to explore because it unfolded.
Dr. Tari: That’s so interesting. So many of the guests I’ve had on the show so far talk about these crises in their lives or these difficult points and how really those turn out to be their biggest gifts. Just, I love pointing that out when I hear it again, because I think a lot of people listening haven’t come to see life that way yet. And I think it’s important, you know, it’s an important lens to use.
Kody: Yeah. And I have two things in one was that, that job, there was another something that happened that caused me to think that like my life was freaking over and it was so horrible, and it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened for me, that inspired me to book a one-way ticket to Hawaii. So a lot of times in that moment, someone might be listening and thinking like, yeah, it’s easy for that person to say because they’ve been through it. And I think Steve Jobs says it perfectly; it’s a lot easier to connect the dots, looking backward than it is looking ahead. So we can’t always see it, but sometimes when we’re going through like that mud that we really don’t want to be stuck in, it’s developing us for who we need to be to help more people down the line. So I think that it’s so imperative for us just to have it in the back of our mind that it’s not easy to always think of that, but it is happening for us, never, to us.
Dr. Tari: Yes, it’s happening for us, not to us. If I hadn’t had my journey, which was really rocky in relationships and I wouldn’t be sitting here. So, you know, we share that.
Kody: Yeah. And if I wasn’t such a shy kid that couldn’t talk to anyone in the world, I would; I don’t think I would have developed a passion for public speaking communication. And even as much of the NLP as I really have now and sales, that was a big part of my life. It came because I was studying so much about psychology and how to be more confident, how to speak, and that kind of opened up that sale, that sales path for me. So I think that one decision can literally change the entire course of our life if we’re willing to actually take it.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, so true. So I was actually thinking about this today that the most difficult kinds of clients for me are the ones that don’t yet have that belief that things can be different. That change is possible. And I love it when I can just kind of see that idea and they take it, and they run with it, and we can do the work, but some people really struggle with that. They’re just stuck there, and I just find that so difficult, and it sounds like NLP could really help somebody in that situation. So, I wanted to become one of those clients for you and, and just let you do your thing and see what you might do with somebody like that.
Kody: Yeah, sure. And so, so one thing to keep in mind. I don’t know anything about relationships in that space, but I’ll do the best that I can. And two, what you’re saying is what we literally call the formula for success in NLP. So if they’re going to coin the entire industry as the formula for success, this is what I’m going to tell you right now. That’s how important it is. It’s cause and effect. So the first thing I do when I’m teaching any one of my clients is I have, and this is literally for sales, this is for anything that I teach, I haven’t drawn a big C greater side and an E I haven’t been cross off that E in circle the C because when we’re living at cause for our lives, everything that’s ever happened in our life. We’re living at, cause for it, we are actually empowered to create change because we’re taking ownership for what happened when we’re living at effect is AKA the victim mode. Everything is happening to us. All the weather sucks. I can’t go to the gym today. My boss hates me. I can’t get a promotion. And literally, Tari, when I say those things, I am 100% powerless.
Dr. Tari: Yes
Kody: When I say those, when you’re living in that effect mode, you are powerless from everything that’s happening. So the first thing I’ll always do is teach people this concept. And let’s say that you’re, you’re saying something right now to me, I might say, hey Tari, are you living at cause or effect with that statement? And I’m not; I’m not telling them anything that’s going to offend them. I’m just bringing them back to this formula for success that I taught them. And usually what people will say is you’re right that’s living in effect, So I’ll say, okay. Now how can we actually live that cause? I understand what you’re going through, but how can we live, at the cause of that? And it’s very easy to see by their language, their tone, and the words that they’re choosing to save. And I’ll say this too, anytime I’m working with a new client before I’d sign anyone on or even charge them a dollar, I quickly discern, are they at cause or are they if you’re at, effect, if they are at the effects that’s totally cool. At the embarrassing time, we are all we all are, but if they’re not willing to go, if they’re not willing to move into, because it’s not a client that I’d personally take on, because I know that their money is not going to serve them because they’re not going to actually be willing to take that change. And I’m not going to get any results. So just something maybe to keep in mind for people listening, is, are you at, cause, for what’s going on in your life? or are you, at a track, of it?
Dr. Tari: And what do you mean by at, cause, explain that a little more to people.
Kody: Yeah. So I’ll just try to give you, like a tangible example. Think about you; let’s say you’re driving on the freeway. I was, I just got back from the gym. I was driving on the freeway, and let’s say that someone just nicked my card and went into my lane. I can see, man; this person’s such a bad driver. They should have been looking at where they were going. Or, and again, I’m powerless because I can’t control that person. But now if I say, man, well maybe if I was looking at my mirrors a little bit more, I saw this guy getting closer, or maybe I was looking down at the radio or texts on my phone. Then I start to become more in control of what happens because then I can say, what could I have done differently in that situation? Being more aware of my surroundings now I’m at, cause, for changing the meaning that that has and changing the outcome after, or when I use that reference of me getting fired, I can say, oh man, you know, just it’s a, it’s a cutthroat job in sales. My boss was a rude guy in a-hole, or I can say, how has that caused. Well, I probably could have stayed later for work. I probably could have put in more time and energy here. I might’ve been sidetracked thinking about my coaching business instead of that job. And again, that’s going to help me develop, and it’s a tough thing because not everyone wants to go there. Not everyone is willing to go there. I know people; I have a family. They’re not willing to go from effect to cause, and that’s okay. And that’s when, you know, you just got to pull back because you’re not going to be able to create change.
Dr. Tari: No, I still agree. That’s so much of the work I do is about empowerment. Okay, that happened to you or your partners this way, but what’s your part in that? What can you change? What can you control? How do you ensure that somebody isn’t going to go to a place? Because I also work with so many people that are so self-defeating where it’s like, oh, they, they feel so much guilt. They get down on themselves. So how do you balance that?
Kody: Yeah, good question. So I think that just one kind of thinking about who I attract to work with, I’m probably not going to attract someone that, that does that too much, because they know from working with me that I’m not going to be that person that’s you can do anything, you know, you were meant for your dreams.
Dr. Tari: Haha.
Kody: That’s a part of it, but it’s more of that, that kind of just like, I don’t want to say, touch love, cause it’s not all about that, but it’s like, okay, cool. That happened. I love you. I respect you. That freaking sucks. Now, what are you going to do to become even more powerful, because, what you went through? So I won’t even allow them to stay in that spot because I know that self-defeating is not going to serve them. So I think when people are working with me, they kind of know that’s what to expect. But what I will say is if someone kind of goes down that road, Again, I can go back to, are you being at cause or are you being at effect of what’s happening and yes, it is very valid what you went through, but that power of, and you went through it, and you can still get to this new mindset or something beautiful can still happen from it. It’s not either or where they have to be like empowered or self-defeating, it’s let’s understand and embody the emotions that you might be feeling. Accept them, even sit with them if they suck, like cool. Let’s own the fact-based suck. I’m going to be here with you or walk through those gates of hell if I need to with you.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, don’t get stuck there. And it’s, it’s really about taking responsibility, right? Which is really powerless.
Kody: It really, that’s what it comes down to. And again, it’s not something that everyone wants to hear or everyone is even willing to do, but that’s what it, it does really come back to.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Okay. So let’s just see how this goes. So yeah. So you’re not a relationship expert, so you just do your thing, you stay in your lane and, and we’ll see what we get out of it.
Kody: Yeah, let’s do it.
Dr. Tari: Okay. So, let’s pretend I’m your client, and I’m coming to you, and I’m saying, you know, Cody. I’m just so sick of the apps. Like I’ve been dating for so many years, and there’s just, there’s nobody out there. Like I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried to be positive. I’m just at my wit’s end.
Kody: Yeah. Got it. So I understand you’ve been doing this for quite some time. Been trying a few different things. Let me ask you, what haven’t you tried?
Dr. Tari: Oh, I’ve tried everything.
Kody: Everything. Is there anything that you haven’t tried, maybe?
Dr. Tari: I mean, I’m not going to go to the grocery store. I talk to somebody that way. Like that would just be me being desperate.
Kody: Yeah. And would you say that it might also be desperate trying the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result?
Dr. Tari: Haha
Kody: And the reason why I asked that Tari is just to say, sometimes we say that, man, I’ve tried everything. There’s nobody out there. And we called those universal quantifiers. We were saying everybody, nobody, but in actuality, when we just kind of sit with it for a second, I get you’re sick of apps. They can be very kind of time-consuming and not leading to much. But when you say there’s nobody out there, I want to ask you, when did you decide that?
Dr. Tari: What do you mean? When did I decide?
Kody: When did you decide that there was nobody out there? Cause that was a decision for you to think that.
Dr. Tari: I’ve just spent so many dates. And they don’t go anywhere. There’s so many men on the apps that just aren’t serious. So I guess I’ve just decided now.
Kody: Gotcha. Okay. And that’s totally, it makes sense. A lot of times, if we have that experience, we can decide things like that. So my question for you, Tari is with that in mind, are you focused more on the people that are not out there? The psychos? The people that are not good for you or the few that might be in there that you have to keep searching for?
Dr. Tari: Probably the psychos, yeah. Cause I don’t want to meet one of those, like I want to meet somebody quality, so I have to make sure.
Kody: Right. And so a lot of times, like we always think about what we don’t want. And as I mentioned earlier, the subconscious mind doesn’t process negatives, so, if I say, oh, that’s that there’s psychos out there. Or I don’t want a cycle. That’s where my energy is going, where I’m going to be looking for signs of psycho. I might read a bio and say, no, that cycle, I’m going to make a high-level generalization of someone that might be a little bit psycho, because that’s where my focus is going. But now, if I’m looking for quality men, I’m going to start seeing in pictures. I might start seeing their kids or their dog or them outside in nature or their bio that shows quality because that’s more of what my reticular activating system is going to pick up on the same way that if you were to wake up every morning, grateful for every single thing that’s happening in life, you’re going to have more things to be grateful for. That’s the Ras or the RAS were working for you, but it also works against you. So I bring this back now, saying if your focus is on those psychos, that’s all that you’re going to see in there. And with that being said, and maybe the dating apps just are not, are not the best place for you. And you also said that you wouldn’t go to a grocery store and talk to someone. What does that out of fear off?
Dr. Tari: I don’t want to seem desperate, like this woman hitting on some guy.
Kody: Yeah. Do you think that it can also be perceived as that may be on these dating apps as well, then?
Dr. Tari: What? That I’m desperate?
Kody: Does, anyone desperate? by hitting on some?
Dr. Tari: There are desperate people in there for sure.
Kody: Yeah. And how do you, how do you know, like what’s the difference between someone that’s desperate there and some of them is not?
Dr. Tari: Mm, that’s a good question. I don’t know, probably the men who like, really want to talk to you. Like they send you a bunch of messages and,
Kody: Yeah. So it’s like, it’s their intention, right? If someone’s desperate or someone’s not. So, I bring that back to you now if your intention is just to be so desperate and you need to get this person’s number or attention at the grocery store then. Yeah. That is a little bit desperate. I’ll be the first to admit that with you. But if it’s not, if it’s simply to make a new connection or to even make a friend or just to start a conversation, if that’s your intention, that desperation kind of drops from you so with that in mind, do you, would you still find it desperate just to talk to someone at like a grocery store or somewhere random?
Dr. Tari: Yeah, I want a boyfriend. I don’t want a friend.
Kody: Yeah. And where does that usually start? The boyfriend.
Dr. Tari: Yes. I mean, the way it starts for me is we go on a first date, and we like each other. And then we, and would hopefully start dating. It just never really works out after a few dates.
Kody: Yeah. And what’s the best first that you’ve ever been on.
Dr. Tari: We went out, we had a few drinks that turned into dinner, you know, we were just really attracted to each other. We had a lot in common.
Kody: The usual. And where did you meet this person, at?
Dr. Tari: On the apps
Kody: On the apps. Okay. And what did you say? It was the first thing that you said.
Dr. Tari: To the person? The very first thing I said was probably hi and, I don’t know. I cannot remember.
Kody: Yeah. Just like a basic conversation or opener, though, right?
Dr. Tari: Yeah.
Kody: Yeah. So if you were to say that let’s use the grocery store again, as an example, what would be the worst of what happened there?
Dr. Tari: Mm,
Kody: And sit with that for a second. The reason why I bring this up is because when I first started my coaching business, I thought I was always only going to get clients on social media and actually had one of my coaches say, I can tell your focus is getting clients on Facebook, but when you’re doing that, and that’s all of your intentions, you’re also going to miss the clients. You’re going to see at church; you’re going to miss the people that you’re meeting in public that are giving you all the signs that they need. But you’re thinking, oh. No, my channel’s here. This is not going to happen. So I’m going to push this person away. Subconsciously. So thinking about that, when you say you want a boyfriend, I get it. But it all starts with you saying hello or whatever you mentioned. You said on that dating app, you can say the same thing anywhere at a bar on that app in person, but it’s, you making that decision to allow all channels to be free for you? And the best way to do that is by stepping into the world, expecting that something great is going to happen to you, and not being scared of how you look to this person. Because if you’re just afraid of how you’re going to look to them, that’s how you’re going to appear. Remember, it’s like saying, oh, I don’t want to be desperate. I don’t want to be desperate. But again, that subconscious mind is not processing negatives; your focus is going on desperation. And that’s how you’re going to show up in one way or another. Or if you’re, you can be overly scared of being desperate and not want to step on any toes and kind of push that person away and not even ask for the number or not even keep the conversation going. So by keeping that focus on what you want, which is a nice, healthy, loving person, be that person when you show up into the world and just having conversations like that is how you’re going to meet that right person. And also say, if you don’t do any of that and you just keep using the dating app, What happens is it’s a matter of time until you’re going to find someone that resonates with you. A lot of times, what you’re going through right now is an experience of what you don’t want. So you can utilize all of that to get closer to finding the person that you do want, because you don’t want a guy that’s like everyone else. Do you, Tari?
Dr. Tari: No,
Kody: And you want someone who, because from what I’ve gathered, you’re pretty special and unique. Aren’t you?
Dr. Tari: Yeah. I guess so.
Kody: So wouldn’t it be safe to say that this other special and unique man is not gonna be the easiest person to find just like you’re not, but you’re going to have to do a little bit of that digging to make this reward so much more worth it when you find this person. So my question now is, do you think that there’s still no good, no good guys out there, or is it just a matter of looking either a little bit harder or in a little bit of a different manner to find him?
Dr. Tari: Yeah. I mean, I think there probably are good men out there.
Kody: Hmm. And what’s the first step that you’re going to take to find some of these good men?
Dr. Tari: I guess I’m going to be more open in the world. I’m gonna focus on, like you said, showing up the way I want someone else to show up.
Kody: Yeah. And how specifically, how else are you going to be more open in the world?
Dr. Tari: Like maybe I can smile at people when I’m out in the world, even though that can be uncomfortable. I don’t know if there’s a cute guy. Maybe I’ll say hi even though it’ll be really uncomfortable.
Kody: Yeah. Do you think maybe you will, or are you actually going to say hi and smile at this person?
Dr. Tari: I will smile and say hi, yes.
Kody: Amazing. And I would stop it right there, and I would say so, overall, what I’m looking to do, we can go down a whole intervention about your childhood and your past beliefs. And when you started to believe this kind of stuff. But, just for the sake of this podcast, what I would, what happened right there is that we kind of just did a bunch of talking, went through different layers of the mind. And I got you from being in effect like there’s no good guys. I’ve done all this stuff to now. You’re at cause well; maybe there are good guys out there great. Now I got that. What are you going to do moving forward? Because that’s the mindset. That’s the energy that you’re going to have locked into. Now, when we get off this call, or now when you go out into the universe, That’s a very small portion of what I’m looking to do and how I would do it, getting them out of effect into cause. And a lot of that, I wouldn’t just say, Hey, you’re being at, effect with something like that. Cause that’s more of a deep issue. I might say it if you were to say something in a different context, but for something like that, you see, I was doing a lot of talking. I even got you off it. The first date you went on, there was no, there was no reason to ask that it was more so just to kind of build more rapport and get your mind off that subject for a little bit and get you into that positive state. But in doing some. What it did was getting, you back into effect. And a lot of times I think of it, if you’re in a problem, AKA problem, you can’t go from just problem to solution. Sometimes and if you think about the problem, Tari, if you were to draw a box and like a circle, you’re looking. And all you can see is what’s inside that box, AKA the problem. So sometimes, the best thing we can do for our clients is get them out of that box to start to see different boxes that might be around them. And it’s not a solution, but it’s called not a problem. So if you get them out of a problem, in a not problem, now they can start to see what’s next. So just to land this plane, what I’ll do is if you say you can’t do something and I say, yes, you can tear yours. No, I can’t; you’re going to reject that. But if I get you to admit that, like maybe possibly do this. Then the next step is me getting you to admit I can probably do that. And then I can get you to say, I can definitely do that, but it doesn’t happen from can’t to definitely you’re going to go can’t to maybe possibly the most likely, probably to definitely. And that’s kind of like that chain that I’m always looking to walk someone.
Dr. Tari: Wow.
Kody: I don’t know if any of that makes sense or not, but that’s my thought process behind it.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, no, it all makes sense. And these techniques are so powerful. You’re really helping people tap into what they have control over and access their own power. Because like you’re saying, when we’re in effect, the way I talk about it, when we’re focused on external things, we are powerless. We don’t have any control over what happens outside of us. So I love this, and I also loved, like during the intervention you were talking about, the period of time, you know, when you’re getting what you don’t want as important. It’s an important part of the process and the journey. The way I think about that is the universe is sending you, different people to figure out what it is you actually want, and then you say no. And then eventually you move up to a different level of people, right? So
Kody: Right. Yeah. And the process has, reframing too, so every problem that you give me, I’m going to reframe it into either a challenge or an opportunity or a solution, and by doing that again, I’m not saying, well, no, Tari, that’s not a problem. That’s actually; it’s good for you. Cause you can reject me saying that. But if I say, well, what if that was actually working out for this reason? You can come up with that conclusion in your mind. And you’re going to be a lot more accepting of a suggestion that you come up with verse one that I’m telling you. So that’s why if you notice, like, I didn’t really give you any advice. Well, Tari, this is what I did to find my girlfriend or Tari, this is what I think you should do. Or you know what? This is what, I know this about you, so you need to go and do this. We all hear that a lot of us reject advice, and it doesn’t always work. But if I can have you come up with it yourself, the same way that if you were to ask your kids, Hey, do you want to go to bed at 8:30, tonight or 8: 45? They might want to go to bed at 10 o’clock, but now the factor bought in on choosing that bedtime? 8:45, okay, cool. We can do that, I wanted 8:30, but we can do 8:45, tonight kids. And they’re going to be a lot more bought in on that idea because they came up with it themselves.
Dr. Tari: I love that. So in terms of reframing a problem, how could you help somebody let’s say, who was going through a breakup? I work with a lot of people that are heartbroken, and they’re having trouble moving on. What, what tips would you give them, or what would you say to them?
Kody: Yeah. That’s a good question. And I hear this very often, like I mentioned earlier about a tip or a strategy. Me personally, I just don’t feel congruent and giving a certain thing because, in my opinion, the way that I was taught NLP by people that, that love the field and the industry, and do it not just by throwing a technique at something is by understanding the structure of the problem, because I can give you any tip or any technique in the world and, and read a script you are read how to do it, or even what to say as far as like a language pattern goes. But I think it’s actually doing a disservice because it’s not going to work until I understand how you’re doing the problem. And you can think about it even like I’m scared of roller coasters, and I’m going to take it way off-topic to show you here. And what I want to understand about you is, okay, when are you deciding to be scared of roller coasters? And you might say all the time. And I said, okay, is that when you’re watching TV? We’ll know; it’s when I’m driving past the roller coaster. Okay. So is it when you get within a hundred feet of the rollercoaster, is it when you just see one, when you’re right up looking down on it, when you’re waiting in line, at what point is it? And then you might tell me what it is and I’ll say, how are you feeling in it? And then I can attack that fear, or I can tap the emotion or the belief or the limiting decision that’s there. So by understanding the structure of the problem, and when we bring up, like a breakup, how were they feeling from it? Are they feeling like their life is just over? But I’m going to get them to say as well, how much more time can you have now with this additional time you’re going to have for yourself? Or what else could this be teaching you at this moment? Or what learning can you get right now? And again, Tari, I know it’s tough relationships suck when they end, I’ve been through a hard breakup as well, but I want you to understand with that in mind that they do suck and you thinking of what learning you can get right now, what is one benefit that’s actually going to help you in this situation? And then the client’s probably going to say something like, well, I guess blank. And then you, you kind of build off that. Gotcha. Anything else? We’ll also prob Yeah. I guess this is going to be a benefit too. Good. What, what else is going to be able to help you here? Because I know that this was something like, as you mentioned, you guys were kind of Rocky for quite some time. Was that affecting you in your work life? Actually, it was. Okay. So now that you’re going to have a new energy going into work, what about your family? Was that stressing your family out, coming home, and always being in this, the sad state that you were in? Yeah definitely. How much more excited is your family going to be now that they’re seeing you at your full potential? So that’s kind of what I’m looking to build off of is what they’re going through and using it. And I reframed every bad thing they went through, but again, it’s so they can get bought into it. And so they can actually feel those emotions that I’m trying to get. And the other side of that is if you notice what I’m saying, like, and how much more exciting is that going to be? Do you hear that in my tone? I’m getting into that state. If I say, well, Tari, how much more excited is that going to be? You’re thinking exciting. So I have to just like in a sales, in any sort of sales call when we’re public speaking, whatever it is, we have to be in the state. We want to transfer to that person. And if I say, like, Tari, how amazing is this? I love NLP; you’re going to be bought into that idea a lot more subconsciously because of that energy that I’m transferring over to you. So that is another. Lead your client into the state. You want them to be in
Dr. Tari: Yeah. And I think listeners can apply this directly to their dating life. And their relationship life. If they’re already in a relationship, like when you go on a date, but your energy speaks so loud, right? So, so show up in loving energy and a self-confident energy and open energy looking to connect versus, you know, negative judgmental feeling down on yourself. If you’re having a difficult conversation with somebody, show up with the energy of love and connection and state your intention. I just think, somebody’s thinks, that you’re talking about are so universal.
Kody: Oh, for sure. That’s what NLP is. So bringing it to the dating aspect, and I’ll use it just from my own experience. If I were to meet a woman and she has kind of that standoffish energy where she almost might be judging that I might be a certain type of person, I’m gonna instantly start to think that she’s going out to a lot of men and classifying a lot of different people because she started to try and put me in this box, or I might think something like, if she’s standoffish that’s the energy she’s going to have in a lot of areas of life. And that’s how our relationship might be as well. But that person that’s just, that’s bubbly. That’s loving, that’s exciting. She’s already in that state. I’m seeing her as being even more loving, even more, bubbly as things start to open up. So I think the biggest thing is if we show up how we want to be, that is 100% the person we’re going to attract. If I’m someone who probably just wants to hook up and I meet a group with just so loving, talking about maybe like God or her career. It might not resonate with me because I want someone that’s talking more about drinking and partying and coming back to my house or the office. If I’m looking for someone who’s a wholesome woman and they’re just so open and loving and vulnerable with who they are, and they’re being authentic. That’s the kind of person that I’m going to be more attracted to. But if she were to have that standoffish energy, I’m not going to know, and she’s going to attract that same person that allows, or has that energy as well. So thinking about this, like the law of attraction, if we go one step further or one step before that, the primary law that makes the law of attraction to work is the law of vibration. And that states that we must be in vibrational alignment with that, which we wish to attract. So I can think all day, like I want to get healthy, and I’m sure some listeners might be thinking about who they want to attract. So I can think all day I want to get a fit girl. I want to get a healthy girl. I want to grow. That takes care of her, her body, and her mind. But if I’m at home, drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching Netflix all day. Even though my thoughts were there, that’s not the same frequency that I’m on. So if I can put myself on that frequency of the person I want to attract, it allows that flow to come back to me.
Dr. Tari: Yes. So true, you have to become who you want to attract. You can’t ask anybody else to be, or to give you anything that you are not, or you’re not giving to yourself.
Kody: It’s true, and I think, what that brings up is I know a lot of people might hear that, and I’ve heard it before. Like I don’t need to be anyone else, but myself, that’s not a thing. And it’s again, that’s holding that either-or mindset. I always try to live in that power of, and like, I love myself. I appreciate myself, and I do need to, or want to become better in this area. Cause that’s what life’s all about. It’s not about judgment or thinking that you’re doing horrible; it’s like, Hey, how can I get to that next level? If I want to find that person that is out there living life and in nature, I should probably start being in nature myself. Cause I might find someone in the forest, for an example. I might find someone at a hiking store where I’m looking for a new jacket. So if I wasn’t actually out there doing those things and becoming that person as well, it’s not going to be a match. Cause I might find that person, but she’s not going to see that in me, who I want to become. So we have to become that person. And it’s not a bad thing to want to become a different version of you. You’re not becoming someone. You’re just stepping into a higher relationship with yourself, and that’s gonna give you a high relationship with someone else.
Dr. Tari: Definitely. I think so many people wait, they think, okay, when I find my person, then we’re going to go hiking. Then we’re going to travel. And I always say, you need to start doing those things now. You, you can’t wait for those things to begin or you to become until you meet somebody. So yeah. It’s resonating so much.
Kody: So true. And I think. I think of that. Like the tapestry you have behind you, it looks like Canada, this lake, I was that called lake Moraine. or lake Luis there they’re very identical and have that bright blue water. And I have pictures posted there on Instagram, and all the comments are people like, I love hiking too. We should go on a hike sometime. I love traveling, but what if I didn’t have that picture up? Didn’t show me hiking? People would never know I’m into that. And I’m not going to get a random DM saying, Hey, we should go hiking somewhere. But by becoming who you love. And by putting that out there, whether it’s through social media or just like what you’re putting into the world, that is exactly how you’re going to find that partner, is by becoming exactly who you want to be. And that’s what that person’s going to see in you. And you’re going to see in them are little pieces of you that you want to develop, in my opinion.
Dr. Tari: Yeah, so true. I love this conversation so far. I think it’s so powerful. I’m wondering, as an NLP trainer, like you’re a single guy you’re dating. So what is that like, like being able to read people and, doing the work you do, what is that like for you?
Kody: Yeah, you would think it’d be a lot easier. But it’s actually tough, and I’ll say this as, as one, I’m not looking for anyone at all. I’m just so focused on building my business and putting my energy into this. But it becomes very easy to disqualify people in a sense. And that’s not a good thing at all, but for good or for bad, like that’s what it is because I can hear, like your tone of voice, for example, or the words that you’re using. A lot about what’s going to happen: and I think, with NLP, one of the coolest things is I start to see patterns, and I can hear it. I can see it by the behaviors, the actions, the thoughts, the beliefs, the energy people are putting out into the world. You start to just be very adept, and we call it using our sensory acuity by noticing what’s going on around you. I can see very quickly what level it can get to. I got the person’s open how open they are, if they’re going to have major issues that they bring up. And the other side of that, Tari is, it makes it hard to get mad at someone, because one of the presuppositions of NLP is, everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available. Meaning that if, if I was a woman, if I was your age, if I had your level of consciousness, I would be doing the same thing that you’re doing, or I might be doing the same thing you were doing. Or if we look at a homeless person, you know, a lot of times we might judge them and say, well, they might be an alcoholic or using drugs, but thinking about it, If I was in that same situation, I might be doing the exact same thing that they’re doing. It allows us a new level of appreciation and respect for everyone else’s model of the world, what they see in the world. So with that being said, it’s like it does kind of make you very quick to be able to identify things, but not in a bad way where you’re judging them like that person’s not good enough. You just understand them in a different way.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Now I love that answer. The reason I ask is because, you know, I think those of us who are in these kinds of professions, where we help people and read people and, you know, we’ve done a certain amount of work on ourselves, and it becomes harder, not harder. I won’t use that word, but We want to meet somebody on the same level as us and not in a judgmental way, but just somebody who’s also put in their own self-work. And I say that because I think a lot of people are listening. What I want them to know is when you do your own self-work, when you focus on you, which is where your power is, then your attraction is going to shift to the kind of people that you want to bring into your life. And you’re not going to be attracted to everybody; everybody isn’t going to be for you. And that’s not a good or a bad thing. It just is kind of like you said, Kody.
Kody: Yeah. It’s so important you mentioned that, Tari, because when you do that kind of self-work, it builds that self-love and when you have the self. You don’t necessarily need someone else to validate who you are inside, and the same way that I mentioned, like for the past few months, I haven’t had any interest in, like even meeting someone or putting energy there because I don’t need someone to fill a void in me that I have. Because I can fill-up myself with the work that I’ve done. And you know, the other side of that is if I meet someone who has like that, very like things that I don’t want or that I used to be, I can see quickly, it’s not going to be a match. So someone listening to this might just need to put in that self-love and really not just not a cheesy way, where I love everything about me. Like if, if they’re overweight and they say, I just, I love it and body positivity. Yes. I honor that. And if you think that you want to lose some weight or you want to feel better or if you wanna work on your finances, if you wanna work on one area of your life, be okay with saying that I want to put some work here and not thinking that devalues who you are, if anything, it increases your worth by noticing those areas and wanting to improve them. So, so many people, they don’t want to improve because they get defensive and think they’re being called out where they think that they’re not loving themselves if they do. But I admire so much those people that say like, Hey, I might not be the best at this, but I’m going to learn, or I’m willing to get better and taking that first step and think about it from a dating standpoint, you can say, oh no, I’m just, I’m not good at talking. I’m not good at first. I can guarantee you’re never going to have a first date. If that’s how you think about it, or I’m not good at meeting people in person, it has to be on social media or vice versa. But if you can say, man, this is out of my comfort zone, but I’m willing to try it. The energy you’re going to have going on that first date is like, man, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m willing to try it, I’m willing to have fun, and I’m going to admire that in that person, that they were able to admit it and come in with that, as opposed to that person that just said, yeah, I’m not good at first. And do you see how the energy they’re going to have going into it’s going to be completely different? Meaning your experience is going to be different as well. They can say, Hey man, this guy just sucked. He was so boring. There wasn’t a connection, or this girl was so boring, not a connection, but my internal thoughts would be well. How did you show up? How open were you? How standoffish were you? Because that’s the same energy that you’re going to attract into your life? Is that what you’re putting out?
Dr. Tari: Definitely. So do you believe in affirmations or models?
Kody: Yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely. And I, I think that I take it one step further and say incantations, which is like an affirmation, but with energy and conviction. So if I look in the mirror and say, I’m so confident, I’m so confident. I’m so confident. I’m not going to believe that because when it comes to communication, very little of our communication is actually words. There’s so much more that is our energy. Meaning our physiology, our tonality, our volume, our tempo. So if I say it with conviction, like I am so confident, I feel confident today. I’m starting to elicit that state of confidence internally, and I’m going to have that new level of energy. So yes, to the affirmations, but use it with energy, use it with conviction, and that’s how you’re going to believe it. And it’s not trying to convince yourself of someone that you’re not. It’s just saying how you want to become, and again, all it’s doing is allowing you to place focus. And place attention on that person that you want to develop into. So I know a lot of people thinking like, well, affirmations, I’m not confident. So like, I can’t say that, own that. And you’re going to allow yourself to become it. If you, if you start doing things like an affirmation. So yes, I definitely believe in them. And, I backed out a hundred percent
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that idea of bringing the energy. And, and so what you’re saying, I think is the same thing that I say is you don’t have to believe. To say them, right?
Kody: Yeah. Or, or you don’t have to be already there. But for anything to manifest in the external world, it must first start to percolate internally. And you can, you can start to believe it internally. Like I can, I can see an apartment, like, let’s say this, I hated the apartment that I’m in. It’s in shambles. It’s falling apart. I can believe that I’m living in abundance, even if I’m not seeing that, or I can believe that I’m competent internally, even if I’m not expressing it with my actions, but I can believe at the subconscious level that I have confidence. So yeah, you can say it like that. You don’t need to believe it. But what I would say is believe it, even if you’re not there yet, and that’s when you’re going to become there. Because I think that sometimes if we say you don’t need to believe it, that person’s going to look in the mirror saying it and already said, yeah, I don’t, I don’t believe this, but it’s giving them that kind of like, validation, to not believe it. So I’d say believe it, you don’t need to see it, but yes, you’re going to believe it because your beliefs create those thoughts that you’re going to be having. And the thoughts create the actions. If you actually being confident in the world,
Dr. Tari: Right. And do you believe saying it before the belief has really rooted will help you get to belief? Like I am confident. Yeah.
Kody: For sure. Yeah. Definitely. And that’s, that’s a law of attraction right there, is like our thoughts become things we have to fake it, but before the thought comes, it’s the belief that generates that thought we have to think it before it’s going to happen. So anything that we want in life, you know, like you mentioned it, we don’t just get it. I’m not gonna just gonna get a girlfriend and say, yes, once I get this, and I’m going to go hiking. If I start going hiking, now, if I start doing the things or saying the things or believing the things, the next step is going to become that much more apparent for us.
Dr. Tari: Yeah. Love this. So Kody, where do you see yourself in the next five years with NLP?
Kody: Yeah, so with NLP, specifically, what I’d love to be doing is speaking on stages, which still scares the crap out of me. I’ve done it a few times, but I’m not a pro by any means. I still get nervous doing it, overcoming that fear, but speaking on stages to inspire people, to live a different life than they’re currently living. And I think that one thing I’m passionate about, showing people you might be in a bad relationship, you might be in a bad job. You might not have the things that you want to. And that’s okay, but it can all change, just like you making that small decision that things are going to change. So I see myself doing that on stages, and my goal is to be one of the best NLP trainers in the world in the next five years. Not just with my knowledge, but how I can deliver it and how many people I can help with it and being able to help different kinds of people, meaning not just coaching clients that I work with now, but high schools and middle schools and people that actually need it in different ways by showing them different stuff. So I want to be well-versed and not known as, like, Kody helps this type of person, but I can go in there and help anyone. Like you put me in a room with your limiting belief, and only one of us is going to come out. It’s either that belief or it’s going to be; it’s going to be me. And that’s kinda what I, what I see myself doing.
Dr. Tari: Oh, I love that. I know it’s gonna happen. I can feel it. You are on fire right now.
Kody: Oh, I appreciate that.
Dr. Tari: That’s exciting. Where can our listeners find you?
Kody: Yeah. So I’m actually going through a PodCast rebranding right now. But I think the easiest place to be is Instagram at coachkodyG, I don’t know if a lot of your listeners are on Clubhouse when this comes out. I’m sure Clubhouse might be more hot for most people, but Instagram is coachkodyG Clubhouse is NLP coach kody, and that’s the easiest way they can consume some content and just kind of find out more about me behind the scenes and stay connected.
Dr. Tari: Thanks again. I loved our conversation.
Kody: Yeah, likewise, it’s been amazing, and I hope You and everyone else listened to this. Have an amazing day.
Dr. Tari: You too.
Thanks for tuning into Dear Dater. This is Dr. Tari, reminding you that if you want love, that’s meant for you.